Election Night. Gimme My Fix.

[LMNO]

Breaking news!  The United States has elected a technocratic, out of touch multi-millonaire warmonger as President.  More news at 11.

That about sums it up.

[Cain]

Based on exit polls, US news organisations have called Vermont for President Barack Obama and Indiana and Kentucky for Republican Mitt Romney.

Exit polls showed Virginia, a critical swing state, locked in a dead heat.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

O FUCK O FUCK O FUCK
DO NOT WANT MAGIC UNDERWEAR THEOCRACY KILL KILL KILL...

[The Good Reverend Roger]

O FUCK O FUCK O FUCK
DO NOT WANT MAGIC UNDERWEAR THEOCRACY KILL KILL KILL...

Relax.  It's too late to do anything, and too early to call.

[Luna]

O FUCK O FUCK O FUCK
DO NOT WANT MAGIC UNDERWEAR THEOCRACY KILL KILL KILL...

Relax.  It's too late to do anything, and too early to call.

It's going to be a tight race... which makes me despair for humanity.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

JUST...STFU. OR GIVE ME A RIDE TO GODDAM EUROPE.

Yeah, I know it's bad, but not THIS goddamn bad.

[hunter s.durden]

Voting machines in Ohio are already blowing up.
Also, Fox says TEH BLACK PANTHERS ARE GUARDING POLLS IN PHILLY.
And, of course, AZ and TX have their cops out and about looking for UN election monitors to beat up.

HAHAHA, I just learned about the election monitor thing last night.
FUCK YEAH, WILD WEST MOTHERFUCKERS!
W

[hunter s.durden]

O FUCK O FUCK O FUCK
DO NOT WANT MAGIC UNDERWEAR THEOCRACY KILL KILL KILL...

Relax.  It's too late to do anything, and too early to call.

It's going to be a tight race... which makes me despair for humanity.

Randall Terry was on the ballot in my state.
In case you needed more despair for the collection.

[Cain]

O FUCK O FUCK O FUCK
DO NOT WANT MAGIC UNDERWEAR THEOCRACY KILL KILL KILL...

Relax.  It's too late to do anything, and too early to call.

It's going to be a tight race... which makes me despair for humanity.

No it's not.  The media say it's going to be a tight race because then it gets ratings up.  If everyone tuned in and Wolf Fucking Blitzer came out and said "it's a done deal: four more years for Obama", two things would happen:

1) Wingnuts would shriek about liberal media bias, the tyranny of maths etc and not watch CNN anymore, causing CNN to take a rating hit, and

2) everyone else would go "oh, OK" and not sit on the edge of their seat in anticipation.

There's also a third reason why vested interests would like you to believe the race is almost equal, but that's secret.  Oh, OK then, if Obama goes "ooh scary Mormon Underpants in the White House", it gets the dopes who flatter themselves by the name of "Democratic Party activists" all in a bother and to "get the vote out".

Then when Obama wins by a huge margin, they can turn around to everyone else and say "well, that's a mandate if I ever saw one.  Do you really want to go against the will of The People in giving the banks another trillion dollars?"  So they have no reason to deny the race is close whatsoever.

[Cain]

Exit polls showed Mr Romney won Alabama, Georgia, Indiana, Kentucky, Mississippi, Oklahoma, South Carolina, Tennessee and West Virginia.

Mr Obama has taken Connecticut, Illinois, Maryland, Massachusetts, New Jersey, Rhode Island, Vermont, and Washington DC.

So far, that translates to

Obama: 123 electoral collage votes

Romney:  153 electoral college votes.

[Elder Iptuous]

there wasn't any police presence at the polling place battling blue helmets.
i want my money back! 

also, it only took about 5 minutes to vote.

[Cain]

You should have turned up, then refused to vote until a Swedish observer was present.  If questioned, refer to "them" stealing your vote, then wink conspiratorally.

[Elder Iptuous]

well, damn. if i was quicker on my feet, i would have thought to do that!

[hunter s.durden]

HSD Election coverage:
Unlike Roger, coffee won't do the trick. I need serious chemicals with more than 10 letters to get my magics flowing, namely because I am serious about my war on coherence.
And so, early in the night, the delusions of reference have begun:
Randall Terry is now living in a place called Romney, West Virginia, and he received over 100 hundred votes here in what I must now call "The Mordor of Appalachia"

For those of you unfamiliar with Randall Terry, here's a video of him being turned gay by wizard and fellow politician Vermin Supreme:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sN9nxFLXrKU

[Cain]

PA, Wisconsin and New Hampshire just went for Obama.  Electoral vote count is now 143 to 153.