Attn: You People

[Doktor Howl]

Just shut up.  SHUT UP. 

SHUT UP.

You're making it really hard for those of us who have nice things.  You're making it harder for us to sleep.  You're ruining TV for us.  You spoiled the tea party, just when things were getting good.  You trashed Perry and Santorum and Palin, and you keep jumping in the way of our stock options.

You keep screaming about us sending your jobs to unfurnished countries, and THEN you bitch when we try to remove the furnishings HERE, so we can give you your a job back.  Just how the hell are we supposed to keep our stockholders happy, if we have to keep indulging your entitlement complex with things like "a living wage"?

So shut up.  Go vote for Red or Blue, and remember what a difference it makes.  Go to WalMart, and get your 5 gallon bucket of lard.  Turn on the TV and watch Cribs.  Or American Idol.  Or maybe some sadistic "funniest home videos", where you can watch parents engineer horrible accidents for their kids, etc, in the hopes of getting on the TV and maybe even the GRAND PRIZE.

But shut up while you do it.

And shut up while they grab Juan off the street for "dressing like an illegal".  This shit is for your OWN GOOD.  Juan was taking your job, anyway.  Well, the jobs that we didn't send to Chinacorp.  So SHUT UP and PICK CABBAGES, you Goddamn ingrates.

And when it's time to go visit Grannie, SHUT UP while they "pat down" your toddler, and feel your spouse up.  SHUT UP and get into the backscatter device.  Shut up in the terminal, or we'll make you shut up indefinitely.

Why is this such a hard concept to grab?  Just SHUT UP.  ALL OF YOU.  This is AMERICA™, and we don't need any hairy-headed freaks scaring Quality People with your "demonstrations" and your "occupations", and really, just SHUT THE FUCK UP and put your money back into Bank of America and Wells Fargo.  There aren't enough lifeboats for everyone, so SHUT UP and go back to steerage while we get the PEOPLE THAT COUNT into the lifeboats.

Just shut up.  All of you.

Okay for SHUT THE FUCK UP,
Dok

[Freeky]

This makes me feel terrible because it's fucking true.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Total. Fucking. Truth.

[P3nT4gR4m]

If LMNO recorded himself screaming this into a megaphone it would be cool as fuck. Is cool as fuck anyway, but I read it in the LMNO-megaphone voice and I'm pretty damn sure that made it even cooler.

[Doktor Howl]

If LMNO recorded himself screaming this into a megaphone it would be cool as fuck. Is cool as fuck anyway, but I read it in the LMNO-megaphone voice and I'm pretty damn sure that made it even cooler.

LMNO could scream the contents of a phone book through a megaphone and it would sound cool as fuck.

The Frost Heaves have been my official driving to work music for weeks now.  And I'm reasonably sure he wasn't even using a megaphone, or even singing.

[Freeky]

If LMNO recorded himself screaming this into a megaphone it would be cool as fuck. Is cool as fuck anyway, but I read it in the LMNO-megaphone voice and I'm pretty damn sure that made it even cooler.

LMNO could scream the contents of a phone book through a megaphone and it would sound cool as fuck.

The Frost Heaves have been my official driving to work music for weeks now.  And I'm reasonably sure he wasn't even using a megaphone, or even singing.

Just his awesomeosity manifesting in audio form.  Yes.

[Phox]

I'm Doktor Phox, and I approve of this message. 

Paid for by the National Commission for the Advancement of Moveable Type.

[Richter]

We would like to remind you that this is the time to take off your pants.  Unalienable rights are unalienable, of course, but we never promised how they'd be delivered.  Peace, privacy, choice, and dignity were never part of the apckage really.

You assumed they were?  Well, that's cute.  Read the fine print better next time. 
Not much space for fine print on that old hemp paper, eh?  Well, we better "interpret" it.  EXPAND on the will of the founders as it fits in this situation.  They never said we couldn't.  It works with anything really, just look at all the philosophical gymnastics that get done over something as straightforward as "Thou shalt not kill".  Haha, and you WONDER how Islam or Christendom got so convoluted!

Got them pants off yet?  Good, here's your new chinese cotton "Freedom smock".  Line up at the counter for you "Vitamins" now...

[Triple Zero]

This is wonderful!

[Doktor Howl]

We would like to remind you that this is the time to take off your pants.  Unalienable rights are unalienable, of course, but we never promised how they'd be delivered.  Peace, privacy, choice, and dignity were never part of the apckage really.

You assumed they were?  Well, that's cute.  Read the fine print better next time. 
Not much space for fine print on that old hemp paper, eh?  Well, we better "interpret" it.  EXPAND on the will of the founders as it fits in this situation.  They never said we couldn't.  It works with anything really, just look at all the philosophical gymnastics that get done over something as straightforward as "Thou shalt not kill".  Haha, and you WONDER how Islam or Christendom got so convoluted!

Got them pants off yet?  Good, here's your new chinese cotton "Freedom smock".  Line up at the counter for you "Vitamins" now...

Why yes, sir, and I can't tell you how happy I am about this chance to prove my loyalty.  You can fire a few more rads through me with that machine, if that will help show that I am a loyal citizen of the state.

Have I mentioned that I'm happy to be a delta?