On Being The Other Woman

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

There is something that has been bothering me for several years, and it has to do with the institution of marriage.

Now, I am no paragon of spousal perfection. I have been divorced three times. During my first marriage, I had an affair with an older married man. I can make no excuses.

Quite a long time ago, a friend of mine was dating a guy who, it turned out, was separated from his wife in Colorado. He had a young son with his wife, and was always struggling to send money to them. If you have seen a friend go through a divorce, you know how it goes; the bitterness, the resentment, the demonizing of the person once loved. It's a necessary phase for many people, because they must make their spouse seem, in their own minds, unlovable in order to make the parting of ways more bearable.

My friend, unsurprisingly, hated the wife, this woman she had never met or spoken to, with a burning passion. She resented everything about her, and would regale me with stories of how wicked, how manipulative, how exploitative, and how greedy this woman was. She would use words like "bitch" and "whore". In the end, when my friend's lover decided to move back to Colorado and reconcile with his wife, my friend was shocked and devastated, even though it was as obvious and predictable as water flowing downhill. The whole thing made me cringe, and in all the times I have seen this scenario repeat itself with other women, it always seems to go the same way. It still makes me cringe. Every. Fucking. Time.

Here's why.

Ladies, if you are fucking a married man, you need to keep in mind that HE IS MARRIED. He has a wife. They may be separated or in an open marriage or he may simply be cheating, but in any case, his wife is still his WIFE. It doesn't matter if she really is a manipulative bitch; she deserves your respect in the context of  their marriage simply by virtue of being in it. Perhaps she's psycho... or perhaps the stress of the fact that HER HUSBAND IS FUCKING OTHER WOMEN is taking a toll on her. The second you open your mouth to vilify her, you are revealing yourself to be nothing more than gutter trash. And for the love of all that's holy, think for one moment before calling her a whore or a slut, because... seriously... YOU ARE THE WHORE. You're fucking another woman's husband, and badmouthing her while you're at it. That's pretty much the trashiest that trash can get. You have, at that moment, crossed the line from being another innocent caught up in the wake of marital problems to being the psycho other woman.

Listen up. He's going to go back to her. They always do. If he has even a shred of actual honor, he will try as hard as he can to do right by his WIFE, the woman he married, and you have no part in that equation. Even if they end up divorced, you're still just a piece of rebound pussy and he's almost certainly double-dipping, either with the wifey or some other chick. If you want to salvage some small shred of dignity, don't pretend it's anything more than that, and keep in mind that every nasty thing that comes out of your mouth about your lover's wife is, actually, a more accurate description of yourself.

Also, he's an asshole.


Or kill me.

[Phox]

Ya know, I keep reading this, and I expect my train of thought to turn out differently each time. It's like maybe if I believe hard enough, I'll realize that I know/am friends with people who aren't this stupid.  So far, no such luck.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Ya know, I keep reading this, and I expect my train of thought to turn out differently each time. It's like maybe if I believe hard enough, I'll realize that I know/am friends with people who aren't this stupid.  So far, no such luck.

Yeah, it's sad but it does seem to happen time and time again.

[infinityshock]

this is why the entire outlook on sex and marriage is so absolutely fucked up.  human nature is just not monogamous and this applies to both males and females.  deal with it.

[Dysfunctional Cunt]

So very well said!!  Damn near made me cry.

Thing is, at this point, I really don't care that he's banging her, lived with her and gave her a ring before papers were even filed.... (damn I am bitter shit sorry)

These days, just please don't begrudge my kids because she's either selfish or greedy or hell maybe she's afraid yanno? 

Sorry didn't mean to derail. 

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

So very well said!!  Damn near made me cry.

Thing is, at this point, I really don't care that he's banging her, lived with her and gave her a ring before papers were even filed.... (damn I am bitter shit sorry)

These days, just please don't begrudge my kids because she's either selfish or greedy or hell maybe she's afraid yanno? 

Sorry didn't mean to derail. 

Completely damn valid. Because the thing is, whether she's scared or insecure or possessive or whatever, it's NEVER OK to begrudge the kids the support they deserve. Ever.

[Luna]

So very well said!!  Damn near made me cry.

Thing is, at this point, I really don't care that he's banging her, lived with her and gave her a ring before papers were even filed.... (damn I am bitter shit sorry)

These days, just please don't begrudge my kids because she's either selfish or greedy or hell maybe she's afraid yanno? 

Sorry didn't mean to derail. 

Completely damn valid. Because the thing is, whether she's scared or insecure or possessive or whatever, it's NEVER OK to begrudge the kids the support they deserve. Ever.

Absolute truth.

I can certainly understand wanting to believe the worst about the wife.  After all, if she's a psycho bitch, it makes it OKAY for him to cheat on her, and it makes it OKAY for you to be fucking a married man.  It's what some other women have to believe in order to live with themselves, either with the fact that they're sleeping with a married man, or to convince themselves that the man they're knocking boots with is a lying, cheating shitbag.

