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My Advice For Noobs Young and Old.

Started by Salty, July 23, 2012, 08:22:39 PM

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Salty

July 23, 2012, 08:22:39 PM
Recently I opined that Discordianism makes you a better person.

I just want to clarify this does NOT mean this religion will make you better than other people. In some instances, yes.

Payne, for example, is a much better Messiah than you could get with any other religion. His Holy(TM) last longer and at a greater frequency than the leading competitor (which I believe is Tom Cruise).

And you can bet money you won't find better a Dark Empresses than Nigel. Have you even shopped around? I have, let me assure you she offers top of the line terrifying religious frenzy. Accept no substitute.

Let's no pretend anyone has anything on our The Good Dead Reverend Roger. Did you know most preachers buy books of pre-written sermons? Canned sermons? Jesus.

Anyhow. These clear examples of superiority aside, Discordianism doesn't make you better than anyone else save for one. After experiencing the power of Eris you will be better than YOU were before. Here is a small list of ways Eris can help improve your horrible, culturally mutilated self"

-You will smell better.
-You will stop using faux ebonics.
-You will gain powerful insights into the lives of perverts you didn't know existed.
-You will be able to retain your fluids for longer, then release them in small, high-powered burst.
-You may experience moments where you actually think for yourself.
-You will learn to laugh at the misfortune of others, but most especially yourself.
-You will take up useless hobbies that enrich your brain meat.
-You will speak fearlessly to morons, making their teeth gnash and their eyes weep tears of blood.
-You will enjoy oranges more thoroughly.
And much, much more.

MORE THAN YOU DID BEFORE.


So don't hesitate, kids. Go down to your local pharmacy and get a good dose of Eris shoved into your tear-ducts and weep like a little baby on a roller coaster. More better than previously.

AMEN.
The world is a car and you're the crash test dummy.

LMNO

#1
July 23, 2012, 08:26:01 PM
I needz mo' Eris.  I still be usin' faux ebonics, yo.

The Good Reverend Roger

#2
July 23, 2012, 08:28:54 PM
Quote from: Alty on July 23, 2012, 08:22:39 PM
Let's no pretend anyone has anything on our The Good Dead Reverend Roger. Did you know most preachers buy books of pre-written sermons? Canned sermons? Jesus.

This sort of shit is exactly why - if you MUST be a Christian - you should get all your sermons via AM radio out of backwoods Missouri.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

#3
July 24, 2012, 01:21:23 AM
I don't WANT to smell BETTER. I WANT TO SMELL WORSE

WORSE THAN ANYTHING THAT HAS EVER COME BEFORE

SO BAD THAT NOTHING WILL EVER COME AGAIN, WITHOUT MY EXPRESS PERMISSION.

:crankey:

ALTY, ON THE OTHER HAND, SMELLS SWEET AS A PIECE OF HONEYCOMB AND IS TWICE AS STICKY. DON'T ASK HIM HOW HE DOES THAT. DON'T.

I WARNED YOU.

"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."

The Good Reverend Roger

#4
July 24, 2012, 01:22:32 AM
Quote from: PROFOUNDLY RETARDED CHARLIE MANSON on July 24, 2012, 01:21:23 AM
I don't WANT to smell BETTER. I WANT TO SMELL WORSE

WORSE THAN ANYTHING THAT HAS EVER COME BEFORE

SO BAD THAT NOTHING WILL EVER COME AGAIN, WITHOUT MY EXPRESS PERMISSION.

:crankey:

ALTY, ON THE OTHER HAND, SMELLS SWEET AS A PIECE OF HONEYCOMB AND IS TWICE AS STICKY. DON'T ASK HIM HOW HE DOES THAT. DON'T.

I WARNED YOU.

Fact:  Alty was attacked by killer bees while he was in Tucson.

But they didn't sting him.  Oh, no.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

#5
July 24, 2012, 01:24:25 AM
Quote from: The Dead Reverend Roger on July 24, 2012, 01:22:32 AM
Quote from: PROFOUNDLY RETARDED CHARLIE MANSON on July 24, 2012, 01:21:23 AM
I don't WANT to smell BETTER. I WANT TO SMELL WORSE

WORSE THAN ANYTHING THAT HAS EVER COME BEFORE

SO BAD THAT NOTHING WILL EVER COME AGAIN, WITHOUT MY EXPRESS PERMISSION.

