ATTN: TGRR

[trix]

ATTN: TGRR

First, you were dead when I got here.  For that, fuck you.  Seriously.  How fucking DARE you rot in the goddamn ground while I was busy shitflinging with the board members, privy to only hints and echoes of the smiting I would have received were you still alive.

Unfortunately, I've allowed advice and rational heads talk me into softening my tone lately.  That shit has begun to become boring, however.  So, here I am poking your rotting brain with a stick, now that it shows signs of life.  Or perhaps, signs of death.

You see, I am on to you.  I figured you the fuck out.  You are NOT the Great Reverend Roger of days gone, out to burn the eyes and minds of whatever unlucky primate stumbles across your pit of hell-inspired rage and torment.  That motherfucker is still dead.  I've been reading your tripe lately, and I just don't feel it.  I had hoped, upon your underplayed rise from the grave, to witness the kind of boiling hatred and great and terrible wrath that those who were present to behold speak of, either in whispers or not at all.  But I don't.  You aren't the motherfucker you claim to be.  YOU NEVER CAME BACK.  You, sir, are a mother fucking ZOMBIE.  And as you post your watered down flickers of mild angst, only barely tinged with the flavor of the towering temper you once had, I find myself offended by the lingering stench of your pretension.

So I've decided to wake you the fuck up.  That's right, you sad little monster, I am going to pull a Dr. Frankenstein and pound you and shock you and jolt the living shit out of you, right here in this very thread, until your black little heart explodes in your chest, your wilted little moans turn into real screams of rage, and the verbal fucking killing spree begins.

Why would I do this?  Why do I want to unleash the beast that once was?  Because we fucking NEED you.  The SCIENCE of Dok Howl is empty without the RAGE of TGRR helping to direct his experiments.  The DISTURBING WIT and POINTED LOGIC of the Dark Empress flits around aimlessly without the FOCUSSED HATRED of TGRR bringing the tools and fools to the surface to concentrate on.  I could go on, but in short, without the appalling horror that you bring to the table, THE MOTHER FUCKING GREYFACES MULTIPLY!

So, how to revive you.  First, I invite you to watch this video as a primer.
I believe it needs no comment.

Second, I send you to the blog of this guy.  Why?  He needs you.  All over his blog he is BEGGING for the REAL TGRR to come and show him the light.  The light of the flame.  Give him what he so desperately is in need of.

What?  You thought I'd start you off easy?  Fuck you.  I'm not about to link to some evangelist bullshit you've read a hundred times, some easy-to-defeat whiny bitch so you can munch on his brains with minimal effort.

That is a suggestion though.  To save me a little effort.  Why should I toss my own opinions at you?  You know you can't refute those anyway, so go chew on that blog for awhile.

Lastly, in case the above is ineffective, I'm going to show you a mirror.  If the sight of your own crumbling form goesn't galvanize you into a frothing terror, nothing will.  What do I mean?  Your pussy.  Yes, you have one.  I'm not sure if you did before, but somewhere down in that grave your body got knotted and twisted and beaten and now you are wearing a huge gaping pussy right on your mother fucking forehead.  Yeah, I said it.  I lurked your past posts.  I saw the way you stalked around dragging your giant granite balls on the ground.  What the fuck happened?  This squeaky little zombie I see now is so QUIET.  So CIRCUMSIZED.  So.... proper.  There is a goddamn fucking mass protest happening AND YOU NEVER FUCKING RANTED ABOUT IT.  What the fuck?  Maybe you haven't had time since you were dug up to look around, but you've missed some things.  There's a guy pretending to be a wizard posting all over the board.  Two old trolls have came and went.  Apple talk is turning into I BOUGHT SHOES THE OTHER DAY AND THEY DONT FIT WOE IS ME.  It's fucking called THE WEATHER CHANNEL FORUM.  You were once the balance to this insanity.  You helped bring the fucking CHAOS to the mundane.  LOOK AT WHAT YOUR ABSENCE HAS DONE!  LOOK AT WHAT YOU HAVE BECOME!  STAND THE FUCK UP AND RANT MOTHER FUCKER!!!

TL;DR: Welcome back, TGRR.  Nice to finally meet you.

