The People in the Desert

[Phox]

Dear Doktor Howl,

When I first received your message, I did not initally know what to think. But upon reflection, and some investigation into the global network, I discovered the identities and purpose of all those people in your desert.

They are, in fact, the dregs of a scientific experiment that went horribly awry. The hypothesis was simple enough, when deprived of oxygen, the brain will shut itself down automatically. This seems like a (pardon the pun) no-brainer, but hey, if you can fleece the government out of a few mil just to fuck around and show what we already know.

Then one of the jackass technicians decided to fuck with the settings, and rather than a complete lack of oxygen, the brain only received intermittent bursts of oxygen, reducing its functionality to minimal levels, but not completely shutting down. The reults were, as you can surely guess, rather unpleasant.

Now, this was back in the 1940s. Why are they still there, then? Well, the short answer is the unintended consequence of this experiment resulted in the permanent adaption in brain physiology, which they have since passed on to their offspring. The government and the men responsible for this knew that if these people were allowed to be reintegrated into society, there would dire consequence, which might even threaten the species as a whole.

So to prevent this from happening, they decided the only course of action left to them was to ship these people to a remote and uncivilized locale. Appalachia was already full of a different sort of freak, and they decided that mixing the genetic mutations had a high likelihood of resulting in the sort of Superfreak that the eminent scientist Rick James warned us about, and decided it was best to avoid that, if at all possible. So, the next logical step was of course, to drop them in the desert with the Mormons, hoping the two would fight it out, but alas, it would appear that the two have yet to engage in any sort of mutual annihilation, and I wonder if they have not formed a secret alliance against the rest of us.

Anyway, it would appear that, though the process has been started, the use of force against them has not been green-lighted on a universal level, and it seems that there is little that you can do to fix this. However, psychological warfare has proven effective against them in the past, and has yet to be outlawed, if you wish to pursue a means of deterrence.

Love and kisses,
Doktor D. Jennifer Phox

[Doktor Howl]

Doktor Phox,

Violence has been ruled out, as the bastards breed faster than you can shoot them.  Nerve agents have no effect, as the mutants have no central nervous system, and bio weapons are ineffective due to the mutants' super-resistance garnered by every known form of STD on the planet, and some that came out of Roswell, NM, as well.

No, the only effective method of dealing with these swine is self-government.  It doesn't eradicate them, but it guarantees that they won't have a high enough level of education to use anything resembling modern technology.  It also allows those of us that are uninfected to get out and find food, bullets, and booze while they're locked up in Calvinist churches every Sunday.

The Mormon/Mutant mutual annihilation route is also an abject failure, as that jackass Dr James Semaj put a great big fucking ditch in between the states, in some misguided frenzy of pity for these animals.

And don't think that all is somehow forgiven, here.  We haven't forgotten you lowlanders foisting these pigs off on us, and our revenge will be a thing of legend.  We are currently testing the mutants to see what they can manage when they have enough oxygen.  If it is determined that they can leave their mobility scooters for any length of time, we're shipping the fuckers to the Midwest, and releasing them in the wild.

Are you ready for that?  Are you ready for 400 pound, frantic mutants running loose for days in your oxygen-rich atmosphere?  We figure their hearts will last an average of 3 weeks, and in that time they should fucking your shit royally.

Yours in the name of SCIENCE,
Doktor Howl

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I am starting to believe that there is something going on in Tucson that is greater than anything we have even begun to suspect.

[hirley0]

11AM Tuesday ' everNTS "trail" sh '

[Doktor Howl]

11AM Tuesday ' everNTS "trail" sh '

Yeah, I wonder why I responded, too.   

[Phox]

Doktor Howl,

I believe your plan is solid. Given the web-toed monstrosities that inhabit the lower parts of the Midwest, and the human/cheese hybrids located in the northern reaches, dispatching a cadre of mutants might clear up some of these problems. Of course, there is the issue that 3 weeks is actually ample breeding time, and we return to the problems of supermutants.

However, one wonders whether or not these new supermutants will retain the powers of both parents, or if they will merly be born inside out in a writhing mass of blood and acidic bile? I believe, in either instance, there will be significant alterations to the environment as a result of this.

However, in the name of SCIENCE!, it is a necessary risk, I believe. Do send your specially bred mutants up. I will report the results to you as I am able.

Because of quantum,
Doktor Phox

[Cainad (dec.)]

Dearest Doktors,

I hope this letter finds you reasonably well, all things considered. Things are largely business as usual here, but I'm afraid I must address an unpleasant topic.

The people here in our water-saturated Eastern Lowlands no longer have The Fear. They disbelieve in the mutants and freaks that have become the dominant fauna in your neck of the woods, and consider them to be mere stories used to frighten children. While they are still far from the worst depths of depravity, they have begun to take up some of the lazy habits that allow for mutant ideologies to take root.

A disconcerting number of them have begun to furtively direct their prayers towards The Free Market instead of His Drunken Gloriousness Payne, when they think I'm not listening. Some have even started wondering "what's the big deal with racism nowadays; it's not even really a thing in this country anymore except for a few fringe screwballs, right?"

I fear for their souls, Doktors, and I fear for my balls if The Reckoning should come too soon and my flock is seen in this shabby state. So I must implore you to do what none of us ever thought we'd do:

Airlift a few WalMart-fuls into the lowlands. Not enough to create a viable long-term community, but enough to prove the truth of what is really out there. Enough to bring back some Fear.

