Why you are all on my shit list, 2012

[Salty]

I take offense. I am as peaceful as a lamb. Staunch pacifist, I am.

[Freeky]

USE THE TOASTER!

Or the oven. Legit, man.

Careful, I just sharpened those.

Also, I am still giggling over jenne's reaction to you stepping into the kitchen looking yo make something to eat. Luckily, you opted for sammiches, otherwise the damage might have been permanent.

THAT WAS UNWARRANTED ESCALATION!

Roger in the kitchen does not call for a kidney punch.

Just Roger reaching for the stove?

Look, this is why they invented "warning shots". 

I mean, come on...What are the odds I'd do it THREE times?

Well, you do have an unfortunate streak of bad luck. Standing next to the thing might be dangerous in itself.

[Luna]

USE THE TOASTER!

Or the oven. Legit, man.

Careful, I just sharpened those.

Also, I am still giggling over jenne's reaction to you stepping into the kitchen looking yo make something to eat. Luckily, you opted for sammiches, otherwise the damage might have been permanent.

THAT WAS UNWARRANTED ESCALATION!

Roger in the kitchen does not call for a kidney punch.

Just Roger reaching for the stove?

Look, this is why they invented "warning shots". 

I mean, come on...What are the odds I'd do it THREE times?

Unsupervised, and without the threat of severe punishment should it happen again?  About the same odds of you doing it twice.   

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I take offense. I am as peaceful as a lamb. Staunch pacifist, I am.

You're an angry little bastard, you are.  You're like one of those Rottweiler dogs that eats babies.  You aren't BAD, you're just what you are.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

USE THE TOASTER!

Or the oven. Legit, man.

Careful, I just sharpened those.

Also, I am still giggling over jenne's reaction to you stepping into the kitchen looking yo make something to eat. Luckily, you opted for sammiches, otherwise the damage might have been permanent.

THAT WAS UNWARRANTED ESCALATION!

Roger in the kitchen does not call for a kidney punch.

Just Roger reaching for the stove?

Look, this is why they invented "warning shots". 

I mean, come on...What are the odds I'd do it THREE times?

Unsupervised, and without the threat of severe punishment should it happen again?  About the same odds of you doing it twice.   

Balls.  I just need time to learn.

So, less than a pint, then.

[Luna]

USE THE TOASTER!

Or the oven. Legit, man.

Careful, I just sharpened those.

Also, I am still giggling over jenne's reaction to you stepping into the kitchen looking yo make something to eat. Luckily, you opted for sammiches, otherwise the damage might have been permanent.

THAT WAS UNWARRANTED ESCALATION!

Roger in the kitchen does not call for a kidney punch.

Just Roger reaching for the stove?

Look, this is why they invented "warning shots". 

I mean, come on...What are the odds I'd do it THREE times?

Unsupervised, and without the threat of severe punishment should it happen again?  About the same odds of you doing it twice.   

Balls.  I just need time to learn.

So, less than a pint, then.

Yes.  Less than a pint.

Here's a hint.  If you want to make grilled cheese (and I suggest you have one or two capable cooks on standby to supervise this), instead of putting oil in the pan, butter the bread on the sandwich.  On the OUTSIDE, not the inside.  That's plenty.  Toss the sandwich on a hot frying pan, and STAND OVER THE FUCKER.  Watch it every second, they're treacherous little bastards who just WANT to burst unto flame if left unsupervised.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

USE THE TOASTER!

Or the oven. Legit, man.

Careful, I just sharpened those.

Also, I am still giggling over jenne's reaction to you stepping into the kitchen looking yo make something to eat. Luckily, you opted for sammiches, otherwise the damage might have been permanent.

THAT WAS UNWARRANTED ESCALATION!

Roger in the kitchen does not call for a kidney punch.

Just Roger reaching for the stove?

Look, this is why they invented "warning shots". 

I mean, come on...What are the odds I'd do it THREE times?

Unsupervised, and without the threat of severe punishment should it happen again?  About the same odds of you doing it twice.   

Balls.  I just need time to learn.

So, less than a pint, then.

Yes.  Less than a pint.

Here's a hint.  If you want to make grilled cheese (and I suggest you have one or two capable cooks on standby to supervise this), instead of putting oil in the pan, butter the bread on the sandwich.  On the OUTSIDE, not the inside.  That's plenty.  Toss the sandwich on a hot frying pan, and STAND OVER THE FUCKER.  Watch it every second, they're treacherous little bastards who just WANT to burst unto flame if left unsupervised.

Tell me about it.  I just wanted some lunch and BAM!  I pissed off some Aztec fire god or something.  They should put a warning on the cheese package or something...DANGER!  MAY EXPLODE IF HEATED. 

This is one of those "lack of communication" things they tell us about in Hazmat training, is what it is.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

USE THE TOASTER!

Or the oven. Legit, man.

Careful, I just sharpened those.

Also, I am still giggling over jenne's reaction to you stepping into the kitchen looking yo make something to eat. Luckily, you opted for sammiches, otherwise the damage might have been permanent.

