Payne's Messiah Complex

[Kai]

I live in hope of Payne's ressurection.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

This thread is one of the best things I have ever read.

Ever.

[Doktor Howl]

This thread is one of the best things I have ever read.

Ever.

I felt that there was too much friction here, so I decided to post about something we can all agree on...You know, that Payne is a horrible little man who should be treated the way all holy men get treated, only the fucker died before we could "honor" him.

[Deepthroat Chopra]

I need him now!

Which coming will it be?

Oh, He'll tell us what to do!

[Doktor Howl]

I need him now!

Which coming will it be?

Oh, He'll tell us what to do!

Or, at the very least, where to go.

[Deepthroat Chopra]

As long as He tells me something to make it all make sense! There's only so much spiritual nurishment to be had from endless packets of Iced Vo-Vo's!

[Doktor Howl]

Payne turned down an honorary degree from Oxford, on the basis that they didn't have enough honor to spare.  Likewise, he turned down a knighthood because knights don't actually go crusading anymore, and his comment was something along the lines of "What's the bloody point, then?"

What most people don't understand about Payne, is that he's too busy to accept meaningless honors from fatbacks who haven't budged from their seats since Maggie Thatcher shuffled off to her lair.  His monks patrol the sewers, his undercover agents spread the flu through the ranks of the Met, and he himself is kept constantly hopping, protecting us all from Pixie's wrath.  The hard way.

Another lesser-known fact is that the reason Payne had to move to the UK in the first place was that it isn't legally or morally permissable for he and Richter to operate on the same continent.  It creates dimples in the Luck Plane that would result in horrible catastrophes...Hell, the fact that they even existed on the same continent for a short period of time during their childhoods resulted in the election of George W Bush.

[Doktor Howl]

If some STUPID GODDAMNED ASSHOLE will buy a cheese sandwich that has Mother Mary on it for $10k from Ebay, A Payne toe will draw $50k EASY.  If it works, I bet 10 good American dollars (that's about 8 quid in metric) that Payne will be TOELESS by September.  The temptation will be too great.  Hell, the idea makes me wanna come to Southampton and cut one off of him myself.  Better wear them boots to bed like a Cornishman, O Exalted One!

Imagine what a TESTICLE would bring.

[Doktor Howl]

Payne, addressing the heathens at an unknown bakery:

I always THOUGHT that You People were INSANE, but after visiting this bakery, I KNOW you are!  How can you say that you are of the cut biscuit school when you go ahead and jam the biscuits into a pan so that they stick together?  THE WHOLE POINT of cut biscuits is to have the sides of each biscuit become stratified after the biscuit rises! ALL SIDES!  Not just SOME of the sides!  With your method of baking cut biscuits you have to TEAR them apart JUST LIKE DROP BISCUITS, SO THEY MIGHT AS WELL BE DROP BISCUITS!

There's nothing I hate worse than biscuit school poseurs, except maybe John Major.

We here in The Church are unsure why this is spiritually important, but Payne was adamant about it.  He was on about it for like 3 weeks.

[Doktor Howl]

Payne, being the devotee of all things scientific and spiritual that he is, once tested a popular question:  "If you're driving at the speed of light, and you turn your headlights on, what happens?"

His answer was this:  "The light comes out of your tailpipe...And when you get home, everyone you know has died of old age."

This was disputed by Stephen Hawking, who unfortunately did so under his own name.  He is now in a wheelchair.

[Doktor Howl]

Many years ago, back in 2003, I was stunned to find that Payne not only believed in divination, but that he had a 100% success rate.  He was even willing to demonstrate his method...Which was to shove all the tiles from a Scrabble game up a Chav's arse, and then kick him until they fall out, having an assistant record the order in which they emerged.

I tried this, and was rewarded with the message "NEWT GINGRICH SHALL RETURN".  I thought the whole thing was obviously bullshit, and said so.  Payne just laughed, and told me to wait and see.

I have waited, and I have seen.

We need to try this on Guidos, to keep the import expenses down.

[Doktor Howl]

Tried it on a hipster on Congress St.

Results:

SPEAK TO ME LIBRARY POLICE
IN MY HANDS MY DICK I SEIZE
LOOKS LIKE JAIL TIME YES I KNOW
OFF TO PRISON HERE I GO

Obviously, we're going to need to try this again.

[P3nT4gR4m]

I have stood in the presence of Payne. I have touched the hem of his garment. All I can say is - thank fuck for industrial detergent and clinical amputation - I could have lost much more than my arm!

Once Payne accosted me in the street and dragged me into McDonald's, explaining that I was "anointed" and, as such, honour-bound to pay for his McChicken sandwich. The whole time we were there he was ranting semi coherently about West Life and the moon landings and something to do with the guy who invented Post-It Notes.

When he left I noticed a fresh puddle of piss on his seat but, when I looked at the back of his trousers, they were bone dry. This was the one and only time I've ever intentionally stared at Payne's ass.

[Doktor Howl]

I have stood in the presence of Payne. I have touched the hem of his garment. All I can say is - thank fuck for industrial detergent and clinical amputation - I could have lost much more than my arm!

Once Payne accosted me in the street and dragged me into McDonald's, explaining that I was "anointed" and, as such, honour-bound to pay for his McChicken sandwich. The whole time we were there he was ranting semi coherently about West Life and the moon landings and something to do with the guy who invented Post-It Notes.

When he left I noticed a fresh puddle of piss on his seat but, when I looked at the back of his trousers, they were bone dry. This was the one and only time I've ever intentionally stared at Payne's ass.

You got off easy.  Rumor has it that Payne was so delighted with Triple Zero's visit that he made Trip a going away present with his very own hands.  Anal beads, as I recall.  It was weeks before the local lanes realized they were short two dozen bowling balls.

And as for the "pissmata", that's a very well documented phenomenon that Payne manifests on a regular basis, and at will.  He takes the piss so hard that the victim of his mickey-extraction shrivels up and vanishes, leaving only a incorporeal puddle of piss on his seat.  It usually vanishes within an hour, unless some unfortunate sits in it, in which case all the mickey goes straight up the poor bastard's arse, and he spends the next 3 months being really serious about himself.

[Doktor Howl]

Payne sometimes manifests at the Salvation army store.  You'll know it's him because he'll be taking every gym bag and valise in the place, tearing it open to see if any money was left in it and then tossing it on the floor as he moves on to the next one.  Best just to take note when he's biting the heads off of baby gophers or shooting at the cloud monsters.  If he looks your way, the best response is to scowl, shake your fist at him and yell "SAME TO YOU!", before he says anything.  Momentarily confusing him is really your only hope.