Fail Wednesday Soup

[Freeky]

First, on grocery shopping day, decide to make tripe madrid style and filipino turmeric-scented pork stew.

Get everything over the space of three days, substituting salt pork for pigs' feet and turkey ham for regular ham and leaving the dry white wine out altogether.

Two days later, after having gotten a reliable opinion on the tripe, begin your attempt at making the tripe dish, only without the tripe.  Since is narsty, toss it.  Get chorizo out of fridge, look for salt pork.  Realize it was sitting on the table for two days, hidden in a bag of non refridgerables.  Throw salt pork away.  Well then.  Good thing we still have a pork shoulder for the filipino soup, right? 

Cut open pork shoulder bag, observe that the "juices" have turned into jelly.  Note that it exudes a smell of rancid chicken.  Throw pork shoulder away.  Become angry and frustrated.  Decide to inflict your shitty day on everyone else, culinarily.

Break up and brown chorizo.  Don't mind if it burns a tiny bit, until the smoke is too much.  Season with stuff, throw in a big pot.  Set aside. 

Cube turkey ham, throw in pan with some butter. While it browns, brood.  Chop the onion up into pieces, the sizes varying from 1/2 and inch on a side to three inches on a side.  Slice your finger open.  Fuck it, you don't care anymore.  After the ham is done, throw that in the big pot and throw the onion into the pan with some butter.

Grind up some pink peppercorns and a handful of cloves.  Dump half of that into the big pot, along with a tablespoon or so of turmeric.  Dump a third of a bottle of thai garlic chili paste into the pot.  Dump in a quarter a small bottle of fish sauce (probably 1/4 cup) into the pot as well.  Try not to think about the fact that just about everyone you know who's in a happy, loving, functional relationship met each other when they were younger than you.  Fail at this.  Dump more garlic chili paste into the pot, for a total of two thirds of teh bottle, perhaps six ounces, and also probably ten ounces of rice wine.  Zest four limes, throw that in.

Peel some boiler onions.  Try not to think about your teeth's aching, which is all the way down your neck to your shoulder.  Fail at this.  When the onions that were chopped are finally brown and crunchy, throw them in the big pot.  sautee boiler onions in butter.  Throw them in the big pot.  cover all of this with water.  As an afterthought, add some orange juice.  Too late, realize that with the fish sauce in there, the orange juice may have been a bad idea.  Fuck it, too late now.

Bring to a boil, cover, simmer for one hour.  Taste and find out that because you aren't used to food this spicy, you can't taste it at all, though everyone else will rave about it.

Serve hot or cold, I don't care which, and feel dead inside for days afterward. 

[Don Coyote]

 

[East Coast Hustle]

I am impressed with your perseverance, and not just in regards to the soup.

For what it's worth, it's likely that the reason that everyone you know who is in a happy functional relationship and met when they were younger than you are now is either lying through their teeth (80% likelihood) or because you don't hang out with enough old people. So don't give up. And don't forget that you're awesome and that you're better off waiting for someone who is truly worth your time and attention than settling for the first schmuck with a good line and a nice smile.

[Don Coyote]

Oh, ya, Freeky, I'm older than you and just now ended up in a good relationship.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

First, on grocery shopping day, decide to make tripe madrid style and filipino turmeric-scented pork stew.

Get everything over the space of three days, substituting salt pork for pigs' feet and turkey ham for regular ham and leaving the dry white wine out altogether.

Two days later, after having gotten a reliable opinion on the tripe, begin your attempt at making the tripe dish, only without the tripe.  Since is narsty, toss it.  Get chorizo out of fridge, look for salt pork.  Realize it was sitting on the table for two days, hidden in a bag of non refridgerables.  Throw salt pork away.  Well then.  Good thing we still have a pork shoulder for the filipino soup, right? 

Cut open pork shoulder bag, observe that the "juices" have turned into jelly.  Note that it exudes a smell of rancid chicken.  Throw pork shoulder away.  Become angry and frustrated.  Decide to inflict your shitty day on everyone else, culinarily.

Break up and brown chorizo.  Don't mind if it burns a tiny bit, until the smoke is too much.  Season with stuff, throw in a big pot.  Set aside. 

Cube turkey ham, throw in pan with some butter. While it browns, brood.  Chop the onion up into pieces, the sizes varying from 1/2 and inch on a side to three inches on a side.  Slice your finger open.  Fuck it, you don't care anymore.  After the ham is done, throw that in the big pot and throw the onion into the pan with some butter.

Grind up some pink peppercorns and a handful of cloves.  Dump half of that into the big pot, along with a tablespoon or so of turmeric.  Dump a third of a bottle of thai garlic chili paste into the pot.  Dump in a quarter a small bottle of fish sauce (probably 1/4 cup) into the pot as well.  Try not to think about the fact that just about everyone you know who's in a happy, loving, functional relationship met each other when they were younger than you.  Fail at this.  Dump more garlic chili paste into the pot, for a total of two thirds of teh bottle, perhaps six ounces, and also probably ten ounces of rice wine.  Zest four limes, throw that in.