Now, if someone is in an open relationship, fine.  If someone is separated and living on their own, and it's very clear things are over, fine.  But if he's sneaking around behind the back of a woman who he has vowed to love, honor, and cherish...  Well, to put it straight up...  Honey, if he'll do it WITH you, he's gonna do it TO you, one day.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

I used to know an old guy called Mr. Mac. He had a wife who'd been in the psyche ward, and a long-term mistress in another city called Sweet Thing. He paid her rent, the works, and went to see her every few weeks.

A friend of mine was talking about how if Mr. Mac didn't feel sorry for his wife, he'd divorce her and marry Sweet Thing. Then she paused mid-sentence and went "Nooooooo....he'd keep everything just like it is...LOL!" 

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

So very well said!!  Damn near made me cry.

Thing is, at this point, I really don't care that he's banging her, lived with her and gave her a ring before papers were even filed.... (damn I am bitter shit sorry)

These days, just please don't begrudge my kids because she's either selfish or greedy or hell maybe she's afraid yanno? 

Sorry didn't mean to derail. 

Completely damn valid. Because the thing is, whether she's scared or insecure or possessive or whatever, it's NEVER OK to begrudge the kids the support they deserve. Ever.

Absolute truth.

I can certainly understand wanting to believe the worst about the wife.  After all, if she's a psycho bitch, it makes it OKAY for him to cheat on her, and it makes it OKAY for you to be fucking a married man.  It's what some other women have to believe in order to live with themselves, either with the fact that they're sleeping with a married man, or to convince themselves that the man they're knocking boots with is a lying, cheating shitbag.

Now, if someone is in an open relationship, fine.  If someone is separated and living on their own, and it's very clear things are over, fine.  But if he's sneaking around behind the back of a woman who he has vowed to love, honor, and cherish...  Well, to put it straight up...  Honey, if he'll do it WITH you, he's gonna do it TO you, one day.

The thing about open marriages and separations is that if it's an open marriage, the wife is still the wife. It's fine as long as everyone's fine with it, but she's still the wife and she takes precedence, so there's no excuse for badmouthing her. If he's separated, he's still married and she's still the wife until he's not. If there's one thing I've learned over the years, it's that there's no such thing as "clearly over" until divorce papers are filed. There's no excuse for badmouthing the wife, either... if she's really that bad, he'd file divorce papers. Otherwise it's all talk, and odds are that he's an asshole.

[BabylonHoruv]

My wife and my mistress (in the classic sense, not the D/s sense) are best friends so it can happen.

I am not surprised it doesn't happen often though.

I wouldn't be involved with someone who badmouths my wife.  I may be an asshole, but I understand and respect the place she has in my life.

I have also been lucky enough that her men have always been respectful toward me, at least as far as I can tell.  I haven't been best of friends with any of them but we've always gotten along reasonably well and I am glad that we have.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

Think of it like the old polygamous societies, I guess. Not those crazy Mormons, but the Native Americans, the Chinese...if the women were carping at each other, the guy would put them and their shit outside. End of story.

[Placid Dingo]

My wife and my mistress (in the classic sense, not the D/s sense) are best friends so it can happen.

I am not surprised it doesn't happen often though.

I wouldn't be involved with someone who badmouths my wife.  I may be an asshole, but I understand and respect the place she has in my life.

I have also been lucky enough that her men have always been respectful toward me, at least as far as I can tell.  I haven't been best of friends with any of them but we've always gotten along reasonably well and I am glad that we have.

Hopefully not too deraily- how does the classic sense differ from the d/s sense?

[Phox]

My wife and my mistress (in the classic sense, not the D/s sense) are best friends so it can happen.

I am not surprised it doesn't happen often though.

I wouldn't be involved with someone who badmouths my wife.  I may be an asshole, but I understand and respect the place she has in my life.

I have also been lucky enough that her men have always been respectful toward me, at least as far as I can tell.  I haven't been best of friends with any of them but we've always gotten along reasonably well and I am glad that we have.

Hopefully not too deraily- how does the classic sense differ from the d/s sense?

He means the woman he is boning who is not his wife, as opposed to a dominatrix.

[BabylonHoruv]

My wife and my mistress (in the classic sense, not the D/s sense) are best friends so it can happen.

I am not surprised it doesn't happen often though.

I wouldn't be involved with someone who badmouths my wife.  I may be an asshole, but I understand and respect the place she has in my life.

I have also been lucky enough that her men have always been respectful toward me, at least as far as I can tell.  I haven't been best of friends with any of them but we've always gotten along reasonably well and I am glad that we have.

Hopefully not too deraily- how does the classic sense differ from the d/s sense?

He means the woman he is boning who is not his wife, as opposed to a dominatrix.

yep, precisely.

[Placid Dingo]

Btw, yes yes yes to the OP. And it applies well beyond the given context. To badmouth and disregard someone who does or did mean a great deal to some one just isn't attractive.