Holy shit. I wrote this weeks ago when I was lower than dogshit.

[navkat]

Decided against posting it and pasted it to my notepad instead. I'm glad I'm through THAT particular clownshow. OP after the break.

------

Someone help me stop the screaming.

I'm trying to get through 10 more days of school and then I'm signing myself into a psych facility at the VA. I don't care if they take my shoelaces. I don't care if my noodle art makes me feel the pain of being a disappointment to my father who treated my mom like a bovine and wanted a boy.

I just want the pain of knowing for absolute certain that I am not genuinely, loyally, minimal-conditionally loved by a single adult human being to go away before I have to bleed or drug it out of me.

Better them do it.

I'm not fishing here. Everyone has their people. I was b with parents who are psychotic and who hve no feelings for their daughters. My sister learned to compensate by becoming self righteous and a little evil/psycho herself. *I* never learned to compensate, just cope. I spent up until my mid 20s believing if I was kinder, sweeter, smarter, more sacrificing, I would get it right and they would have no choice but to acknowlege my goodness.

I now relate to people in a way that makes it easy and even temptng for them to hurt me: hypervigillant about being "good," being the first to "prove" my love and not imposing, guilty conscience even when innocent, easily convinced other people's bad behavior is my fault.

I am a magnet for sociopaths and narcissists who need to be accepted as naturally superior since I operate under the ingrained assumption that I am inferior and powerless: all arguments with these people can be easily settled by both of us calming down and deciding rationally what I need to do to be better next time...if I'm lucky enough to get a "next time."

I exert control through self-containment. I decompress through neurotic, exhibitionist rantings.

[navkat]

It occurs to me that The Dark Doktor, Nigel's Rx of "A Year of No" might be just the elixer I need.

[Luna]

Damn, navkat.

http://www.principiadiscordia.com/forum/index.php?topic=28610.0

Go, read that.  I has given prescription.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Sweet girl. I mean that. Not in the condescending way that people so often say it in, but in the same way I say it to my hellbitch of a daughter; she is my very valuable sweet hellbitch girl.

A year of no is painful, but what it does is invaluable. It teaches you to protect your boundaries and to respect your well-being above the delicate feelings of people who don't really matter in your life. It teaches you that you can pull through all by yourself.

Write something down where you can see it; Even if this seems silly, just do me a favor and write it, so that you can read it and repeat it to yourself often:

I will do it by myself.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Navkat, you do what you have to do to take care of yourself.

I will miss you while you're gone.

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

Did not see this before, but 

I hope things are getting less shitty for you.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

OUCH.

Fingers crossed for ya. Find that banshee. Towanda.

[navkat]

Thanks, y'a. I'm better now...not great, but better. I feel sort of numb and burnt-out sometimes and mistrustful of people/hyper-vigilant at other times. I'm having a hard time giving a shit about myself at times and other times, I'm just ragingly angry at the world to the point where I become a Hellen Keller-esque, non-verbal mess of a girl relegated to biting back the screams by throwing my face into a pillow.

But I'm alive. I don't want to die.

Laughter saved me. My whimsical way of looking at things shelters me from the pain of hate...a thing I got a nasty taste of this winter. The people who held a hand out to me here on this very forum helped me through immensely. I know it may sound silly bc to you, I'm from the internets. To me, having anyone reach out at all made some of the Bad Things go away. The fact that people got together to consider sending Nigel here to look after me...the fact that people crossed the internet ocean with phone calls and concern...

Someone said something when I was in the thick of having my shit torn to shreds by my ex. I think a close approximation was something to the effect of "She may be an annoying nutcase but she's our annoying nutcase." That spoke volumes to me about the character of people here: we're an island of misfit toys except we're all carrying shotguns full of rock-salt that we shoot into each others asses with reckless glee...but there's a common thread of respect for anyone who can take an ass full of salt and stick around awhile. Like a fraternity of drunken clowns, hopped up on goofballs, beating one-another to a bloody pulp with bricks; the maniacal laughter increases exponentially as someone runs off to get a cinder-block.

Just let an outsider think about screwing with one of those clowns.

I'm coming back and when I manage to glue my jaw back on, I'm sure the rants will be legendary.

<3

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

It doesn't sound silly to me.

Some of my best friends are from The Internets.

[navkat]

It doesn't sound silly to me.

Some of my best friends are from The Internets.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

It doesn't sound silly to me.

Some of my best friends are from The Internets.

I think she's gonna pull through.   

[navkat]

Like a fraternity of drunken clowns, hopped up on goofballs, beating one-another to a bloody pulp with bricks; the maniacal laughter increases exponentially as someone runs off to get a cinder-block.

I just re-read what I wrote here and it made me snarf my own Sazerac. I would love to see the following Newsfeed if anyone else can second the motion.

PD.com: Like a fraternity of drunken clowns, hopped up on goofballs, beating one-another to a bloody pulp with bricks; the maniacal laughter increases exponentially as someone runs off to get a cinder-block.

[LMNO]

1) Seconded.
2) Sazerac. Yum.

[navkat]

1) Seconded.
2) Sazerac. Yum.

I cracked open a $200 bottle of Partisane Absinthe for these bitches because apparently Alabama's ABC board has never heard of Herbsaint AND SUBSTITUTING SAMBVCA IS WHERE I DRAW THE LINE, BITCH.

[Doktor Howl]

Like a fraternity of drunken clowns, hopped up on goofballs, beating one-another to a bloody pulp with bricks; the maniacal laughter increases exponentially as someone runs off to get a cinder-block.

I just re-read what I wrote here and it made me snarf my own Sazerac. I would love to see the following Newsfeed if anyone else can second the motion.

PD.com: Like a fraternity of drunken clowns, hopped up on goofballs, beating one-another to a bloody pulp with bricks; the maniacal laughter increases exponentially as someone runs off to get a cinder-block.

Done.