Author Topic: Can we talk about me now? (Open bar thread #3,494)  (Read 98107 times)

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Re: Can we talk about me now? (Open bar thread #3,494)
« Reply #945 on: October 24, 2012, 04:37:22 am »
So this looks to be the thread to go to whe you're trying to be a human who isn't a flippant asshole.

Which is probably why I've never posted here, but I'm out of options for people to talk/vent to and if I don't get this out somewhere, I don't think I'll be able to function.  And I need to be able to function over the next several days. So a semi-anonymous forum is going to have to do for now.

When I got home from work tonight, my wife announced to me that she's checking herself into Rehab.  For the last 9 months or so, she's been heavily abusing OxyContin.  She's taken money from our joint funds, from our son, and even run up a fairly large bill with her dealer.

And I had no clue.  Completely oblivious.  I knew money was tight, but money has always been tight.  I knew she's been distant, but she's never been an affectionate person or particularly open, neither have I, so I didn't notice any difference.

I don't stand in judgement over her, I have my own issues and I've had my troubles hammered home enough times and in painful enough ways that in my mind the only real sin we're capable of as human beings is pride and not acknowledging the truth that is starting us in the face.  Our lives take us to strange places and the best we can do is deal with them.  So she's attempting to deal with them.  I accept that.

But that doesn't still my anxiety.  That doesn't make up for not seeing my own truth.

This is a good thing, mind, but it's a painful truth not a comfortable lie.  But how the fuck do I deal with it?  How do I maintain the facade to our son for the next couple of weeks?  Like most married men, all of my friends are either our friends (and therefore not someone I feel like I can reveal such an intimate secret without her OK) or drinking buddies, with whom I'd never share something so intimate and painful with.  How do I take care of myself and the boy without her?  I'm the shitty parent who works long hours at a job that's hours away so he can bankroll everything, not a caretaker.

It's a bit odd, but right this second I feel like I'm more at peace with her actions than I am with mine over the next however long.  Not really looking for anything.  Wanted to send out what's in my head out into the world.  So I can see it and maybe know how I feel.
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Re: Can we talk about me now? (Open bar thread #3,494)
« Reply #946 on: October 24, 2012, 04:51:15 am »
I think perhaps you have never seriously been in a place where you were desperate to be dead, Aucoq.

I've never seriously been in a place where I was desperate to murder other people, no.
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Re: Can we talk about me now? (Open bar thread #3,494)
« Reply #947 on: October 24, 2012, 04:57:20 am »
So this looks to be the thread to go to whe you're trying to be a human who isn't a flippant asshole.

Which is probably why I've never posted here, but I'm out of options for people to talk/vent to and if I don't get this out somewhere, I don't think I'll be able to function.  And I need to be able to function over the next several days. So a semi-anonymous forum is going to have to do for now.

When I got home from work tonight, my wife announced to me that she's checking herself into Rehab.  For the last 9 months or so, she's been heavily abusing OxyContin.  She's taken money from our joint funds, from our son, and even run up a fairly large bill with her dealer.

And I had no clue.  Completely oblivious.  I knew money was tight, but money has always been tight.  I knew she's been distant, but she's never been an affectionate person or particularly open, neither have I, so I didn't notice any difference.

I don't stand in judgement over her, I have my own issues and I've had my troubles hammered home enough times and in painful enough ways that in my mind the only real sin we're capable of as human beings is pride and not acknowledging the truth that is starting us in the face.  Our lives take us to strange places and the best we can do is deal with them.  So she's attempting to deal with them.  I accept that.

But that doesn't still my anxiety.  That doesn't make up for not seeing my own truth.

This is a good thing, mind, but it's a painful truth not a comfortable lie.  But how the fuck do I deal with it?  How do I maintain the facade to our son for the next couple of weeks?  Like most married men, all of my friends are either our friends (and therefore not someone I feel like I can reveal such an intimate secret without her OK) or drinking buddies, with whom I'd never share something so intimate and painful with.  How do I take care of myself and the boy without her?  I'm the shitty parent who works long hours at a job that's hours away so he can bankroll everything, not a caretaker.

It's a bit odd, but right this second I feel like I'm more at peace with her actions than I am with mine over the next however long.  Not really looking for anything.  Wanted to send out what's in my head out into the world.  So I can see it and maybe know how I feel.

