Payne's Messiah Complex

[Doktor Howl]

No way man, Payne is THE PAYNE!

We can all only hope to be like him. 

Dude Rocks like no other.

Yeah, well, I had hoped to at least get a "hello" out of him with this thread.

Didn't work out.  He's gone.

[AFK]

I wager he sends us his love just the same. 

Which may explain this slight tickle I'm feeling all of a sudden. 

[Payne]

Bump, for catch-upy goodness for y'all while I address the multiple and heinous blasphemies of this thread.

[Payne]

It occurs to me that it's only a "messiah complex" if you aren't actually the messiah.  Since Payne demonstratably IS the messiah - as proven by his multiple deaths and resurrections - then he has no messiah complex.  It's more like he has a bad case of messiah simplex, which leads to canker sores, bad hair, and eventual insanity.

The STD of the Gods, so to speak.

If indeed he ISN'T the messiah, then he'd instead have tiny invisible demons zipping in and out of every orifice, which would cause unspeakable pain.  However, there is no pain, there is only Payne.

Therefore, he is the messiah, and isn't very complex.

QED.

This is why Dok Howl is not allowed within 50 feet of ANY truly spiritual place anymore.

He denies my true tru-plex nature, which is the trinity between Complex, Simplex and Horniness.

For shame.

[Payne]

100,000 years from now, human society will undoubtedly be so different from contemporary society, so different in technology, social structure, and world view, that our day-to-day thinking and activity will be as obscure and incomprehensible to them as the workings of neanderthal man are to us today.

Why did one group of them fly an airplane into a building occupied by members of this other group?  Why did the other group fight a war in Iraq?  Why are they so intently focused on a small group of religions known as "political parties"?  Why did they choose a Scotsman as their ruler?

And WHAT is this "Discordianism" thing, anydamnway?

What was this strange fringe religion?  Did they REALLY NOT NOTICE that it's Holy Man™ was a haggis-eating freak?  Did they really have all the answers after all?

And they won't know the answers to these questions.  Outside of a few obscure specialists operating in little-travelled byroads of their academia, there will be nobody who will even comprehend the questions.

But if they do manage to reconstruct our society at all...If they even CARE one way or another. If some genius among them is able to reactivate the crude electrically-fired magnetic artifacts which were our storehouse of knowledge, and to make sense out of the binary patterns encoded into them...If they can catalog the Internet and from that see where so much activity was centered during a few years of a lost age, and if in the process they are able to watch the day to day conversations and theological debates which constitute Discordianism...And in doing so, some single soul from the year 189843, alone but entranced in watching the very thought process of this strange but stirring long-forgotten race of another world happens to notice Payne among them, while he will not really grasp in any deep way the overall meaning of the times or our politics or beliefs or religion, Payne will present no mystery at all to him.

"What SPAG", he will think.  "A gibbering freak from the highlands, and nothing else"

And on that point, if none other, he will be correct.

Okay for now,
Dok

It's this kind of talk that gets you the fiery bastinado. I swear, Buddha tried this with me the other day, and now he's sold Buddhism to Microsoft and has retired to Senegal to raise beans.

[Payne]

It's this kind of Holy Man™ that makes it clear that most Discordians are too cheap to buy incense and instead leave all of their cleaning products open under the sink.  That sort of prophet can make you think leather-clad leprechauns are breakdancing on top of your TV.  I mean when they're really NOT, because sometimes they are.

This is correct.

One time I made the leprechaun joke to Queen Elizabeth I, and she was so disturbed she was never able to watch "Britains Got Talent" ever again. And also all that business in Ireland.

[Payne]

There's a guy who lives in the dumpster behind the Chinese restaurant here, who says basically the same things that Payne is saying, except that he uses math instead of haggis as proof.  Yet it appears he can't even wipe his own ass.

Now, would that homeless smelly guy behind the Great Wall of China be really just a mentally ill fellow with a messiah complex, or would he be simply another manifestation of Payne, an "outcropping," so to speak?  Or is it just a coincidence that so many of the people in mental institutions and dumpsters say the same things about the world as Payne does?  Or, more ominously, are those insane kooks who talk so much like Payne really just "set dressing" that some of the rogue Nigels set in place across the world at great expense, to distract the human populace from Payne's vast achievements, and make him appear to be just another crazy blabbering New Age casualty?

These are questions Discordians must answer (since Payne is dead again).

Did you know that I can bulge most fabrics really quite monstrously?

[Payne]

Fun fact:  Payne uses natural geysers to bathe, as he NEEDS the mud.  If he doesn't soil himself with alcohol, filth, and immoral behavior, his Holiness™ actually builds up to dangerous levels, and spontaneous miracles occur around him.  And not just magnets and shit, either.  Sometimes whole oceans part, dooming countless ships (and fish), or the mountain comes to him (sorry, London).

