Sending people off

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

I was thinking about an old friend who drowned years ago, and how at his funeral he got the standard "Don't be sad, rejoice, he died in Christ" send off. The thing was, he was a total athiest. Everybody knew this.

And it occurred to me that out of all the funerals I've been to, there have been exactly TWO where they even bothered to talk to the family and get some insights about the person who died, so they could say something about that. One was for a Black lady, the other was for a Jewish guy.

ALL the others have been the generic "Rejoice, he died in Christ. 23rd Psalm."

Fuck that noise.

[Luna]

For the record, I here formally request that if anybody says that line at my own funeral, one of you spags slaps him across the mouth with his dick.  (Or, borrow one, if you are not equipped with your own.)

Thank you.

[The Dark Monk]

I was thinking about an old friend who drowned years ago, and how at his funeral he got the standard "Don't be sad, rejoice, he died in Christ" send off. The thing was, he was a total athiest. Everybody knew this.

And it occurred to me that out of all the funerals I've been to, there have been exactly TWO where they even bothered to talk to the family and get some insights about the person who died, so they could say something about that. One was for a Black lady, the other was for a Jewish guy.

ALL the others have been the generic "Rejoice, he died in Christ. 23rd Psalm."

Fuck that noise.

I agree but conditionally. If it was someone who truly was a friend who was religious and set it up via their pastor, I wouldn't mind. Someone who does not have family or anything like that it seems to be the standard too. The thoughts behind it are caring and since I am dead it doesn't matter to me, I could be thrown in a body pile and it wouldn't make a difference to me. Funerals are really for the people mourning and not you.

On the other hand, depending on my mood before I died, I would want a funeral exactly the way I wanted it as if I was alive and attending and drinking with my friends It's one of those things I honestly think about often and have constantly changing opinion, simply because half the time I am okay with death and the other half I would like more time, on top of the OTHER half where I would like to know when so I could do something amazing.

All in all, to wrap it up, as long as it was done by caring people I don't care. I just don't want some asshole I don't know talking about how I was a great person and walked with Christ, when all he does is repeat lines for strangers because that's his job.

[Forsooth]

ive seen this sort of thing happen a few times, usually when the deceased died in an unexpected/sudden manner. The family is usually too grief-stricken to do any in-depth setup for the funeral; they just want it over and done with (which may be counter-productive for their grieving process)

or they simply didn't believe the deceased was actually an atheist, just a "Lamb astray from the path" as christians would put it.

(Never having been required to do a funeral for an actual friend, which may cause bias) I'd probably ask the family what kind of funeral they would have for the deceased friend before it occurs, and call out any bullshit over the phone.'


Question: why do people try to hold the funeral as soon as possible after a death these days? Important people get to Lie in State for weeks, is there something preventing the average funeral home from delaying the decomposition for a few more days? Is it just the immediate family's haste?

[The Dark Monk]

Question: why do people try to hold the funeral as soon as possible after a death these days? Important people get to Lie in State for weeks, is there something preventing the average funeral home from delaying the decomposition for a few more days? Is it just the immediate family's haste?

I had about 5 funerals in one year about 2 years ago, two were open casket and both were drug overdoses.
The first one the body was cleaned and the funeral happened within two days and was a 40 year old relative. He looked almost alive and sleeping.

The second was my 13 year old cousin, in which the body was held for about two weeks. The poor child had degraded over that time and he looked as if he had rotten chicken pox covered with Revlon, and speaking to the funeral home itself they had said the quicker they set them up for open caskets the better they tend to look.

So for open caskets time seems to truly be a factor so the body looks less grotesque, at least from what I've seen.
For closed caskets, I don't imagine a time frame would matter since the embalming fluid and refrigeration would keep them from smelling for a while yet.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

My mother's family doesn't do funerals, and that's how I tend to lean. There is death, cremation, a wake, and that's it. My father's side does the whole memorial service thing, and then every member of family gets up and says something. I'm sure the pastor speaks as well, it's just irrelevant. When my brother died, with a dozen or so attending siblings getting up and saying their piece and everyone bawling, it got long. That part was good, I think. Afterward, the three or four of us who could deal with it went to the funeral home and paraded through the room where he lay in state, and frankly, I will never do that again if I can help it. It's a vile and barbaric custom.

