Bill of Rights for the Real World

[tyrannosaurus vex]

The Founding Fathers get an E for effort, but I think they were aiming a little too high, and times have changed. I propose we amend the Constitution to toss out the rights we no longer care about and replace them with rights that are more compatible with Today's America™.

I. Freedom from any information that is uncomfortable or incompatible with our worldview.

II. The right to forget that we will die someday, and to impose our method of forgetting on anyone who looks like they might remind us.

III. The right to hate _________, and to spread and enforce that hate. Congress and the Media shall have the power to fill in the blank as necessary.

IV. The right to receive cheap entertainment through glowing boxes of whatever size we choose.

V. The right to eat right out of a hog trough if we want to, without some nosy asshole telling us it's unhealthy. Also, freedom to put cheese on everything.

VI. The right to clap and sing in unison, and to deride and discriminate against those who don't. All. Day. Every. Day.

VII. The right to imagine every gay man's asshole is our own asshole, and to protect it from penetration at all costs. When we aren't too busy enjoying imagining it.

[Aucoq]

VII. The right to imagine every gay man's asshole is our own asshole, and to protect it from penetration at all costs. When we aren't too busy enjoying imagining it.

[P3nT4gR4m]

How about a Bill of Rights - the honest version?

I) You have the right to ... no, actually you don't

Would save on paper for one thing

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I'd kind of like to add to this, V3x.  I have a thing simmering in my brain.

[tyrannosaurus vex]

Feel free!

[Elder Iptuous]

 
nice.

P3nt,  sounds similar to my preferred Bill of Natural Rights: you have the right to struggle.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

You have the right to be SAFE, so:

You have the right to be strip-searched at the airport, bus stations, etc.

You have the right to walk though the pervert machine.

You have the right to laugh at Occupy people being maced and beaten.

You have the right to share your private phone conversations, emails, etc, with the government.

You have the right to be shot in the back of a squad car.

You have the right to be pulled over for having brown skin.

You have the right to be imprisoned without charges.

You have the right to be waterboarded.

You have the right to SIT DOWN and SHUT UP.

[LMNO]

You have the right to UNLIMITED DATA.

[tyrannosaurus vex]

You have the right to be SAFE, so:

You have the right to be strip-searched at the airport, bus stations, etc.

You have the right to walk though the pervert machine.

You have the right to laugh at Occupy people being maced and beaten.

You have the right to share your private phone conversations, emails, etc, with the government.

You have the right to be shot in the back of a squad car.

You have the right to be pulled over for having brown skin.

You have the right to be imprisoned without charges.

You have the right to be waterboarded.

You have the right to SIT DOWN and SHUT UP.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

You have the right to UNLIMITED DATA.

The privilege of UNLIMITED DATA shall not be revoked unless the person in question is smudgy, unreasonably poor with no excuse, or of a questionable religion.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

 
That's MY American Dream!

[The Good Reverend Roger]

You have the right to inflict your religious views on schoolchildren and women.

You have the right to act like a Taliban morals enforcer, provided you have a Jesus bumper sticker.

You have the right to be protected from scientific ideas that threaten your world view.

You have the right to dilute your voice by turning into Alex Jones and/or voting 3rd party.

You have the right to yank food out of the mouths of poor school children.

You have the right to divert funding for public broadcasting into the hands of bankers who need it.

You have the right to lose your shit and go up a water tower with a high-powered rifle.

You have the right to take dangerous drugs with no good effects, but not safe drugs with no ill-effects.

You have the right to "opposition" parties that agree with each other when the subject of debate is YOU.

You have the right to CRAWL WITH PRIDE.

You have the right to filthy, dangerous streets.

You have the right to go to jail for 20 years for having a miscarriage¹

You have the right to shoot smudgy people if they are in your neighborhood.  That's why there's a gate.

You have the right to watch multiple murders on TV, but not a human breast.

You have the right to come unglued and go on a rampage.  Once.

You have the right to die at your workstation.

You have the right to holler whatever you like, but not on their networks.

You have the right to laugh at Honey Boo Boo.


¹  Actually happened in Georgia.  No shit.

[tyrannosaurus vex]

You have the right to be SAFE, so:

You have the right to be strip-searched at the airport, bus stations, etc.

You have the right to walk though the pervert machine.

You have the right to laugh at Occupy people being maced and beaten.

You have the right to share your private phone conversations, emails, etc, with the government.

You have the right to be shot in the back of a squad car.

You have the right to be pulled over for having brown skin.

You have the right to be imprisoned without charges.

You have the right to be waterboarded.

You have the right to SIT DOWN and SHUT UP.

Can I steal this for FB purposes?

[The Good Reverend Roger]

You have the right to be SAFE, so:

You have the right to be strip-searched at the airport, bus stations, etc.

You have the right to walk though the pervert machine.

You have the right to laugh at Occupy people being maced and beaten.

You have the right to share your private phone conversations, emails, etc, with the government.

You have the right to be shot in the back of a squad car.

You have the right to be pulled over for having brown skin.

You have the right to be imprisoned without charges.

You have the right to be waterboarded.

You have the right to SIT DOWN and SHUT UP.

Can I steal this for FB purposes?

Sure.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

You have the right to drink bourbon and act like an ass.  You have the right to SATURDAY NIGHT.  You have the right to rant your guts up.  You have the right to kick 'em IN THA NADS.  You have the right to irresponsible firearms use.  You have the right to drive like a maniac.  You have the right to DANCE.  You have the right to sing in the Goddamn shower.  You have the right to be an asshat.  You have the right to bray spittle and laughter in the face of those who deny these rights.