- trix,
didn't proofread this at all.

[Phox]

ATTN: TGRR

First, you were dead when I got here.  For that, fuck you.  Seriously.  How fucking DARE you rot in the goddamn ground while I was busy shitflinging with the board members, privy to only hints and echoes of the smiting I would have received were you still alive.

Unfortunately, I've allowed advice and rational heads talk me into softening my tone lately.  That shit has begun to become boring, however.  So, here I am poking your rotting brain with a stick, now that it shows signs of life.  Or perhaps, signs of death.

You see, I am on to you.  I figured you the fuck out.  You are NOT the Great Reverend Roger of days gone, out to burn the eyes and minds of whatever unlucky primate stumbles across your pit of hell-inspired rage and torment.  That motherfucker is still dead.  I've been reading your tripe lately, and I just don't feel it.  I had hoped, upon your underplayed rise from the grave, to witness the kind of boiling hatred and great and terrible wrath that those who were present to behold speak of, either in whispers or not at all.  But I don't.  You aren't the motherfucker you claim to be.  YOU NEVER CAME BACK.  You, sir, are a mother fucking ZOMBIE.  And as you post your watered down flickers of mild angst, only barely tinged with the flavor of the towering temper you once had, I find myself offended by the lingering stench of your pretension.

So I've decided to wake you the fuck up.  That's right, you sad little monster, I am going to pull a Dr. Frankenstein and pound you and shock you and jolt the living shit out of you, right here in this very thread, until your black little heart explodes in your chest, your wilted little moans turn into real screams of rage, and the verbal fucking killing spree begins.

Why would I do this?  Why do I want to unleash the beast that once was?  Because we fucking NEED you.  The SCIENCE of Dok Howl is empty without the RAGE of TGRR helping to direct his experiments.  The DISTURBING WIT and POINTED LOGIC of the Dark Empress flits around aimlessly without the FOCUSSED HATRED of TGRR bringing the tools and fools to the surface to concentrate on.  I could go on, but in short, without the appalling horror that you bring to the table, THE MOTHER FUCKING GREYFACES MULTIPLY!

So, how to revive you.  First, I invite you to watch this video as a primer.
I believe it needs no comment.

Second, I send you to the blog of this guy.  Why?  He needs you.  All over his blog he is BEGGING for the REAL TGRR to come and show him the light.  The light of the flame.  Give him what he so desperately is in need of.

What?  You thought I'd start you off easy?  Fuck you.  I'm not about to link to some evangelist bullshit you've read a hundred times, some easy-to-defeat whiny bitch so you can munch on his brains with minimal effort.

That is a suggestion though.  To save me a little effort.  Why should I toss my own opinions at you?  You know you can't refute those anyway, so go chew on that blog for awhile.

Lastly, in case the above is ineffective, I'm going to show you a mirror.  If the sight of your own crumbling form goesn't galvanize you into a frothing terror, nothing will.  What do I mean?  Your pussy.  Yes, you have one.  I'm not sure if you did before, but somewhere down in that grave your body got knotted and twisted and beaten and now you are wearing a huge gaping pussy right on your mother fucking forehead.  Yeah, I said it.  I lurked your past posts.  I saw the way you stalked around dragging your giant granite balls on the ground.  What the fuck happened?  This squeaky little zombie I see now is so QUIET.  So CIRCUMSIZED.  So.... proper.  There is a goddamn fucking mass protest happening AND YOU NEVER FUCKING RANTED ABOUT IT.  What the fuck?  Maybe you haven't had time since you were dug up to look around, but you've missed some things.  There's a guy pretending to be a wizard posting all over the board.  Two old trolls have came and went.  Apple talk is turning into I BOUGHT SHOES THE OTHER DAY AND THEY DONT FIT WOE IS ME.  It's fucking called THE WEATHER CHANNEL FORUM.  You were once the balance to this insanity.  You helped bring the fucking CHAOS to the mundane.  LOOK AT WHAT YOUR ABSENCE HAS DONE!  LOOK AT WHAT YOU HAVE BECOME!  STAND THE FUCK UP AND RANT MOTHER FUCKER!!!

TL;DR: Welcome back, TGRR.  Nice to finally meet you.