Man, I'm sorry to hear that, IJ.  My heart goes out to you, bro.  :sad:
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Re: Can we talk about me now? (Open bar thread #3,494)
« Reply #948 on: October 24, 2012, 05:11:18 am »
Damn, IJ. Thoughts are with you and your wife. <3
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Re: Can we talk about me now? (Open bar thread #3,494)
« Reply #949 on: October 24, 2012, 05:21:22 am »
Thank you guys.  I'm coming to a certain peace with it, I'm just going to deal with it the same way I deal with everything else.  Just take the next step. 

That's an intellectual acceptance though, not really one I can accept at an emotional level. Right this second, at least.
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Re: Can we talk about me now? (Open bar thread #3,494)
« Reply #950 on: October 24, 2012, 06:13:49 am »
When I got home from work tonight, my wife announced to me that she's checking herself into Rehab.  For the last 9 months or so, she's been heavily abusing OxyContin.  She's taken money from our joint funds, from our son, and even run up a fairly large bill with her dealer.

And I had no clue.  Completely oblivious.  I knew money was tight, but money has always been tight.  I knew she's been distant, but she's never been an affectionate person or particularly open, neither have I, so I didn't notice any difference.

That's a very tough situation to be in.

It is not quite clear whether you wanted some opinion/advice. I am offering this without the least bit of judgment, and feel free not to read it if you don't need it.

I don't know how old your son is. But I think along with the two you mentioned, maintaining facades towards people who matter is another type of sin. Regardless of his age, your son, on some level, already knows full well that there is something seriously wrong with his mum. Kids have that kind of truth radio with their primary caregivers. This makes him suffer. (I think these are facts.) Not knowing how or why that is, how long it may be expected to go on, what kind of effect it may be expected to have on his life... these things are potential for catastrophic uncertainty. So, rather than having a facade maintained , I think he needs to be put in the picture - in an age-appropriate manner, of course.

I hope this doesn't offend.
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Re: Can we talk about me now? (Open bar thread #3,494)
« Reply #951 on: October 24, 2012, 06:24:57 am »
I think perhaps you have never seriously been in a place where you were desperate to be dead, Aucoq.

I've never seriously been in a place where I was desperate to murder other people, no.

My point was if you think all of them are doing it in order to take someone down with them, you aren't grasping the mechanics, so to speak, of what kind of bad wiring forces people to ignore their survival instincts.

From what I have observed, and I'm not in any way a professional head doctor,  there's a lot of confusion and desperation and acting on impulses that would normally be ignored or avoided.


What I'm getting at is I don't think the majority of those people are thinking!"I'll take one last bastard with me when I go! Take that, random driverer! Muhaha!" As they are just completely failing at resisting some pretty powerful directions from a very confused head.

I'm not explaining this well. :/
If someone does the “Fine, you’re right, I’m clearly a terrible person, I’m Satan, I’m the worst person alive, I should just die” thing in response to criticism of their harmful behavior, they are trying to manipulate people and flip the situation around so that they look like a victim.

As a neuroscientist I have to disagree with the perception that anyone is doing mathematical modeling of cognitive intelligence, yet; intelligence as an economist defines it, yes, but economists are worlds away from actual cognition.


Although it is outside the purview of this organization to offer personal advice, we can say -- without assuming any liability -- that previous experience indicates (and recent market studies corroborate) that given the present condition of the marketplace, continuing with your present course of action is likely to result in substantial in

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Re: Can we talk about me now? (Open bar thread #3,494)
« Reply #952 on: October 24, 2012, 06:27:05 am »
Thank you guys.  I'm coming to a certain peace with it, I'm just going to deal with it the same way I deal with everything else.  Just take the next step. 

That's an intellectual acceptance though, not really one I can accept at an emotional level. Right this second, at least.

Good luck, man. Feel better over there.
If someone does the “Fine, you’re right, I’m clearly a terrible person, I’m Satan, I’m the worst person alive, I should just die” thing in response to criticism of their harmful behavior, they are trying to manipulate people and flip the situation around so that they look like a victim.

As a neuroscientist I have to disagree with the perception that anyone is doing mathematical modeling of cognitive intelligence, yet; intelligence as an economist defines it, yes, but economists are worlds away from actual cognition.


