This just in: America is the only country ever

[cris]

Late this evening, President Obama contacted the press with a shocking announcement. America and it's people, are the only people in the world, and the only people who have ever existed.

"Before we had made up the whole continent thing, America was very lonely." Obama, 89, said to the press. "We had no diverse culture, no war...life gets tedious."

When asked how they kept up the lies so long, Obama said this:

"Well, first we rewrote all the history books and began brainwashing kids into believing there was a whole other world out there. Have you ever wondered why history seems to play out much like a blockbuster film? That is because we had all the best writers make it up! Napoleon, Alexander the Great, Mao and many more of our favorite friends simply never existed!"

This brings up the question you're all asking yourselves right now. What about people who have traveled to the other countries? Your friends who live out of the country?

"Ah, yes, this is where things go sticky." Obama said. "There are no other countries of course...everyone is flown to a nearby secluded area, where we hire the world's best actors to play as normal citizens! The tourists are tricked to believing they are in another country. As for your online friends, they are all CIA agents posing as foreigners!"

Of course, this brings up a bigger issue. What about Americans who move out of the country? Where do they go?

"We kill them secretly and then have a CIA look-a-like take over when they visit 'family'. It's really quite fun." Obama says.

Of course you're all probably wondering about 9-11, right?

"Ooooh, yeaaaah, about thaaaat...sorrrrrryyyyy..." Obama says.

With all of history made up, that brings up the question of how old the Earth really is!

"50 years old. Anyone older is an actor from the CIA." Obama says. "We actually don't know if people will even live to be 70, to be honest."

We asked President Obama if he had any last statements. He did.

"We did not make up Canada, they are just a bunch of escaped asylum patients who made up their own world." Obama said.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

[Freeky]

 

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

"Before we had made up the whole continent thing, America was very lonely." Obama, 89,

"50 years old. Anyone older is an actor from the CIA." Obama says. "We actually don't know if people will even live to be 70, to be honest."

ICWUTUDIDHAR 

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Nice. 

[cris]

"Before we had made up the whole continent thing, America was very lonely." Obama, 89,

"50 years old. Anyone older is an actor from the CIA." Obama says. "We actually don't know if people will even live to be 70, to be honest."

ICWUTUDIDHAR 

No, no you do not.

[Doktor Howl]

 

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

"Before we had made up the whole continent thing, America was very lonely." Obama, 89,

"50 years old. Anyone older is an actor from the CIA." Obama says. "We actually don't know if people will even live to be 70, to be honest."

ICWUTUDIDHAR 

No, no you do not.