Payne's Messiah Complex

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Payne's Messiah Complex™ is proud to announce that they have added one new chapel, two new rides¹, and a rib shack to the grounds.







¹The Roller Coaster was left half completed for cheap laughs, and the Scrambler randomly extends out to the razor wire.  The Complex is not responsible for any injuries or property damage resulting from excessive & sudden Holiness™.

AND INTRODUCING THE ROGERTRON, THE MOST ADVANCED AND REALISTIC BEAR BAITING RIDE IN EXISTENCE. YOU JUST HAVE TO PROVIDE YOUR OWN POWERPUFF GIRL COSTUMES.

[Payne]

Payne turned down an honorary degree from Oxford, on the basis that they didn't have enough honor to spare.  Likewise, he turned down a knighthood because knights don't actually go crusading anymore, and his comment was something along the lines of "What's the bloody point, then?"

What most people don't understand about Payne, is that he's too busy to accept meaningless honors from fatbacks who haven't budged from their seats since Maggie Thatcher shuffled off to her lair.  His monks patrol the sewers, his undercover agents spread the flu through the ranks of the Met, and he himself is kept constantly hopping, protecting us all from Pixie's wrath.  The hard way.

Another lesser-known fact is that the reason Payne had to move to the UK in the first place was that it isn't legally or morally permissable for he and Richter to operate on the same continent.  It creates dimples in the Luck Plane that would result in horrible catastrophes...Hell, the fact that they even existed on the same continent for a short period of time during their childhoods resulted in the election of George W Bush.

This is scientifically  proven trufact.

It's also why gay marriage is banned in many places. The idea of Richter and I getting it on and bearing legitimate heirs is even more horrifying to them that a power cut during the semi-final of American Idol.

They have no eye for beauty.

[Payne]

If some STUPID GODDAMNED ASSHOLE will buy a cheese sandwich that has Mother Mary on it for $10k from Ebay, A Payne toe will draw $50k EASY.  If it works, I bet 10 good American dollars (that's about 8 quid in metric) that Payne will be TOELESS by September.  The temptation will be too great.  Hell, the idea makes me wanna come to Southampton and cut one off of him myself.  Better wear them boots to bed like a Cornishman, O Exalted One!

Imagine what a TESTICLE would bring.

I have but one toe per leg. A gigantic toe attached to my ankle. Feet are for losers.

The testicles on the other hand... Or on both hands...

They are indestructable to most implements of cutting. It's why I can never vasectomy myself, and have therefore had to avoid my more LMNOesque miracles.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

If some STUPID GODDAMNED ASSHOLE will buy a cheese sandwich that has Mother Mary on it for $10k from Ebay, A Payne toe will draw $50k EASY.  If it works, I bet 10 good American dollars (that's about 8 quid in metric) that Payne will be TOELESS by September.  The temptation will be too great.  Hell, the idea makes me wanna come to Southampton and cut one off of him myself.  Better wear them boots to bed like a Cornishman, O Exalted One!

Imagine what a TESTICLE would bring.

I have but one toe per leg. A gigantic toe attached to my ankle. Feet are for losers.

The testicles on the other hand... Or on both hands...

They are indestructable to most implements of cutting. It's why I can never vasectomy myself, and have therefore had to avoid my more LMNOesque miracles.

We'll take it still attached, then.

Won't the Ebay customer be surprised?   

[Payne]

Payne, addressing the heathens at an unknown bakery:

I always THOUGHT that You People were INSANE, but after visiting this bakery, I KNOW you are!  How can you say that you are of the cut biscuit school when you go ahead and jam the biscuits into a pan so that they stick together?  THE WHOLE POINT of cut biscuits is to have the sides of each biscuit become stratified after the biscuit rises! ALL SIDES!  Not just SOME of the sides!  With your method of baking cut biscuits you have to TEAR them apart JUST LIKE DROP BISCUITS, SO THEY MIGHT AS WELL BE DROP BISCUITS!

There's nothing I hate worse than biscuit school poseurs, except maybe John Major.