[Payne]

I wouldn't want to die in Christ.

I want to die with Christ in me. Hopefully clawing out of me like a chest burster. Or possibly axing his way out of me like Jack Nicholson.

[Suu]

For the record, I here formally request that if anybody says that line at my own funeral, one of you spags slaps him across the mouth with his dick.  (Or, borrow one, if you are not equipped with your own.)

Thank you.

Noted.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I wouldn't want to die in Christ.

I want to die with Christ in me. Hopefully clawing out of me like a chest burster. Or possibly axing his way out of me like Jack Nicholson.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

ive seen this sort of thing happen a few times, usually when the deceased died in an unexpected/sudden manner. The family is usually too grief-stricken to do any in-depth setup for the funeral; they just want it over and done with (which may be counter-productive for their grieving process)

or they simply didn't believe the deceased was actually an atheist, just a "Lamb astray from the path" as christians would put it.

(Never having been required to do a funeral for an actual friend, which may cause bias) I'd probably ask the family what kind of funeral they would have for the deceased friend before it occurs, and call out any bullshit over the phone.'


Question: why do people try to hold the funeral as soon as possible after a death these days? Important people get to Lie in State for weeks, is there something preventing the average funeral home from delaying the decomposition for a few more days? Is it just the immediate family's haste?

I'm not sure "wanting it over and done with" is anything to do with it.

At the Jewish guy's funeral I saw the the Rabbi talking to the family just prior to the services, putting together a little speech on what he was like. The same thing happened at the Black lady's funeral, it was only then that I found out she'd been the first Black person to attend the local college (she was elderly). She just never did anything that could be interpreted as bragging. It was kind of like Nigel said, some of the family members came up and talked about her. Her son sang a song she used to like. At the time (ESPECIALLY remembering the athiest guy's funeral) I thought it was a wonderful thing, now that Nigel mentions "barbaric" I'm rethinking that...one of the speakers was about ten and could barely get words out. Both of these funerals were religious-themed, but the deceased were believers.

The atheist guy's situation was a clusterfuck. They couldn't locate his mom for over week, she'd moved back to her home town and she was on vacation someplace, on top of that. I remember trying to find out where the funeral was and only being told that he was in a morgue in Houston. Me and another lady were phoning morgues trying to locate him. I went to the local JP and told him the situation and he said "The county already spent enough money on that god damn Mexican". (He'd been a kind of Robin Hood type, breaking into stores and giving people stuff. He got caught and did time twice.) I told the other lady and she told me to talk to one of the county judges, who agreed to have the county pick up the tab, but later that same day, his mom called back. He had a standard Catholic funeral with kneeling, dying in Christ, and the 23rd psalm. Afterward, we all went to somebody's house out in the country and just got trashed. We didn't call it a wake, but that's what it was.

But I can see his mom not wanting to deal with it. The vacation story always bothered me, he has a lot of siblings who probably would have known how to get in touch with her.

Just doing a wake does sound like the way to go.

For the record, I here formally request that if anybody says that line at my own funeral, one of you spags slaps him across the mouth with his dick.  (Or, borrow one, if you are not equipped with your own.)

Thank you.

Noted.

Word.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

I wouldn't want to die in Christ.

I want to die with Christ in me. Hopefully clawing out of me like a chest burster. Or possibly axing his way out of me like Jack Nicholson.

Now THAT would be a funeral. 

[Payne]

I wouldn't want to die in Christ.

I want to die with Christ in me. Hopefully clawing out of me like a chest burster. Or possibly axing his way out of me like Jack Nicholson.

Now THAT would be a funeral. 