THAT WAS UNWARRANTED ESCALATION!

Roger in the kitchen does not call for a kidney punch.

Just Roger reaching for the stove?

Look, this is why they invented "warning shots". 

I mean, come on...What are the odds I'd do it THREE times?

Unsupervised, and without the threat of severe punishment should it happen again?  About the same odds of you doing it twice.   

Balls.  I just need time to learn.

So, less than a pint, then.

Yes.  Less than a pint.

Here's a hint.  If you want to make grilled cheese (and I suggest you have one or two capable cooks on standby to supervise this), instead of putting oil in the pan, butter the bread on the sandwich.  On the OUTSIDE, not the inside.  That's plenty.  Toss the sandwich on a hot frying pan, and STAND OVER THE FUCKER.  Watch it every second, they're treacherous little bastards who just WANT to burst unto flame if left unsupervised.

Cast iron pan, not those thin scorchy things. Fire set kind of medium low, let the pan get hot. Then what Luna said.

And a bigass box of baking soda, in case something fucks up. 

[The Good Reverend Roger]

USE THE TOASTER!

Or the oven. Legit, man.

Careful, I just sharpened those.

Also, I am still giggling over jenne's reaction to you stepping into the kitchen looking yo make something to eat. Luckily, you opted for sammiches, otherwise the damage might have been permanent.

THAT WAS UNWARRANTED ESCALATION!

Roger in the kitchen does not call for a kidney punch.

Just Roger reaching for the stove?

Look, this is why they invented "warning shots". 

I mean, come on...What are the odds I'd do it THREE times?

Unsupervised, and without the threat of severe punishment should it happen again?  About the same odds of you doing it twice.   

Balls.  I just need time to learn.

So, less than a pint, then.

Yes.  Less than a pint.

Here's a hint.  If you want to make grilled cheese (and I suggest you have one or two capable cooks on standby to supervise this), instead of putting oil in the pan, butter the bread on the sandwich.  On the OUTSIDE, not the inside.  That's plenty.  Toss the sandwich on a hot frying pan, and STAND OVER THE FUCKER.  Watch it every second, they're treacherous little bastards who just WANT to burst unto flame if left unsupervised.

Cast iron pan, not those thin scorchy things. Fire set kind of medium low, let the pan get hot. Then what Luna said.

And a bigass box of baking soda, in case something fucks up. 

I know how to put the fire OUT.  It's just keeping the fucking things from STARTING.

It's like spontaneous combustion.  TOTALLY INEXPLICABLE.  Like that Nostradumbass dude.

Stayed tuned for more mysteries on The History Channel.

[Freeky]

Thin coat of butter = yes. There's a can of spray oil next to the stove, you use that, not the bottle of oil. Just get the pan damp. Very thinly on. Heat on 6 so the bread doesn't burn and the oil doesn't scald.

Don't tell Jenne I told you that though.shedoesnt want you getting any funny ideas.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Thin coat of butter = yes. There's a can of spray oil next to the stove, you use that, not the bottle of oil. Just get the pan damp. Very thinly on. Heat on 6 so the bread doesn't burn and the oil doesn't scald.

Don't tell Jenne I told you that though.shedoesnt want you getting any funny ideas.

Look, none of this shit will help.  The stove HATES ME. 

THIS SHIT DOESN'T HAPPEN TO OTHER PEOPLE.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

You can put something like a teaspoon of any kind of oil into a pan and it'll spread out and cover the whole pan when it gets hot.
Shouldn't make a very big fire, either.

If that fails: Make toast. Put cheese on toast. Melt the cheese in the microwave. 

[Freeky]

Thin coat of butter = yes. There's a can of spray oil next to the stove, you use that, not the bottle of oil. Just get the pan damp. Very thinly on. Heat on 6 so the bread doesn't burn and the oil doesn't scald.

Don't tell Jenne I told you that though.shedoesnt want you getting any funny ideas.

Look, none of this shit will help.  The stove HATES ME. 

THIS SHIT DOESN'T HAPPEN TO OTHER PEOPLE.

It could be worse. You might be eartha.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

You can put something like a teaspoon of any kind of oil into a pan and it'll spread out and cover the whole pan when it gets hot.
Shouldn't make a very big fire, either.

If that fails: Make toast. Put cheese on toast. Melt the cheese in the microwave. 

NOT THE POINT I JUST WANT THE UNIVERSE TO TREAT ME LIKE IT TREATS EVERYONE ELSE.



Um, except for how it treats people in Africa.  Because that would SUCK.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Thin coat of butter = yes. There's a can of spray oil next to the stove, you use that, not the bottle of oil. Just get the pan damp. Very thinly on. Heat on 6 so the bread doesn't burn and the oil doesn't scald.

Don't tell Jenne I told you that though.shedoesnt want you getting any funny ideas.

Look, none of this shit will help.  The stove HATES ME. 

THIS SHIT DOESN'T HAPPEN TO OTHER PEOPLE.

It could be worse. You might be eartha.

I don't drink enough.