:crankey:

ALTY, ON THE OTHER HAND, SMELLS SWEET AS A PIECE OF HONEYCOMB AND IS TWICE AS STICKY. DON'T ASK HIM HOW HE DOES THAT. DON'T.

I WARNED YOU.

Fact:  Alty was attacked by killer bees while he was in Tucson.

But they didn't sting him.  Oh, no.

The worst part was a week later when all the eggs hatched.

And he just walked around, smiling. He LIKED it.
"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."

The Good Reverend Roger

#6
July 24, 2012, 01:25:26 AM
Quote from: PROFOUNDLY RETARDED CHARLIE MANSON on July 24, 2012, 01:24:25 AM
Quote from: The Dead Reverend Roger on July 24, 2012, 01:22:32 AM
Quote from: PROFOUNDLY RETARDED CHARLIE MANSON on July 24, 2012, 01:21:23 AM
I don't WANT to smell BETTER. I WANT TO SMELL WORSE

WORSE THAN ANYTHING THAT HAS EVER COME BEFORE

SO BAD THAT NOTHING WILL EVER COME AGAIN, WITHOUT MY EXPRESS PERMISSION.

:crankey:

ALTY, ON THE OTHER HAND, SMELLS SWEET AS A PIECE OF HONEYCOMB AND IS TWICE AS STICKY. DON'T ASK HIM HOW HE DOES THAT. DON'T.

I WARNED YOU.

Fact:  Alty was attacked by killer bees while he was in Tucson.

But they didn't sting him.  Oh, no.

The worst part was a week later when all the eggs hatched.

And he just walked around, smiling. He LIKED it.

Compared to home, it was probably a relief.  I mean, compared to polar bear eggs hatching down there.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Freeky

#7
July 24, 2012, 01:27:28 AM
Um...

The Good Reverend Roger

#8
July 24, 2012, 01:28:44 AM
Or penguins.

Ouch.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Freeky

#9
July 24, 2012, 01:36:10 AM
 :lol:

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

#10
July 24, 2012, 02:37:52 AM
Quote from: The Dead Reverend Roger on July 24, 2012, 01:25:26 AM
Quote from: PROFOUNDLY RETARDED CHARLIE MANSON on July 24, 2012, 01:24:25 AM
Quote from: The Dead Reverend Roger on July 24, 2012, 01:22:32 AM
Quote from: PROFOUNDLY RETARDED CHARLIE MANSON on July 24, 2012, 01:21:23 AM
I don't WANT to smell BETTER. I WANT TO SMELL WORSE

WORSE THAN ANYTHING THAT HAS EVER COME BEFORE

SO BAD THAT NOTHING WILL EVER COME AGAIN, WITHOUT MY EXPRESS PERMISSION.

:crankey:

ALTY, ON THE OTHER HAND, SMELLS SWEET AS A PIECE OF HONEYCOMB AND IS TWICE AS STICKY. DON'T ASK HIM HOW HE DOES THAT. DON'T.

I WARNED YOU.

Fact:  Alty was attacked by killer bees while he was in Tucson.

But they didn't sting him.  Oh, no.

The worst part was a week later when all the eggs hatched.

And he just walked around, smiling. He LIKED it.

Compared to home, it was probably a relief.  I mean, compared to polar bear eggs hatching down there.

Oh god, especially when you consider how heavy it is to be swarmed by a hive of polar bears!
"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."

Anna Mae Bollocks

#11
July 24, 2012, 06:24:37 AM
If bee puke is honey, what is polar bear puke?
Scantily-Clad Inspector of Gigantic and Unnecessary Cashews, Texas Division

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

#12
July 24, 2012, 07:01:04 AM
Quote from: TEXAS FAIRIES FOR ALL YOU SPAGS on July 24, 2012, 06:24:37 AM
If bee puke is honey, what is polar bear puke?

Lutefisk.
"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."

Vaud

#13
July 24, 2012, 07:10:57 AM
Mittens to the op.  Refreshing.
"Gee. He was just here a minute ago." -GC

EK WAFFLR

#14
July 24, 2012, 03:13:59 PM
"At first I lifted weights.  But then I asked myself, 'why not people?'  Now everyone runs for the fjord when they see me."


Horribly Oscillating Assbasket of Deliciousness
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