My actual funeral requests do insist that everyone be drunk throughout the cheapest possible proceedings and then make their way to the bar.

Combine this with a mass-turbation, and I may well have to be at least sort of famous before I die to make the most out of it all in terms of leaving a legacy.

TO THE CELEB-MOBILE!

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

ive seen this sort of thing happen a few times, usually when the deceased died in an unexpected/sudden manner. The family is usually too grief-stricken to do any in-depth setup for the funeral; they just want it over and done with (which may be counter-productive for their grieving process)

or they simply didn't believe the deceased was actually an atheist, just a "Lamb astray from the path" as christians would put it.

(Never having been required to do a funeral for an actual friend, which may cause bias) I'd probably ask the family what kind of funeral they would have for the deceased friend before it occurs, and call out any bullshit over the phone.'


Question: why do people try to hold the funeral as soon as possible after a death these days? Important people get to Lie in State for weeks, is there something preventing the average funeral home from delaying the decomposition for a few more days? Is it just the immediate family's haste?

I'm not sure "wanting it over and done with" is anything to do with it.

At the Jewish guy's funeral I saw the the Rabbi talking to the family just prior to the services, putting together a little speech on what he was like. The same thing happened at the Black lady's funeral, it was only then that I found out she'd been the first Black person to attend the local college (she was elderly). She just never did anything that could be interpreted as bragging. It was kind of like Nigel said, some of the family members came up and talked about her. Her son sang a song she used to like. At the time (ESPECIALLY remembering the athiest guy's funeral) I thought it was a wonderful thing, now that Nigel mentions "barbaric" I'm rethinking that...one of the speakers was about ten and could barely get words out. Both of these funerals were religious-themed, but the deceased were believers.

The atheist guy's situation was a clusterfuck. They couldn't locate his mom for over week, she'd moved back to her home town and she was on vacation someplace, on top of that. I remember trying to find out where the funeral was and only being told that he was in a morgue in Houston. Me and another lady were phoning morgues trying to locate him. I went to the local JP and told him the situation and he said "The county already spent enough money on that god damn Mexican". (He'd been a kind of Robin Hood type, breaking into stores and giving people stuff. He got caught and did time twice.) I told the other lady and she told me to talk to one of the county judges, who agreed to have the county pick up the tab, but later that same day, his mom called back. He had a standard Catholic funeral with kneeling, dying in Christ, and the 23rd psalm. Afterward, we all went to somebody's house out in the country and just got trashed. We didn't call it a wake, but that's what it was.

But I can see his mom not wanting to deal with it. The vacation story always bothered me, he has a lot of siblings who probably would have known how to get in touch with her.

Just doing a wake does sound like the way to go.

For the record, I here formally request that if anybody says that line at my own funeral, one of you spags slaps him across the mouth with his dick.  (Or, borrow one, if you are not equipped with your own.)

Thank you.

Noted.

Word.

The part that I found barbaric was where we went to view the corpse... the memorial service, and everyone talking about him and crying, I think was good and cathartic.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

Yeah, I guess it comes down to whether it was the kid's own decision to get up there and try to talk. I think it probably was.

Having the body there for viewing is probably ok. Sometimes people need to see it for it to be real to them.
Having a formal segment where everybody's expected to file past the body just reminds me of those news clips of the funerals of public figures. Entirely too ritualized for a friends-and-family situation and totally creepy.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Whoever is in charge of the funeral asks if someone wants to speak so presumably the ten year old agreed to it. Whether they did so out of obligation is another thing entirely.

As for myself i want the standard wake funeral and burial. I used to want cremation until i considered the environmental implications. Funeral service is to be nonchristian but some sort of watered down spiritual thing. Getting hammered is obligatory and some whiskey is to be spilled on my grave. Extra points if the wake is arranged such that people think its a party at a bar and theres a half consumed drink in front of my slumped over body with cool kid written on my forehead. Poor bastard who realizes im dead gets one on the house.