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America™: A Guide for Europeans, part I of V

Started by The Good Reverend Roger, November 11, 2011, 04:29:18 PM

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The Good Reverend Roger

November 11, 2011, 04:29:18 PM
It occurs to me that nobody has ever explained to the Europeans just exactly what they created over here in America.  I guess I'd better remedy that, as it is unwise to make decisions without important facts, and right now America is a factor that cannot be ignored in world politics, for good or for ill (mostly for ill).  So I'm gonna rip our collective face off, in the style of the Dark Empress Nigel, and let you see the bare skull underneath.  This is not to be construed as my personal beliefs, but rather as an observation of how America works.  Here goes.

Fuck you.

That's right, fuck you guys.  Seriously.  We're sitting on more than 400 years worth of butthurt here, and it's YOUR FAULT.  While this doesn't excuse our actions, you caused it.  We are the descendents of people who couldn't get along, for reasons that vary from individual psychotics to religions that just couldn't fit in (The puritans, for example, were not allowed by the English crown to execute their own church members for transgressions against the faith.).

All of those ancestors of ours were ordered out or pressured (Hey, Stanislaw, get your arse to America or your house might have an accident while you're sleeping) to leave, or simply not given any other economic options.  Unlike Australia, most of our ancestors weren't actually convicted of anything, AND YOU THREW US OUT.

Oh, don't think we've forgotten that we weren't good enough for your perfect little nations.  Don't think we don't know that you thought everything would be JUST FINE if you threw out the troublemakers.  Don't for ONE INSTANT think that a few decades or centuries would allow the national consciousness to drop the gripe and let bygones be bygones.

No, you dumped us here, and we did what we do best, which was to put a fucking hurting on everyone in our way (Sorry about that, Sitting Bull), until we ran into another ocean.  Then we went isolationist, like a petulant child sulking in his room, and created the Monroe Doctrine to keep you all away while we attempted to gobble up every piece of land to our South.

We're basically okay with the English, for two reasons:  They tried to keep a hold on us (or at least put on a good show of it), and they're the only people in the world that are as violent as us in every possible sense of the word.  The rest of you DIDN'T WANT US and DIDN'T APPROVE and DIDN'T GIVE US ENOUGH ATTENTION. 

Basically, you're bad parents. 

Hell, the only reasons we really got involved in WWII was because we could snicker a bit at the countries that threw us the fuck out, and it was an excuse to FUCK PEOPLE UP, you know, "GIVE ME SOMETHING TO BREAK!", since we were all out of Indians.  And once we broke out of that isolationism, every single thing we've done has been a means of showing Europe up.  The space race, Vietnam, Iraq, everything.

Ever wonder why we're all religious nuts, and why jingoistic fuckbags like Rush Limbaugh are so popular?  It's because of what I've been saying...We are the pig-ignorant, cheerfully psychotic people that couldn't get along in your societies, and you GENIUSES put us all in ONE PLACE.

So, yeah.  Fuck you.

Or Kill Me

To be continued.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

The Wizard Joseph

#1
November 11, 2011, 04:43:51 PM
 :mittens:

:lulz:  There's no limit to what a little snub can do!
You can't get out backward.  You have to go forward to go back.. better press on! - Willie Wonka, PBUH

Life can be seen as a game with no reset button, no extra lives, and if the power goes out there is no restarting.  If that's all you see life as you are not long for this world, and never will get it.

"Ayn Rand never swung a hammer in her life and had serious dominance issues" - The Fountainhead

"World domination is such an ugly phrase. I prefer to call it world optimisation."
- Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality :lulz:

"You program the controller to do the thing, only it doesn't do the thing.  It does something else entirely, or nothing at all.  It's like voting."
- Billy, Aug 21st, 2019

"It's not even chaos anymore. It's BANAL."
- Doktor Hamish Howl

Cramulus

#2
November 11, 2011, 04:48:37 PM
 :lulz: :lulz: :lulz:
THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT EUROPE!

The Good Reverend Roger

#3
November 11, 2011, 04:53:01 PM
Quote from: Cramulus on November 11, 2011, 04:48:37 PM
:lulz: :lulz: :lulz:
THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT EUROPE!