Peaches and Gravy,
The Right Reverend Cainad

[Doktor Howl]

Dear Mister the Cainad,

Fuck 'em.  I preached the word o Payne until I was blue in the face, and they passed on the other side.  Let the yahoos get what they deserve.

Doktor Howl,
Misanthropy really is my middle name.

[Cainad (dec.)]

Fuckin' a. Looks like I'm gonna have to write myself one hell of an indulgence then. Baby Jesus is gonna be pissed.

[Doktor Howl]

Fuckin' a. Looks like I'm gonna have to write myself one hell of an indulgence then. Baby Jesus is gonna be pissed.

I've heard that God takes Mastercard.

[Phox]

RE: The Eastern Lowlands

To Whichever Cainad It May Concern:

I have reviewed your request, and have decided that it is untenable. Even a single Wal-Mart is enough of the foul creatures to overrun a city the size of Providence, in just under two weeks time. However, I doubt even that would be enough to convince those who need convincing that these creatures are more than anomalous aberrations.

Your people have grown far too complacent in their ways, and their leaders and political figures know better, but kep their people deliberately in the dark. (cf. Mitt Romney).

However, your folk need not travel far for the proof you seek, as the rural areas of Pennsylvania are still home to a sub-species of these creatures, and can be observed in their natural state with ease.

Love and kisses,
Doktor D. Jennifer Phox

[LMNO]

Dear Herr Doktor:

You want racists?  We got em!  That whole shit with the integrated busing didn't go away in the 60's.  It just moved to Southie and Eastie.  It has been said that even in this day and age, one can live their entire lives in Boston, considered at the very least a b-list metropolis, without ever "having" to know a non-white person.

I mean, you can polish up the waterfront all you want, put in a nice place to eat, even move in a museum... but you're still gonna have some skinhead from D Block or FSU (that's the "Fuck Shit Up" crew, not "Florida State University") or Charlestown kicking the "wrong person"s teeth in.

"Where ya from?" isn't restricted to South Central LA.  Best thing to do is head back over the bridge.  There, the worst thing you have to deal with is bankers.

Yours,
Doktor Alphapance.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

You want racists?  We got em!  That whole shit with the integrated busing didn't go away in the 60's.  It just moved to Southie and Eastie.  It has been said that even in this day and age, one can live their entire lives in Boston, considered at the very least a b-list metropolis, without ever "having" to know a non-white person.

I noticed that when I was up there.
In Lynn there was a little Vietnamese grocery across the street from the Stop & Shop. The cigarettes were at least a buck cheaper at the Vietnamese place, (plus they had some awesome teas and sauces) but I NEVER saw a white person in there, ever. In spite of their incessant bitching about the price of smokes. And this was Lynn.

[Doktor Howl]

Dear Herr Doktor:

You want racists?  We got em!  That whole shit with the integrated busing didn't go away in the 60's.  It just moved to Southie and Eastie.  It has been said that even in this day and age, one can live their entire lives in Boston, considered at the very least a b-list metropolis, without ever "having" to know a non-white person.

I mean, you can polish up the waterfront all you want, put in a nice place to eat, even move in a museum... but you're still gonna have some skinhead from D Block or FSU (that's the "Fuck Shit Up" crew, not "Florida State University") or Charlestown kicking the "wrong person"s teeth in.

"Where ya from?" isn't restricted to South Central LA.  Best thing to do is head back over the bridge.  There, the worst thing you have to deal with is bankers.

Yours,
Doktor Alphapance.

One of the great things about Tucson is that the very little racism we have here is quiet...The few raging bigots we have are pretty much marginalized.  Multiracial people are now approaching a very good chunk of the population...And I've noticed that people are HAPPIER here.  They do not indulge in low-strength hate, like racism or homophobia.  Ours is a purer hate.

[Phox]

Dear Herr Doktor:

You want racists?  We got em!  That whole shit with the integrated busing didn't go away in the 60's.  It just moved to Southie and Eastie.  It has been said that even in this day and age, one can live their entire lives in Boston, considered at the very least a b-list metropolis, without ever "having" to know a non-white person.

I mean, you can polish up the waterfront all you want, put in a nice place to eat, even move in a museum... but you're still gonna have some skinhead from D Block or FSU (that's the "Fuck Shit Up" crew, not "Florida State University") or Charlestown kicking the "wrong person"s teeth in.

"Where ya from?" isn't restricted to South Central LA.  Best thing to do is head back over the bridge.  There, the worst thing you have to deal with is bankers.

Yours,
Doktor Alphapance.

One of the great things about Tucson is that the very little racism we have here is quiet...The few raging bigots we have are pretty much marginalized.  Multiracial people are now approaching a very good chunk of the population...And I've noticed that people are HAPPIER here.  They do not indulge in low-strength hate, like racism or homophobia.  Ours is a purer hate.

Is why the blue collar racists in Pennsylvania aren't a full-blown mutation of their own. Merely an extension of the Appalachia fuckaroos. The semi-passive racism you see in the "enlightened" areas is something more of a simple social phenomena, as i believe Cainad was getting at. However, the blatant aggressive racism still exists in various places, no question, and I believe Doktor Alphapance is in a better position to expound upon these people than you or I, surely.