St. Valentine was a pussy so you could get some.

[Suu]

St. Valentine was a wussy as far as martyrs go for the period. In the time in which, "Accept Christ, get killed and go to Heaven!" was essentially the motto of the early, oppressed Christians, it's almost disappointing to hear about a man who pleaded for his life through the use of letters when meeting your death via Crucifixion, stoning, hanging or dismemberment seemed all the rage.

Martyrdom during the 2nd and 3rd centuries was an epidemic according to Roman writers, with some even telling of accounts of Christians essentially committing suicide by running in front of a chariot or jumping in front of a few Praetorians and going, 'I WORSHIP JESUS! KILL ME!' (and now I mention suicide bomber, and let that sink in for a moment...) it's no wonder why Constantine said, "OKAY! Enough is enough, I'm tired of seeing guts in my streets, someone clean up this damn mess and make okay for these guys to live. Thanks. Now let me go back to worshiping the sun (paraphrased.)"

I'm not entirely sure of the emperor during Valentine's life, and since I'm writing this from memory and not Wikipedia, you should give me a chocolate on principle. Now, this dude was a Christian living in pagan Rome...a Stranger in a Strange Land if you will (grok?) And he obviously did something to get someone important's attention. This got him thrown in jail, and scheduled to be executed. Now, instead of taking the better, more honorable Christian route at the time, that being, accept your death, get a cookie from the Man Himself when you walk through the pearly gates, he pussed out, and started writing letters to the princess of Rome. You know, a woman who was, gee, pagan, and gee, probably shared them a lot with her dad, and they both had a chuckle. After telling her of the wonders of Christ, plea for his life, offer to buy her a trip to Acapulco and the occasional Rose [of Sharon] was sent her way, he signed it, "From your Valentine." Catchy, huh?

Poor guy never got what he wanted though, which may or may not have been a piece of sweet Roman ass, and he met his death at the executioner's blade. Rumor has it, that his heart, in addition to his head, was displayed on a pike after the execution. Now, if THAT doesn't scream "HOW ROMANTIC!" I don't know what does. The Victorians sure as hell thought so, and figured that the plight of this poor chap was a great reason to write letters to loved ones. This evolved when Hallmark, yes, the card company, took it to the next level, and it started to become a day in which you send TOKENS OF AFFECTION TO LOVED ONES.

Hold up, let's rewind: "Pussy saint won't die for his faith like a man, get's heart on stake, here's chocolate, wanna screw?" Something is up, here. Something terribly does not compute.
If you love these people so much, why aren't you sending them gifts and flowers for any old day? Why did a saint have to die for you to do it? Why did Al Capone have to slaughter dozens of men for you to get laid? WHY? Why must you jam up restaurant business so you can impress your date by ordering expensive food and drinks and leaving a shotty tip because you over spent? No.

The answer is NO. You need to love who you love ALL DAY, EVERY DAY, EVERY YEAR OF THEIR LIVES. Don't let some commercial card company and the stupidity of the Victorian people to ruin history for the sake of a buck. It's pointless, and it makes you look like an amateur. Your significant other and your family are your saints. Don't be a martyr. St. Valentine's head and heart are rolling in their grave.

[Elder Iptuous]

is true.
but as is pointed out in yesterday's XKCD, it is a prisoner's dilemma and you can't win unless you make a deal with your SO well before hand.

So, do you think Hallmark is busy coming up with another trap day that they can sucker the nation with?  what might that be?  if we can anticipate the tricks they may pull, then perhaps we can flank them with preemptive non-consumer ritual...

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

All I know is I'm getting a nice dinner out of the deal, so I don't mind.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

All I know is that Saint Valentine's Day was just another blip on the Catholic calendar until some British company saw another way to create a bogus holiday for big $$$, back in 1797.

It was in fact the first "Hallmark Holiday", though not invented by Hallmark...Much like Mother's Day, which was commercialized so fast that within 9 years of it's inception, the woman who pushed it into reality fought against its continued existence.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

*ahem*

If you don't buy your GF candy that is bad for her, you are not a good BF.

You may now return to your consumerism.

[Triple Zero]

Is there any other kind of candy?

Dentists say apples, but they actually got quite some sugar in em and besides, as a Discordian it's bad taste to bring more apples into a relationship

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Is there any other kind of candy?

Dentists say apples, but they actually got quite some sugar in em and besides, as a Discordian it's bad taste to bring more apples into a relationship

You don't understand, Citizen.  YOU are REQUIRED to buy HER candy, etc.  If you don't, you're a lousy cheapskate.  These rules were made up by EXPERTS in the candy/greeting card industry.  Do not dispute them.

[LMNO]

Dear Roger,

What if I bought her a vacuum cleaner, instead?

[The Good Reverend Roger]

You are OBLIGATED.  Even if she doesn't like candy.

The beauty of this is, you don't fight with THEM over it, you fight with HER.

[kingyak]

This Valentine's Day, Kay Jewelers would like to remind you that if he doesn't buy you diamonds, he's probably a serial killer.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

This Valentine's Day, Kay Jewelers would like to remind you that if he doesn't buy you diamonds, he's probably a serial killer.

Or:

This Valentine's Day, Kay Jewelers would like to remind you that if you don't buy her diamonds, no blow jobs for you this year.


(Tell me they don't market the shit out of THAT.)

[kingyak]

I'd like to see the different factions war a bit more (kind of like the notes from different organizations Carlin read during one of his specials--"And now, a message from the National Apple Institute. "Fuck Pears!"):

"Hallmark reminds you that if he buys you candy, he already thinks you're fat."

"The National Florists Association wants you to know that only a cheap bastard buys a card."

etc.

[Kai]

Someone asked me today what I got for Phox for Valentine's. I told her that I didn't get Phox anything, so she asked me if Phox got me anything. I said no, and she asked, "well, aren't you a romantic? Doesn't that make you sad?" To which I replied, we don't celebrate Hallmark Holidays.

[Suu]

This Valentine's Day, Kay Jewelers would like to remind you that if he doesn't buy you diamonds, he's probably a serial killer.

Or:

This Valentine's Day, Kay Jewelers would like to remind you that if you don't buy her diamonds, no blow jobs for you this year.


(Tell me they don't market the shit out of THAT.)

It works.

I've seen like seven people get engaged on Facebook in the past 24 hours. Blowjobs for everyone!

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

St. Patrick's Day is becoming a thing. I think it's getting worse every year. Sort of like the Thanksgiving of drinking and bar fights where people wearing green start shit with people who don't. After that, we'll start celebrating celebrity birthdays like we do Presidents'. Ga-Ga Day will involve costumes. Garth Brooks Day will involve cowboy boots, cowboy hats, and Western-style shirts with thunder clouds and horses on them. Etc.