Entire herds of sheep spontaneously invert into haggis.  While this may feed Scotsmen, it also deprives them of the wool which they need to weave into prophylactics (and the world doesn't need any more Scotsmen).  Water turns into shitty beer, like Watneys.  People jump into swimming pools and break both of their legs on the surface.

So, yeah, when you see Payne face down in the gutter, puking up crappy English beer, don't despise him.

Thank him.

To be fair I did have to learn the Secrets of Elite Retardism at a very young age. All Jesus ever did was troll his mates and read the Torah. If you were wise you would crucify me now. But I know you won't.

You enjoy it too much. I am your spiritual Class A narcotic. Also I have nuns.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I can't wait til you get to the good bits.   

TDRR,
Heading for the bomb shelter.

[Payne]

Whoa.  Payne is full of mysteries, that are not in and of themselves mysterious.

I was lonely, so I thought I'd record some scripture.

And no, Payne's mysteries are not very mysterious.  The mystery is that there are SO MANY of them.  He's been known to do ventriloquism while suffering from copromesis, for example.  That's way harder than doing it while drinking a glass of water.

He has also healed the boots of Cornishmen, re-sized kilts, and even once survived the horror of "misbreathing" while playing the bagpipes, and thus being sucked up the pipe.  The only other person who has survived that is P3nt, who has no bones as a result, and has to be poured into his kiyak.

Yes, Payne has done these things and many more.  We just don't know why.

I could tell you why, but everyone I do it to turns into Newt Gingrich.

Yeah.

[Payne]

If people LISTENED to Payne (as I did), you would see how you're only repeating the same sort of thing that's been done over and over again by people even dumber than yourselves - TO NO END.  Human bickering and "problem-solving" never solves ANYTHING, but keeps the humans going around and around making irritating noises for no purpose.

This is why Payne endorses the use of atomic weapons for any reason or no reason at all.

CG never seemed to embrace my "A NUKE FOR EVERY MEXICAN" immigration policy.

[Payne]

All other religions, all other belief systems are cosmic crap, and that's all well and good until you stub your toe, or the cops pull you over, or the bills come due.  Then all of the sudden there's greater significance in that nail poking out of the floor that you never noticed until it hurt your toe, or the tail-lights, or the fucking job.  Miss a paycheck, wreck your car, and that nifty arbitrariness flies the coop.

THEN you'll wish you'd listened to Payne when you HAD THE CHANCE.  THEN you'll be sorry that you have time to post in troll threads, time to worry about nonsense like the upcoming election, time for everything, in fact, besides Payne.

But then it will be too late, and your wails and the gnashing of your teeth will not be answered - or even heard - by Payne, because...Well, he's dead, and Pixie has him busy anyway, learning to visualize Maggie Thatcher's cleavage as penance for his vast and sundry list of SINS.

SINS that YOU PEOPLE have no hope of emulating.  Mostly because you lack the required orifices.

YOU SHITCOCKING BASTARDEFILER. YOUR PENANCE WILL NOT BE A PRETTY ONE. AFTER I'M DONE WITH YOU YOUR CORPSE WILL BE STUFFED INTO A SCIENTOLOGIST TIME CAPSULE TO TEACH DISTANT FUTURE GENERATIONS WHY THEY SHOULD NEVER TOM CRUISE CONTROL.

[Payne]

Payne's Messiah Complex™ is proud to announce that they have added one new chapel, two new rides¹, and a rib shack to the grounds.







¹The Roller Coaster was left half completed for cheap laughs, and the Scrambler randomly extends out to the razor wire.  The Complex is not responsible for any injuries or property damage resulting from excessive & sudden Holiness™.

AND INTRODUCING THE ROGERTRON, THE MOST ADVANCED AND REALISTIC BEAR BAITING RIDE IN EXISTENCE. YOU JUST HAVE TO PROVIDE YOUR OWN POWERPUFF GIRL COSTUMES.

[Payne]

This thread is one of the best things I have ever read.

Ever.

I felt that there was too much friction here, so I decided to post about something we can all agree on...You know, that Payne is a horrible little man who should be treated the way all holy men get treated, only the fucker died before we could "honor" him.

Here I would tell Dok Howl to "Bring It Fat Man".

But I hear he's currently indisposed. I will therefore take it out on the Marshall Islands.

[Payne]

I need him now!

Which coming will it be?

Oh, He'll tell us what to do!

Or, at the very least, where to go.

Or the secrets of Curly.