advice thread. where golf shoes = my new neighbour

[Hoser McRhizzy]

While PDers might not know, my fellow near-OCD lurkers will probably be aware that I've recently moved to new diggs.  After dealing with the fleas and bedbugs of this palace and managing to NOT get fired or thrown out of school in the meantime, I'm left with one thing that will make riding out the lease really fucking difficult.

Tantrums at 3am.  Blasting music at 6am and then all day, intermittent, til 2-3am the next day.  This music is uniformly mediocre rock.  Yelling FUCK like it's a YEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHH cheer at a football game.  Banging on the wall separating our apartments with the flat of his hand.  This is my new neighbour and everyday is a gift with this tool.  It's only been a month and a half, but I feel like it's been years.  EVERY day.  

Right now, he's playing with the distortion on his guitar and yelling at my cat to shut up when she miaows.

Which is, of course, the last straw.

Before anyone asks, yes.  I've asked him very nicely to keep it down.  This only makes the tantrums louder and more incoherent the next time he gets faced.  Also, no.  There is NO POINT in calling the police.  They will show up in a few hours and only want to talk to me about why I'm bothering this man and wasting their time.  Lastly, nyet.  He's been a resident here for 30 years and is solid with the local community.  

I wouldn't mind even a little bit if his act was interesting.  

I will take advice.  My question is How can I make his year more interesting without drawing his attention to the point where he breaks into my apartment?  I need to do something, or my markets-born Belfastian lady love will take the lead.  And while it'd be neat to see a kneecapping (spellchecker has no problem with the word kneecapping?... holy fuck...) we just don't have that kind of lawyerly protection.*  Anyone have any ideas?  <--- that right there is the silliest question I can possibly ask on this forum.

Legalish.  As we are in appletalk.  

Or, anyone been through this and know what I should do next?

4:16am and he's blasting the morning drive radio talk show.  Off to put in the earplugs and sleep til he wakes us up again.





*  yes.  I'm kidding about the kneecapping.

[East Coast Hustle]

Can you break in to his place undetected while he's not home?

If so, limburger cheese rubbed into all of the window screens would be a nice treat for him.

Also, raw shrimp and/or scallops hidden in warm unlikely places.

Scorpion infestation.

Sign him up for a bunch of lunatic fringe political parties. At the very least they'll inundate him with mail, some of them will probably send someone out to recruit him as a party volunteer.

Same as above but change "political parties" to "religious cults".

Order an escort for him.

Order pizza for him. Relentlessly.

Using a latex glove (or not, your preference really) grab some fresh warm dogshit and smear it on the insides of his car door handles. Be sure to get some on his windshield wipers as well.

[Cain]

All excellent advice.  Also, superglue and locks can provide hours of entertainment.  Syringe for the delivery system, for maximum impact.

Put up signs for missing books, offering a monetary award.  Beforehand, buy a dozen second hand books, and leave them scattered in the local area, in public.  Give his address and phone number.

Find out his gas/phone companies.  Call them posing as him, and tell them you are going on holiday soon, and could they turn the service off for a couple of weeks.

If he has a girlfriend or wife, get a female friend to call up and ask for him by name.  If the girlfriend or wife answers the phone, she should stammer, then say "sorry, wrong number" and hang up.

[Bruno]

Do you ever hear him talking about doing illegal things?

Not a lawyer, but I'm pretty sure you can legally record any noise that you can hear in your apartment.

If possible, get a good collection of him talking to/about his meth dealer, preferably by name, then autotune said recording and play it constantly.

[East Coast Hustle]

Place an ad on craigslist: "Chihuahua puppies free to good home" with his phone number.

Did that to a buddy of mine in LA and he had to change his phone number a few days later.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Play heavy German opera 24 hours a day. You'll get used to it; he won't.

Do you have roof access? If yes, ascertain which plumbing vents are his. Roadkill squirrels are exactly the right size to drop down a plumbing vent. DO NOT ACCIDENTALLY YOUR OWN PLUMBING VENTS.

I'm assuming heat is not forced-air, since you live in an apartment building. That's really too bad because putting things of horror in heat vents is a delicious ages-old tradition.

If you find any spider egg sacs put them in his mailbox and/or carefully slide them under his door as far over on the hinge side as possible. This is a good time to look for them as many species mate in fall and lay eggs that will hatch when the weather warms up.