Although it is outside the purview of this organization to offer personal advice, we can say -- without assuming any liability -- that previous experience indicates (and recent market studies corroborate) that given the present condition of the marketplace, continuing with your present course of action is likely to result in substantial in

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Re: Can we talk about me now? (Open bar thread #3,494)
« Reply #953 on: October 24, 2012, 06:27:48 am »
No offense taken, Hollist.  He's 14.  She told him she's checking herself into a hospital for depression.

I agree with you up to a point.  It does hurt him to an extent to preserve the lie, but that's not my call to make here.  It's not really my place to tell him who his mother is.  At least that's how I justify it.
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Re: Can we talk about me now? (Open bar thread #3,494)
« Reply #954 on: October 24, 2012, 07:22:51 am »
No offense taken, Hollist.  He's 14.  She told him she's checking herself into a hospital for depression.

I agree with you up to a point.  It does hurt him to an extent to preserve the lie, but that's not my call to make here.  It's not really my place to tell him who his mother is.  At least that's how I justify it.

That's fair enough, a good justification  :). And in fact depression may well be what it is? Often is with opiates. In the long-term, though, coming clean is the best strategy. I wish you an open heart and a level head.
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Re: Can we talk about me now? (Open bar thread #3,494)
« Reply #955 on: October 24, 2012, 08:15:01 am »
My point was if you think all of them are doing it in order to take someone down with them, you aren't grasping the mechanics, so to speak, of what kind of bad wiring forces people to ignore their survival instincts.

From what I have observed, and I'm not in any way a professional head doctor,  there's a lot of confusion and desperation and acting on impulses that would normally be ignored or avoided.


What I'm getting at is I don't think the majority of those people are thinking!"I'll take one last bastard with me when I go! Take that, random driverer! Muhaha!" As they are just completely failing at resisting some pretty powerful directions from a very confused head.

I'm not explaining this well. :/

Ah I see what you're saying.  (And don't worry, you explained it well!  :))  And you're right.  Each individual person is different.  One can only guess at what's going on inside the head of a person who commits suicide.  When I had my experience with the subject I always conscious about who my death might affect and how my death might affect them.  So it's weird for me to imagine someone not being conscious of the fact that they'll also be taking someone else's life when they commit suicide in such a way.  But then again I wasn't doing it on impulse, under the influence of alcohol/drugs or because of wrong wiring/chemicals in my brain (at least as far as I'm aware of).
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Re: Can we talk about me now? (Open bar thread #3,494)
« Reply #956 on: October 24, 2012, 11:16:55 am »
Damn, IJ, that sucks...

Glad she decided to pull her head out of wherever it's been and get herself some help.  That's something, anyway.

Do what you have to do, and I'd suggest that you consider family counseling, first with your wife, once she's back home, and later with the son, too, to make sure he's in a good headspace and isn't burying a fuckton of "my mom's fucked up, it must be me."  Sounds like there are some hefty communication issues to work on, along with the one's she's working on in Rehab.

Hang in there, and vent here, anytime.  It's a good place for it.
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Re: Can we talk about me now? (Open bar thread #3,494)
« Reply #957 on: October 24, 2012, 11:45:31 am »
Sorry to hear it ij. Were here for ya.
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Re: Can we talk about me now? (Open bar thread #3,494)
« Reply #958 on: October 24, 2012, 01:03:13 pm »
Heavy shit going down in the PD family these days.

It's a terrible situation to be in, when what you thought was a bedrock part of your world suddenly spins away, and you have literally no control over it.  Your whole worldview cracks a little bit, letting in howling wonds of doubt, guilt, and remorse.  A profound helplessness and sorrow pervades everything.  The weight and the wait is at times unbearable.

This is Chaos.


Or at least, that's how it seems.


There isn't much that can be done, at least not from a "I shape the world with my force of will" angle.  What can be done, is to be present, in focus, solid.  Start with the self and work outwards.  Be an example, hold tight to your self, stay true.  You can be the calm in the storm.  Now is the time for grace and compassion.  There's gonna be unpredictable weirdness ahead, you're just gonna have to roll with it.


Good luck.


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Re: Can we talk about me now? (Open bar thread #3,494)
« Reply #959 on: October 24, 2012, 02:45:52 pm »
she's checking herself into Rehab.

You didn't know, and she's dealing with it anyway.  She sounds like she has her shit together, on the level where it counts.  Everyone falls down once in a while...It's a huge Goddamn plus if a person can pick themselves up without prompting.

And as for you being "oblivious", well, you're a guy.  We are designed to be clueless, no matter how sharp we think we are.
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