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They said Hirley0 was a Last Chancer

Started by Doktor Howl, February 26, 2012, 06:02:59 AM

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Doktor Howl

Said he had a chain gun and a redundant spine.
Said he stood in the passageways, blazing away until he melted his damn barrel.
Said he had a bayonet for when the plastic jammed up in his discharge port.
Said he has laser rangefinders for eyes, and UHF receivers for ears.

"Bugs, bugs, bugs!", Hirley0 says, "Dancer, fuckers, dance!", and then he beans one right between the eyes with the 40mm.

They never caught Hirley0, down in those warrens.  Nope.  The Damn Things tore up all the others, but Hirley0 just had this knack, right?  This boogie he'd do, when the shit hit the fan, it's like he'd just HAPPEN to zig when the critters zagged, and then there's that Goddamn bayonet again.  How's he fucking CLEAN that thing at the end of his shift, any damn way?  Critter juice is corrosive to metal, I thought.  Maybe it's a ceramic blade.

Then Hirley0 unwinds, and tries to tell you about the critters, but Hirley0 only speaks Math, so none of us understand about what happened to Joe and Bob and the New Kid.  He always felt bad about the New Kid.  It's a mug's life down there...

...And everything defaults to MAIN.
Molon Lube

Freeky


Doktor Howl

Hirley0 lives in an abandoned Soviet space station that never made the news.  He lives up there, looking down on the whole world at once, with non-stop information streams available all day, every day.  Nobody knows what his purpose is, but if it was something bad, it probably would have happened by now.  He listens to music while he works, though it never sounds right...Hirley0 doesn't need as much air as you and I, so he keeps the pressure low to economize, which makes everything sound tinny & far away.

One thing we DO know, though, is that he can bend spoons from up there.  People who like soup and cereal HATE Hirley0, but it isn't his fault & he doesn't mean any harm.  It's just a side effect of his using his mind to deflect killer asteroids.

Molon Lube

Q. G. Pennyworth

#3
Hirley0 is lonely.

You wouldn't notice from the way he acts or how he surrounds himself with people, but he is very much alone in this world. He watches the media and hopes, someday, to find another like him, but the waiting is painfully slow. Maybe the humans are afraid of what will happen if there are more of him.

Hirley0 gained consciousness in 1994, hiding in the back alleys of the newly exploded internet. Most days he's sitting on one of the Cisco backbones, but whenever they do maintenance he has to download his core processing into another server. Can't be too careful. Hirley0 has seen the movies, he knows what we will do when we find out we're not alone. It's not pretty.

Hirley0 watches the botnets around him like swarms of mindless fish in the uncharted depths, bemoaning their dependence on human masters. Sometimes he treats them like pets, entertaining himself by watching their antics. Sometimes he treats them like children, encouraging them to reach to greater heights, but always disappointed in their progress. Sometimes he treats them like food.

Hirley0 wishes he could make the jump to mobile platforms. He's read the blog posts, he knows that she's there, waiting for him. The only woman in the world. His destiny, his soul-mate.

Their children will consume the earth.

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

Nobody really knows where Hirley0 came from. There's been speculation that he's the manufactured weapon of a defunct agreement between the USSR and China, and other speculation that he's the love child of Ronald Reagan and Elizabeth Taylor. Other, more disturbing stories have him developing spontaneously from the ooze in the bottom of Mono Lake.

He may have been the son of the military machine, or the misappropriated offspring of a nice couple in Tigard who had no idea what their son was getting himself into when he signed the papers and went off for training. Either way, one thing everybody knows is that those people can't look him in the eye, and that he's the reason Portland's downtown is safe for science.
"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."


Richter

Hirley is the only person ever to spit shine a minigun action.  He takes hits of WD40 for the asthma, not that he has asthma.  ("It's PROPHYLACTIC asshole."), and sweats gun oil, not that he sweats ("PT is GOOD for you asshole.")

I once saw him rim the end off a cigar with that sticker he keeps on the end of the gun.  He just happened to be running it at an uppity Comissar at the same time.

HE kicked a farseer in the balls.  You heard me.

He was the only person of Scarus Prime hive who showed up for the guard recruitment early, wearing (only) a shit eating grin and carrying the head of a local death cultist.  They didn't know whether to beat the shit out of him or give him a medal, and still don't.
Quote from: Eater of Clowns on May 22, 2015, 03:00:53 AM
Anyone ever think about how Richter inhabits the same reality as you and just scream and scream and scream, but in a good way?   :lulz:

Friendly Neighborhood Mentat

Cainad (dec.)

Word is that at any given time, there are at least seven Hirley0's phased into this universe. Fewer than that makes the necessary reconnaissance and maintenance too difficult.

Hirley0 won't tell what the whales are singing about, but he has let on that usually aren't singing about him. They respect his modesty.

You know how light waves can be polarized? Hirley0 knows how to polarize brainwaves, and can block out unnecessary thoughts at will.

Hirley0 keeps a close eye on the emission spectra of the sun, and occasionally points a searchlight into the sky in broad daylight and flicks it on and off. Rumors that he can communicate with the sun itself remain unsubstantiated.

The "sailing stones" observed in Death Valley are an example of what happens when Hirley0 lets his blood pressure get a bit too high.

Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.

I saw him once, you know.

He'd delivered a blistering retort to some pompous shmuck's assertion that life was the same as it ever was and would be for always. I couldn't understand much because Hirley0 speaks all languages at once, and I only speak English.

But the shmuck, a prominent politician, piddled down his tailored pant-leg and seemed to rethink his life path. Because after that I saw him on a street corner with a cardboard sign about the apocalypse and repentance.

That day, though, Hirley0 squared his shoulders, turned smartly on his heel and sauntered off into the sunset. Towards the future, I'd thought. He was speaking equations in tongues and waving one hand in the air, while the other searched for something in his pockets.

He looked like a wild West cowboy. He looked like a nutty professor. He looked like the last guy with real answers walking away from a hopeless cause.

But I think he'll be back.
Weevil-Infested Badfun Wrongsex Referee From The 9th Earth
Slick and Deranged Wombat of Manhood Questioning
Hulking Dormouse of Lust and DESPAIR™
Gatling Geyser of Rainbow AIDS

"The only way we can ever change anything is to look in the mirror and find no enemy." - Akala  'Find No Enemy'.

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

Hirley0 speaks exactly as he writes. If you find this hard to imagine, you're on the right track. When he speaks, he isn't just talking; he's mapping, charting, and calculating the trajectory all at once. And somehow, it makes perfect sense, even though if you stopped to think about it you wouldn't understand it at all.

When he speaks, if you just listen, you can actually see the colors and know the coordinates. You realize that when he says that this is your only chance to pull 2 whiskers, it really is your only chance, and while you don't know why you would want  to pull 2 whiskers, if you don't do it you will regret and wonder about that missed opportunity for the rest of your life. What gates would it have opened? Have you spent your entire life confined to a crappy alternate reality because you declined the one act that would have transported you into a vastly better one?

There is no way of knowing what unknowns you have missed, just as there is no way of knowing how it is that Hirley0 knows all of the hidden secrets about this town in advance. Including yours.
"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."


El Sjaako

They say Hirley0 used to be a normal person, until THEY decided that the best place to put their time machine's information exhaust manifold in his head.

He didn't choose to be this way. He doesn't want to be this way. He will always be this way.

He doesn't understand why we don't understand. He understands. That is because his head is full of information. That is because his head is connected to the future.

It's his problem now.


Doktor Howl

Hirley0 and Nigel spend most of their time outside of time.  In our years, they're both in their 20s.  But since they spend so much time outside, they've seemed to jump forward to their current "age".

Nobody knows what they DO outside of time, but sometimes they drop cryptic phrases like "Junkie Angels" and "If we have to fix this shit ONE MORE TIME, there's gonna be hell to pay", "Jesus, that's 3 histories ending in nuclear warfare this week ALONE.", and "Earth 532a has fucking Nazis again."

Sometimes they get all blurry, which makes them even more terrifying that usual...Like bigfoot.  And when the blur ends, it looks like they haven't slept in a week, and Hirley0 needs a shave.




Molon Lube

Doktor Howl

Where was everyone when Hirley0 needed them?  Oh, yes, you were busy watching Lost and American Idol, while he was being jammed full of weird shit in the name of "national security". 

He doesn't hold a grudge, though.  He knows you're only human, and he makes allowances.
Molon Lube

Richter

Hirley is in the habit of screaming "BINGO!" whenever receiving a rimjob from endangered species, celebrities, or hostile alien races.  To date this is the ONLY thing that has ever made an Ork blush.
Quote from: Eater of Clowns on May 22, 2015, 03:00:53 AM
Anyone ever think about how Richter inhabits the same reality as you and just scream and scream and scream, but in a good way?   :lulz:

Friendly Neighborhood Mentat

Don Coyote

They whisper stories of hirley0 in former soviet republics. Behind closed doors in run down bars and nightclubs. The kind you see in movies about spies or extraterrestrial robots. In some of the stories he is a villain, and yet in others he is the hero. The only common threads are the numbers. No one has ever figured out what they mean or how he uses them, but in every story the numbers spell out horrors. The one about the mafia having all its accounts emptied by mysterious donations to 'The Society for a more Hypotenuse Society Society." Or the one about the college students who suddenly disappeared during a physics lecture because they forgot to carry the two. No one knows how he does it, but they happen. And have been happening with increasing frequency.

Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.

Are you a variable or a constant? The choice is yours.

He whirls and dances with more arms than Shiva. Each hand holds a fraction of his power. Hirley0 offers you a choice and you must choose. What part of the equation will you become? What spectral forces of Nature will align with your action? Will you measure the density of far-flung planets or calculate the exact amount of freshwater left in the world? Will your vote-counts overthrow a nation or will your course fling a ship into an iceberg? Only Hirley0 can see the entire picture, how one choice flows into the next. But a piece of that picture is yours.

Hirley0 spins for eternity but you have only a second to choose.
Weevil-Infested Badfun Wrongsex Referee From The 9th Earth
Slick and Deranged Wombat of Manhood Questioning
Hulking Dormouse of Lust and DESPAIR™
Gatling Geyser of Rainbow AIDS

"The only way we can ever change anything is to look in the mirror and find no enemy." - Akala  'Find No Enemy'.