We here in The Church are unsure why this is spiritually important, but Payne was adamant about it.  He was on about it for like 3 weeks.

They weren't even biscuits! They were fake scones!

[Payne]

Payne, being the devotee of all things scientific and spiritual that he is, once tested a popular question:  "If you're driving at the speed of light, and you turn your headlights on, what happens?"

His answer was this:  "The light comes out of your tailpipe...And when you get home, everyone you know has died of old age."

This was disputed by Stephen Hawking, who unfortunately did so under his own name.  He is now in a wheelchair.

I did that because otherwise the therom of Rule34 would have been fatally incomplete.

Hawkings nurse agrees with me, by the way.

[Payne]

Many years ago, back in 2003, I was stunned to find that Payne not only believed in divination, but that he had a 100% success rate.  He was even willing to demonstrate his method...Which was to shove all the tiles from a Scrabble game up a Chav's arse, and then kick him until they fall out, having an assistant record the order in which they emerged.

I tried this, and was rewarded with the message "NEWT GINGRICH SHALL RETURN".  I thought the whole thing was obviously bullshit, and said so.  Payne just laughed, and told me to wait and see.

I have waited, and I have seen.

We need to try this on Guidos, to keep the import expenses down.

Doesn't work. You just get Berlusconi propaganda, and the scrabble pieces mysteriously disappear from this reality.

[Payne]

I have stood in the presence of Payne. I have touched the hem of his garment. All I can say is - thank fuck for industrial detergent and clinical amputation - I could have lost much more than my arm!

Once Payne accosted me in the street and dragged me into McDonald's, explaining that I was "anointed" and, as such, honour-bound to pay for his McChicken sandwich. The whole time we were there he was ranting semi coherently about West Life and the moon landings and something to do with the guy who invented Post-It Notes.

When he left I noticed a fresh puddle of piss on his seat but, when I looked at the back of his trousers, they were bone dry. This was the one and only time I've ever intentionally stared at Payne's ass.

P3nT was very lucky. Not just anyone gets to buy me food.

[Payne]

I have stood in the presence of Payne. I have touched the hem of his garment. All I can say is - thank fuck for industrial detergent and clinical amputation - I could have lost much more than my arm!

Once Payne accosted me in the street and dragged me into McDonald's, explaining that I was "anointed" and, as such, honour-bound to pay for his McChicken sandwich. The whole time we were there he was ranting semi coherently about West Life and the moon landings and something to do with the guy who invented Post-It Notes.

When he left I noticed a fresh puddle of piss on his seat but, when I looked at the back of his trousers, they were bone dry. This was the one and only time I've ever intentionally stared at Payne's ass.

You got off easy.  Rumor has it that Payne was so delighted with Triple Zero's visit that he made Trip a going away present with his very own hands.  Anal beads, as I recall.  It was weeks before the local lanes realized they were short two dozen bowling balls.

And as for the "pissmata", that's a very well documented phenomenon that Payne manifests on a regular basis, and at will.  He takes the piss so hard that the victim of his mickey-extraction shrivels up and vanishes, leaving only a incorporeal puddle of piss on his seat.  It usually vanishes within an hour, unless some unfortunate sits in it, in which case all the mickey goes straight up the poor bastard's arse, and he spends the next 3 months being really serious about himself.

They both got off easy.

Lookit what I gave Pixie.

GO ON, LOOK!

[Payne]

Payne sometimes manifests at the Salvation army store.  You'll know it's him because he'll be taking every gym bag and valise in the place, tearing it open to see if any money was left in it and then tossing it on the floor as he moves on to the next one.  Best just to take note when he's biting the heads off of baby gophers or shooting at the cloud monsters.  If he looks your way, the best response is to scowl, shake your fist at him and yell "SAME TO YOU!", before he says anything.  Momentarily confusing him is really your only hope.

Actually, I'm looking for Sally and Ann, to fulfil the Prophecy.

And I'm not looking for money in the valises, I am actually re-enacting the Gospel of Adam Ant.