Peel some boiler onions.  Try not to think about your teeth's aching, which is all the way down your neck to your shoulder.  Fail at this.  When the onions that were chopped are finally brown and crunchy, throw them in the big pot.  sautee boiler onions in butter.  Throw them in the big pot.  cover all of this with water.  As an afterthought, add some orange juice.  Too late, realize that with the fish sauce in there, the orange juice may have been a bad idea.  Fuck it, too late now.

Bring to a boil, cover, simmer for one hour.  Taste and find out that because you aren't used to food this spicy, you can't taste it at all, though everyone else will rave about it.

Serve hot or cold, I don't care which, and feel dead inside for days afterward.

Oh, Freekeh. 

I'd feel like a shit for laughing, except that I think you might be turning into me.

I am not saying that looks good for your long-term relationship prospects, but it's not all bad.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I am impressed with your perseverance, and not just in regards to the soup.

For what it's worth, it's likely that the reason that everyone you know who is in a happy functional relationship and met when they were younger than you are now is either lying through their teeth (80% likelihood) or because you don't hang out with enough old people. So don't give up. And don't forget that you're awesome and that you're better off waiting for someone who is truly worth your time and attention than settling for the first schmuck with a good line and a nice smile.

Also, this.

Just wait until the first round of divorces hit.

[Freeky]

Thanks guys.

[Freeky]

Oh, Freekeh. 

I'd feel like a shit for laughing, except that I think you might be turning into me.

I am not saying that looks good for your long-term relationship prospects, but it's not all bad.

You're supposed to laugh.  I meant the recipe to be like a cooking show gone horribly, horribly wrong.  Read it again, and imagine Sandra Lee presenting this recipe, as is, on her show, without changing her cheerful tone or plaster smile, and I dare you not to laugh your ass off.  It simply can't be done.

Also, I think I might on some level have gotten this kind of idea from you somewhere.  Maybe.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Oh, Freekeh. 

I'd feel like a shit for laughing, except that I think you might be turning into me.

I am not saying that looks good for your long-term relationship prospects, but it's not all bad.

You're supposed to laugh.  I meant the recipe to be like a cooking show gone horribly, horribly wrong.  Read it again, and imagine Sandra Lee presenting this recipe, as is, on her show, without changing her cheerful tone or plaster smile, and I dare you not to laugh your ass off.  It simply can't be done.

Also, I think I might on some level have gotten this kind of idea from you somewhere.  Maybe.

Oh, it was hilarious, don't get me wrong!

[Freeky]

Oh, Freekeh. 

I'd feel like a shit for laughing, except that I think you might be turning into me.

I am not saying that looks good for your long-term relationship prospects, but it's not all bad.

You're supposed to laugh.  I meant the recipe to be like a cooking show gone horribly, horribly wrong.  Read it again, and imagine Sandra Lee presenting this recipe, as is, on her show, without changing her cheerful tone or plaster smile, and I dare you not to laugh your ass off.  It simply can't be done.

Also, I think I might on some level have gotten this kind of idea from you somewhere.  Maybe.

Oh, it was hilarious, don't get me wrong!

I gotta say though, this is one cathartic soup.  I suggest if you make it that you have someone to help you pick you up, or a few days to recharge. 

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Oh, Freekeh. 

I'd feel like a shit for laughing, except that I think you might be turning into me.

I am not saying that looks good for your long-term relationship prospects, but it's not all bad.

You're supposed to laugh.  I meant the recipe to be like a cooking show gone horribly, horribly wrong.  Read it again, and imagine Sandra Lee presenting this recipe, as is, on her show, without changing her cheerful tone or plaster smile, and I dare you not to laugh your ass off.  It simply can't be done.

Also, I think I might on some level have gotten this kind of idea from you somewhere.  Maybe.

Oh, it was hilarious, don't get me wrong!

I gotta say though, this is one cathartic soup.  I suggest if you make it that you have someone to help you pick you up, or a few days to recharge. 

I think I will hold off for now; I don't need any more catharsis in my life for a while. 

[Freeky]

Oh, Freekeh. 

I'd feel like a shit for laughing, except that I think you might be turning into me.

I am not saying that looks good for your long-term relationship prospects, but it's not all bad.

You're supposed to laugh.  I meant the recipe to be like a cooking show gone horribly, horribly wrong.  Read it again, and imagine Sandra Lee presenting this recipe, as is, on her show, without changing her cheerful tone or plaster smile, and I dare you not to laugh your ass off.  It simply can't be done.

Also, I think I might on some level have gotten this kind of idea from you somewhere.  Maybe.

Oh, it was hilarious, don't get me wrong!

I gotta say though, this is one cathartic soup.  I suggest if you make it that you have someone to help you pick you up, or a few days to recharge. 

I think I will hold off for now; I don't need any more catharsis in my life for a while. 

Well when I say it's cathartic, making it is just half.  I didn't feel properly human again until I shared the recipe.

It's good as a family holiday dish, incidentally.

[DECI4]

You didn't even touch Sandra Dee.

[East Coast Hustle]

You didn't even touch Sandra Dee.

[Freeky]

WHO THE FUCK IS SANDRA DEE?