Give me ambiguity or give me something else!

[Doktor Howl]

I'm starting to think Patrick Henry had it ALL WRONG.  Instead of his jabbering, how about "Give me an Ipod or give me death!", or even, "Give me unlimited minutes or KILL ME."  Who the fuck wants liberty, anyway?  Not Americans.  No, that gets messy, and we'd all rather have a Big Mac and decent wifi reception.

Stupid founders.  They didn't know how good they had it...The boss lived 2000 miles away, on the other side of the ocean, so they could pretty much do anything they liked AND still call on the redcoats if the Indians got too frisky.  So they had to pay extra for tea?  Shit, who drinks that swill anyway?  Coffee and bourbon are all you need, and there wasn't a tax on either one.

And as far as representation goes, HOW'S THAT BEEN WORKING OUT FOR YOU, AMERICA?  Yeah, the voice of the people babbled a bit, and you got the government you deserve.  AGAIN.  There seems to be some kind of LEARNING DISABILITY inherent in North America.

And who the fuck says that America won the revolution after all?  No, that last minute, pull it out your arse "victory" at Yorktown is about as believable as the Warren Commission.  They left ON PURPOSE, and NOT just to stick us with 400 years of collected religious nuts they'd unloaded on us.  It's an experiment, see...It's been running for 220 years AT LEAST, and that's not even counting the Roanoke business.

So fuck all that shit.  Take your "representative government" (HAW HAW) and shove up your 4th point of contact.  Give me instead SOME MORE SHIT.  I need more gizmos.  I MUST HAVE the latest smartphone, so when the NSA listens in on my calls, at least I'll be stylin'.  I must have an entire video arcade shoved in my cell phone holder, or MY CIVIL RIGHTS HAVE BEEN VIOLATED.

Give me all that shit, or give me PILLS.  Little yellow bastards, that take the edge off of my day (and off of any right angles I see), and make me fucking HOLY™ like in the good old days, when we drank shitty beer, smoked ditchweed, raced cars, and tried to get laid with Susy Rottencrotch under the bleachers on Saturday night.

Because, you fuckers, that's all the "AMERICA" you need, the only proof of which is that you haven't been using THE REST OF IT, ANYFUCKINGWAY!

So just shut up, all of you.

Okay for now,
Dok

[Nephew Twiddleton]

The gadgets are necessary, Dok.

How else are you going to get MORE? How else will you show off to everyone how much money you're spending in a shitty economy. Must mean you're rich or something right? Who needs a phone that's just a phone? I can't wait until they get a model out that attaches to the USB port in the back of my skull and does all the thinking for me while I aimlessly go from game to game, all in my head. It will seem like I'm actually in the game. What mind I if they start downloading the contents of my memory? It will make for better advertising. The Machine will always know exactly what I need, even if its a new phone with a couple of new features. The one I have now isn't broken, no. It's just no longer good enough. Somehow, it just doesn't do what it's supposed to anymore.

[Doktor Howl]

The one I have now isn't broken, no. It's just no longer good enough.

That should replace E Pluribus Unum on our money.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

The one I have now isn't broken, no. It's just no longer good enough.

That should replace E Pluribus Unum on our money.

It's true though, no? I used to get funny looks because my phone was obsolete. I didn't know anything about blackberries or anything like that. My phone made phone calls and sent text messages. Now my new one also does the internet in a sort of cruddy way but if I wanted to do something in depth on the internet, that's what my laptop is for. And I only got the new one because I switched carriers, and got the cheapest one there.

It's not only a way to kill our freedom by enslaving us to consumerism, it's also a means to kill our free time. Any spare moment you have the gadget calls to you. You have to have it constantly and fully charged just in case you get an important work email when you're having dinner with the missus. She understands, she's in the same boat. What's the tip for this? I can't do simple math in my head. I'll ask the phone.

We're in a culture where we need the latest new gadget because it's cool and entertaining and makes us eternally available to do work that we don't get paid for since its off the clock.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

  This is some Holy Troof, right here.

[Doktor Howl]

This is some Holy Troof, right here.

I posted it as part II over at CG.   

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

This is some Holy Troof, right here.

I posted it as part II over at CG.   

Fuck yeah. 

[Freeky]

This is some Holy Troof, right here.

I posted it as part II over at CG.   

Any bites?

[Doktor Howl]

This is some Holy Troof, right here.

I posted it as part II over at CG.   

Any bites?

Nothing to speak of.

Supertroy busted me out.   

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

My old phone had a memory card so I could store a fuckload of pics in my phone and or download music from my computer and listen through a shitty speaker the size of a gnat's ass or a single earphone.

My new phone is better. Sure, there's no memory card, so I can't store a megaton of pictures on my phone anymore but I can sign up for Muve Music^TM on my service and GET TODAYS HOT ARTISTS LIKE NICKELBACK AND TAYLOR SWIFT and rent cloud drive space to store them on.

AMERICA: KEEPS GETTING BETTER AND BETTER, DAMMIT.

[Doktor Howl]

My old phone had a memory card so I could store a fuckload of pics in my phone and or download music from my computer and listen through a shitty speaker the size of a gnat's ass or a single earphone.

My new phone is better. Sure, there's no memory card, so I can't store a megaton of pictures on my phone anymore but I can sign up for Muve Music^TM on my service and GET TODAYS HOT ARTISTS LIKE NICKELBACK AND TAYLOR SWIFT and rent cloud drive space to store them on.

AMERICA: KEEPS GETTING BETTER AND BETTER, DAMMIT.

So all those amendments we traded off?

SUCH A DEAL!

[Salty]

Ho! Ho yeah!

There's no way to correct this kind of behavior. Here's the really bad part.
The US has listed ATT's network as a part of the US infrastructure, making any damage inflicted to ANY equipment pertaining to that network a federal offense.

Couple that with an mobile internet "culture" where checking in every 5 god damned seconds is a social activity. Never do mind about the NSA (whom?), never do mind about market data (bwuh?).

And minutes? No, nobody cares about that at all. Because people don't talk to each other. A phone call is a very intimate form of communication compared with, say, status updates. You hear breath and tone and you can practically taste the glands on the other end. People want OH FUCK HERE IT COMES:
UNLIMITED DATA
HALF OF THEM DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT "DATA" MEANS IN THAT CONTEXT. THE OTHER HALF WANT IT.

Well, what do you do on the internet? What are your regular activities?

I DON'T CARE, I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT, I DON'T HAVE TIME TO MONITOR MY USAGE AND YOU KNOW I DON'T LIKE YOUR FACE WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO AND KILL YOURSELF.

Hey did you know about the NSA and warrant-less wiretapping? Did you know you're getting charged double for a service it costs us absolutely zero dollars to provide?

WTF ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHY IS MY BILL SO HIGH? BRING BACK UNLIMITED? WHAT ARE THESE FEES? 911? PFSH!!!

Ok, calm down why are you

THIS IS AMERICA AND YOU SHOULDN'T BE ALLOWED TO ROB PEOPLE LIKE THIS IT'S WRONG!

Are familiar with the Bank of Ameri-

STFU! LOWER MY BILL!

Every single day of my life forEVAR.

[Doktor Howl]

You are a True American Hero, Alty.

[Salty]

*juts chin*
SOMEBODY MUST DO SOMETHING!

Alty,
The Hero nobody wants ever, even if they think they do.

[Phox]

Very good stuff, Dok and Twid.