- trix,
didn't proofread this at all.

Don't worry, Trix. TGRR was dead when I got here too. Problem is, he keeps coming back. Dok Howl and me can't keep the fucker in the ground. Personally, I think Fracture and Freeky get up to some shenanigans out there in Tucson that summon the old bastard.

[Suu]

ROGER EX MACHINA

[The Good Reverend Roger]

This Is The Shit We Have To Put Up With Department

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

The fuck, seriously?

ANOTHER ONE?

Where are they getting the script?

[The Good Reverend Roger]

The fuck, seriously?

ANOTHER ONE?

Where are they getting the script?

It's cats cats
cats cats cats
back in the day it's
like cats cats cats

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

"I know! I'll distinguish myself from all the other asshole n00bs by taking on Roger!"

Seriously, way to get instantly written off. FFS.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I know what it takes
to make things worse
and I know what it takes
to put a cheesehead in a hearse

I'M ON CRACK!

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

ZOMG IT'S TGRR

I THINK I WILL DISTINGUISH MYSELF FROM ALL OTHER INSECURE N00BS EVER BY CHALLENGING HIM AND TELLING HIS HE'S LOST HIS EDGE AND ISN'T THAT SPECIAL

I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE HE'S HUMAN ANYWAY, RIGHT? SO INSULTING THE SHIT OUT OF HIS PERSONALITY ISN'T REALLY A TOTAL DICK MOVE.

[trippinprincezz13]

"You're a pussy for not...attacking some blog or something!"

....said the pussy too lazy to get off his ass and do...whatever it is you're trying to do.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

ZOMG IT'S TGRR

I THINK I WILL DISTINGUISH MYSELF FROM ALL OTHER INSECURE N00BS EVER BY CHALLENGING HIM AND TELLING HIS HE'S LOST HIS EDGE AND ISN'T THAT SPECIAL

I MEAN, IT'S NOT LIKE HE'S HUMAN ANYWAY, RIGHT? SO INSULTING THE SHIT OUT OF HIS PERSONALITY ISN'T REALLY A TOTAL DICK MOVE.

I exist only to live up to the expectations of random assholes on the internet.  I mean, I've been back for a week, and I've posted twice in that time...And I still haven't topped the collected works of Clemmens, Mencken, and Thompson.  It's like I don't care, anymore.  It's almost as if I stopped worrying about My Audience, and just started writing what and when I chose.  Selfish of me, I know.

Trix should ask for his money back, because I gotta admit I'm not performing to spec.  This would probably bother me, if it weren't some elaborate pitch for me to go dump on some dime-a-dozen Palintard blog, which will change precisely nothing except for yet another ban on yet another meaningless dead end on the interbutts sooper highway.

Needless to say, I feel terrible about this, but not terrible enough to do anything about it.  For I am an old, washed-up zombie, and I really should warn Trix about trying to "make" me do anything...But I can't be arsed to do so, and I'll just let the normal mayhem result.

(Edited for spelling.)

[The Good Reverend Roger]

It does puzzle me, though, that I should be ranting about the mass protests.

Why would I rant at people for doing what I've always screamed at them for not doing (ie, getting off the couch)?

TGRR,
Honestly mystified.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

It's really generous of Trix to deign to "wake you up" though. What a NICE guy.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

It's really generous of Trix to deign to "wake you up" though. What a NICE guy.

I only started doing this shit last week.  It's nice to have an experienced hand show me the ropes.   

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I've been reading your tripe lately, and I just don't feel it.  I had hoped, upon your underplayed rise from the grave, to witness the kind of boiling hatred and great and terrible wrath that those who were present to behold speak of, either in whispers or not at all.  But I don't.  You aren't the motherfucker you claim to be.  YOU NEVER CAME BACK.  You, sir, are a mother fucking ZOMBIE.  And as you post your watered down flickers of mild angst, only barely tinged with the flavor of the towering temper you once had, I find myself offended by the lingering stench of your pretension.

See, shit like this inspires me to greatness¹.

Kind of wondering what watered-down shit he's referring to, since I haven't posted any rants or essays until this morning.





¹  Well, not really.  It actually made me laugh a bit, and then write Trix off completely.