Just reporting the facts, here, as seen by the nationally equivalent of a terminally angsty 15 year old.

The other 4 chapters will expand on things a bit, from a slightly more objective viewpoint.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

EK WAFFLR

#4
November 11, 2011, 04:55:43 PM
Blame me. I'll volunteer to be your Mustache Jesus™
"At first I lifted weights.  But then I asked myself, 'why not people?'  Now everyone runs for the fjord when they see me."


Horribly Oscillating Assbasket of Deliciousness
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LMNO

#5
November 11, 2011, 04:58:09 PM
That was fucking brilliant!   :lulz: :mittens:

Freeky

#6
November 11, 2011, 04:58:43 PM
 :lulz:

The Good Reverend Roger

#7
November 11, 2011, 04:59:15 PM
Quote from: Waffle Iron on November 11, 2011, 04:55:43 PM
Blame me. I'll volunteer to be your Mustache Jesus™

Well, I guess I completely fucking failed to get the idea across, based on the responses so far.

ETA:  Okay, so two people out of 5 seem to have gotten it.  I'm still doin' it wrong, though.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Juana

#8
November 11, 2011, 05:09:03 PM
I can confirm everything TTGR said. Every little bit of it. I mean, hell, we spent decades pissing off Indians and then begging England to come our rescue when we were just its colonies, and then the reasons we tried to evict them were essentially the reasonings of a spoiled teenage brat, refusing to accept the boundaries set down by a parent tired of having to deal with whatever mess we got ourselves into. The taxes weren't really that bad, if memory serves, but nooo, 180 years of crazy and butthurt stewing fueled an adolescent temper tantrum that lead to a revolution and eviction of the parent who had always shooed off the rightly pissed off indigenous folk when we stomped on.
"I dispose of obsolete meat machines.  Not because I hate them (I do) and not because they deserve it (they do), but because they are in the way and those older ones don't meet emissions codes.  They emit too much.  You don't like them and I don't like them, so spare me the hysteria."

The Good Reverend Roger

#9
November 11, 2011, 05:10:15 PM
Quote from: Secret Agent GARBO on November 11, 2011, 05:09:03 PM
I can confirm everything TTGR said. Every little bit of it. I mean, hell, we spent decades pissing off Indians and then begging England to come our rescue when we were just its colonies, and then the reasons we tried to evict them were essentially the reasonings of a spoiled teenage brat, refusing to accept the boundaries set down by a parent tired of having to deal with whatever mess we got ourselves into. The taxes weren't really that bad, if memory serves, but nooo, 180 years of crazy and butthurt stewing fueled an adolescent temper tantrum that lead to a revolution and eviction of the parent who had always shooed off the rightly pissed off indigenous folk when we stomped on.

Yeah, I'm going to tie that juvenile shit into the whole current teabagger tax shit, the endless gluttony, the individual and national debt, etc, in part II.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Juana

#10
November 11, 2011, 05:12:53 PM
Ah. Sorry to steal your thunder there.
"I dispose of obsolete meat machines.  Not because I hate them (I do) and not because they deserve it (they do), but because they are in the way and those older ones don't meet emissions codes.  They emit too much.  You don't like them and I don't like them, so spare me the hysteria."

Freeky

#11
November 11, 2011, 05:13:08 PM
I look forward to watching this idea evolve, by the way.  

The Good Reverend Roger

#12
November 11, 2011, 05:14:23 PM
Quote from: Secret Agent GARBO on November 11, 2011, 05:12:53 PM
Ah. Sorry to steal your thunder there.

Oh, no, now worries.  I was actually glad to see that post, because I know SOMEONE got what I was saying.  The first few responses weren't encouraging.  Cram didn't seem to get the angst thing, and the other two made me want to fucking not bother continuing.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

The Good Reverend Roger

#13
November 11, 2011, 05:16:02 PM
Quote from: Science me, babby on November 11, 2011, 05:13:08 PM
I look forward to watching this idea evolve, by the way.  

Almost everything we do as a culture is in essence the same thing an adolescent does if left unsupervised.  What's wrong with the kids today?  They're just following our example.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Cramulus

#14
November 11, 2011, 05:17:05 PM
 :? I just wanted to say I liked the piece, I'm sorry if I didn't get it
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