[Payne]

To understand Payne, you must understand Pixie.  This painful Truth cannot be avoided, no matter how hard she hits you.  "BIGGER IS BETTER!", she yells, referring to the bumps on your head.  Pixie is usually kind to the help, but cannot abide sissies and lesser wimps.  There are no emo kids in Southampton, because she either cures them, kills them, or sends them screaming for London, where they sit around in Trafalgar Square, moaning about how things were so much more deliciously SAD in Southampton, and how put upon they all are...When they SHOULD be glad that they escaped with their make up & fishnet stockings.

Pixie isn't concerned with their fate, or the fate of London for that matter...She just doesn't want to deal with people moping all the time, so she gives them something to REALLY cry about.  She once travelled to Arizona, and Hot Topic's stock fell 20 points on the news alone.

Pixie is a very bad girl.

She chastised Princess Di for her shocking treatment of the royal family once, and then blamed it on Philip.

She also does unspeakable things with lemon. SECRET THINGS.

[Payne]

Concerning teabaggers, occupiers, libertarians, Obama fans, and Ron Paul voters:

If someone veers off in the wrong direction due to lack of information, Payne can correct that...But if you hook 'em up to a Richterian response meter and the needle barely even twitches, you're in PLEASE POUND MY HEAD WITH AN UNABRIDGED DICTIONARY territory.  Its enough to make you defecate, I tell you!  PROJECTILE defecate!

People wear these ideologies like they're hazmat suits.  They're sure to cover EVERY INCH of themselves, so that NO NEW IDEAS might stick to them.  They're SO sure that THEY'RE right and that EVERYONE ELSE is wrong that you can't smear any Holiness™ on them, no matter how hard you swing.

Why?  Because these groups have ALL THE ANSWERS, so long as you ONLY ASK AUTHORIZED QUESTIONS.  They've got the cure-all for 220 years of weirdness.  They're GENIUSES, because they have EASY ANSWERS TO VERY COMPLICATED PROBLEMS.  All they have to do is to get everyone, every primate on the planet, to accept their swill and ACT IN WAYS THAT ARE NOT NATURAL FOR PRIMATES.

Of course, if you tell them that their easy answers have been tried and tried, over and over again...Or if you're so rude as to point out the HUGE FUCKING FLAWS, then you're an example of someone who should be shot or reeducated or marginalized or whatever.  They're ALL THE SAME, when it comes down to the nut-cutting.  You can judge ANY system by what it does or plans to do with dissidents, and right now, a lot of these people are starting to look like RED FUCKING CHINA.

They make no fucking sense.  And they like it that way.

Yeah. It's like they can't take a joke. Just the other day the Queen went actually rabid when someone mentioned the name of some other guy named Steve the palace over from her. Didn't even come at me though. Just paraded around on a boat in the Thames for just long enough to let her sweet old husband to get painfully ill.

All the bastards are shutting up now, because no one can hear there billious rhetoric as anything but static and elevator muzak, and we have entered an era where rage must be socially sanctioned. The 'Other' is reduced to a novelty in such tired and hackneyed ways that the original impact of the social contagion is lost under strata upon strata of cliched and tired grey boredom.

It's times like these (as Dave Grohl managed to make into a hit song, through relentless repetition) that make me want to shake people by the shoulders screaming until my teeth fly out and lodge in them.

Yeah I get pissed off sometimes. Torrentially and cleansingly pissed off. But I can only do it for a time, a very small time. Cause if I don't, and walk around with that face on all the time, then I really do begin to get The Fear. I have not enough worms in my brain for that.

Worms or no, though. I will continue stomping spiders.

[Payne]

Heh.

I guess Payne is just some guy I used to know.

It's all right. I'm just some guy I used to know to me too.

[Payne]

No way man, Payne is THE PAYNE!

We can all only hope to be like him. 

Dude Rocks like no other.

Yeah, well, I had hoped to at least get a "hello" out of him with this thread.

Didn't work out.  He's gone.

40 days and 40 nights is for pussies.

If you're going to do something, do it right.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Payne's Messiah Complex proudly announces the first ever drive-through flaggelation service.