Occasional blood-spatters on his windows are always a nice touch.

If there's a gap under his door and you decide against the spiders (or have already planted half a dozen egg sacs) you can collect some fresh, pungent shit and, wearing rubber gloves, apply a healthy layer to the underside of his door.

Dead mice inside his window-screens in warmer weather. Even if he doesn't open his windows, the eruption of flies inside his screens will likely freak him out.

[wudgar]

I (heart) CP bumper-stickers.

Spray-paint insults to local gangs/thugs/ethnic groups on victims vehicle.

[Luna]

Go down to the local post office.  Grab a change of address card.

Forward all of his mail to Wasilla, Alaska.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

The spider-sac thing works just as well, if not better, in cars. BTW. You just have to wait for him to leave a window down a crack, preferably in the rear or on the passenger side. They tend to fall down between the seat and door so no one ever sees them, and as soon as the weather warms up, BAM the car is filled with hundreds of teeeeensy spiders.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I (heart) CP bumper-stickers.

Spray-paint insults to local gangs/thugs/ethnic groups on victims vehicle.

Too gauche, but actually, a discreet NAMBLA bumper sticker would be brilliant.

Also, have friends send pretty, girly cards that say things like "I love you and I miss you... I wish I could see you again" from various parts of the country. Maybe throw in one or two that say "I know what you did, and soon everyone else will too".

[rong]

don't be directly or deliberately offensive.  instead, gain his confidence - then set your trap. 

for example, make friendly then invite him over for dinner.  when he arrives to find hors' dourves spread out on your naked body you're either in for a wild time or an alienated neighbor.  as long as you're cool with the outcome, it's a win scenario for you.

[moose]

Maybe get him to complain about you, and then just maintain you were under the impression that it was okay because of his incessant noise. Maybe you can compel him to keep it down by outdoing him and driving him to complain.
You might get a cheapo electric guitar and small amplifier, place the amp facing the shared wall, and attempt to play "smoke on the water" or something similarly common for at least fourteen consecutive hours. Make sure that each note is so poorly timed that it's nearly impossible to tell what you're trying to do. If you tune up, make sure you take a really really excessively long time doing so, and make sure it's always at least slightly off.
Or, you could have extremely (dare I say exaggeratedly?) loud sex, or even simply fake such a romp with a friend (or two)....
As somebody screams out "here it comes!", just for fun smash a beer bottle into a large pot or metal trash can.
Extra credit: Yell "oh my god! There's so much blood!" a few times, then run over to his door and ask him if he can give you "a ride out to the woods, to take care of something."
Or, just download and blast a selection of loud, hardcore pornography, try to find something without a music soundtrack, so he has to decide whether you're involved in some kind of frenzied orgiastic excursions into new and untested perversities, or if you're simply jerking like it's about to fall off. Go for something in another language like German, so he can't tell just exactly what the fuck is going on over there. It will heighten his curiosity, and goddamit he will listen.
Or, blast music so extreme that he doesn't want you to even hear what he's into, for fear that you may call him out and condescend him. Find stuff you think will make him very uncomfortable. If he likes some mediocre rock music, blast heavy, aggressive music. He'll be self-conscious knowing that just next door is somebody who probably already thinks he's a total douchenozzle. Play napalm death and dystopia and eyehategod till he comes meekly knocking and asks you to keep it down.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I got nothing.

At the point you've reached, I typically just resort to violence.

[Luna]

Subtle, at first.  Does he have a live-in SO?  If so, go with the cards sent from out of state.

Hell, send flowers.  With a card saying, "I can't forget the special time we spent together.  Call me.  Love, George."

[ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞]

After he leaves the apartment slather bacon grease all over his doorknob (if it is round, this won't work for doors with a lever mechanism). This will make it surprisingly difficult and messy for him to get back into his room until he finds something to wipe it up with. If he's dumb, it could keep him busy for a while. Then do it to his car door handle—huge inconvenience.

Or if you want to go the strictly legal route, video record a clock and a window to establish the time during sustained noisy periods, burn it to a DVD, write a brief note describing the incident (including the date and time) and hand deliver it to your landlord while you tell him or her what happened and what's in the package. Explain that you will keep doing this until the guy is evicted or starts behaving like a normal human being.