Rant 73: ConfNORdSIan (The Last Rant)

[Irreverend Hugh, KSC]

Rant 73
ConFnOrdSiAN

,ÄúIt,Äôs the Afghan national army that went into Najaf and did the work there.,Äù
-Idiot Boy Emperor Bush (during a joint press conference with Iraqi Prime Minister Ayad Allawi)

,ÄúΙΩ Ερις! Μητρος Θεων! Καλλιστι!,Äù [Io Eris! Metros Theon! Kallisti!]
-Tequilarius Malignatus

,ÄúSociety is everywhere in conspiracy against unconditional happiness. The Universe is everywhere in conspiracy to promote unconditional happiness. Everyone is everywhere in conspiracy to deny what,Äôs really happening. Whether you agree or not.,Äù
-The White Mouse (from the Drunken Sessions)

,ÄúBut mind, never at ease, creaks "I". This I persists not, posts not through generations, changes momentarily, finally is dead. Therefore is man only himself when lost to himself,Ķ,Äù
-Aleister Crowley (paraphrased; from The Book Of Lies)

,ÄúThe free market demands it. We could leave people alone, but it would be wrong.,Äù
-The Good Reverend Roger (from ,ÄòSermon #24 -the Penultimate Word,Äô)

,ÄúFor while the emperor has no clothes, he,Äôs got a big ass gun.,Äù

,ÄúThe trick is to be independent but not let THEM know about it.,Äù
-Blake Williams

"Those who wish to seek out the causes of miracles, and to understand the things of nature as philosophers, and not stare at them in astonishment like fools, are soon considered heretical and impious and proclaimed as such by those whom the mob adore as the interpreters of nature and the gods. For these men know that once ignorance is put aside, that wonderment would be taken away which is the only means by which their authority is preserved."
-Baruch Spinoza

"In the beginning doth the Magus speak Truth, and send forth Illusion and Falsehood to enslave the soul. Yet therein is the Mystery of Redemption."
-Aleister Crowley (Liber B vel Magi, sub Figura I, v. 1)

,ÄúWhen consciousness is gone, they throw it away to lie in the dirt; useless, meaningless."
-Siddhartha Gautama

,ÄúIn a labyrinth of metaphor and words, intuition is lost, therefore without  their effort must be learned the truth about one,Äôs self from him who alone knows the truth,Ķyourself.,Äù
-Austin Osman Spare

,ÄúThe wider the comprehension, the deeper and stronger is the illusion.,Äù
-Voivod

Imposing order and trying to hold or stave off chaos is like trying to hold in one,Äôs urine for too long. Eventually it needs to be let go of, at least for any sort of relief. And the longer one holds it in, the less of a chance one gets to choose when to let go of it, as it may just have to come out on its own. (Hey, don,Äôt blame me. I didn,Äôt do it. Nor would I ever encourage you to be dumb enough to actually try to hold in your urine if you have to go that badly. Really.) (Okay, I just might. But you didn,Äôt hear that here from me.)

The Gospel of Thomas, much maligned and denounced by Christians as ,Äòblasphemous heresy,Äô (and therefore is worthy of study and reflection (possibly by standing upside down and reading off a mirror) among Discordians) says ,ÄúIf you bring forth what is within you, what you bring forth will save you. If you do not bring forth what is within you, what you do not bring forth will destroy you.,Äù The Apple of Discord is simply the catalyst for this. Those of you who have yet to explore the joys of Discordianism should know before hand, or after hand, or in between your hands (which I hope you wash every now and then, you filthy heathens) that all the hidden magical and/or wisdom that you could ever possibly want is right out in the open, waiting for your perusal. (Unless, of course, you like spending your money to buy all those expensive books, seminars, and courses in order to gain someone else,Äôs (probably mentally flatulent) bottles of air.) We are here to help you do so.

You can complain about our discordance,Ķour celebration and spreading of the ancient art of golden apple rolling/tossing. You can whine all you want. It only encourages us to continue in our endeavors. (And did you ever not think that we may like doing so simply because it is entertaining and silly, and that silliness is the secret of the universe?) It may well be that power corrupts, but powerlessness corrupts even more by creating a vast majority of apathetic individuals used to being subordinates; used to being ruled. If you believe that envisioning a society in which people rule themselves, with no need for managers or representatives, is an impossible dream, then you have fallen victim to one of the greatest lies of all ages. You are therefore corrupted far worse than any of the ruling classes. Eris tells you that you are free, so why are you still enslaved? You can believe that such notions as ,Äòclass,Äô are outdated or outmoded, but the ruling classes are not under that illusion. And anyway, where is your evidence that the notion of ,Äòclass,Äô is outdated? You imagine yourselves beyond all that because you imagine yourselves to be free. Where is your evidence of even that? Exactly. You have none. And every moment that passes without you tossing apples of discord is simply a memorial to your own narcissistic appeasement. Simply put: Stop your whining, pony up to the bar and do something, or get the fuck out of the way. The Great Discordian Jihad will never rest. It will never let up. It refuses to accept artificial boundaries of friend and foe. It will nauseate the ones trapped in melodramatic self-importance. It will continually scratch away at that apathetic and worthless sense of self-importance. It will provoke laughter among the adepts of Eris who plunder and learn from all the great religions (and many of the smaller religions too) and magical orders in order to demonstrate, many times over and over again, that you are free if you decide to go about living as if you are free. The Apple keeps on rolling and it will not stop upon reaching the gates of your comfort because you consider your ,ÄòDiscordianism,Äô some sort of immunity from its effects. The Apple will roll right on in. And we are here to make sure that happens. If that makes you uncomfortable, too bad.

And if you think that your dedication to smashing the gates of your or someone else,Äôs comfort and apathy will give you immunity, think again. There is no immunity from the Apple. Eris will find you no matter where you try to hide or what you try to pretend to be doing. In fact, Eris will find you even if you are not pretending. Hell, Eris will find you even if you are just sitting in front of the TV drinking bourbon and smoking cigars. But Children of Chaos, why are you worried about this?

And why are you still trying to mend the holes in your socks? Have you no desire to be the chaoist monkey in a world of pigs? Never mind all that. We are here to cure you of those aberrant desires and thoughts. Hell, we are here to cure you of thought. We, as opposed to them, will step on your toes with a glint in our smiling eyes as the hammer drops around your life with us laughing all the way back to our hideouts singing Tom Jones and Johnny Cash. Why do we do such things? Because we do them. Perhaps you have now realized that your life up to this point is just another commercial advertisement? Perhaps you have realized that you need not to be saved, but to be invested in? Perhaps we can help you with all the conundrums of your existence? All your existential angst-tinged issues of pseudo-pop-psychology mated with new age paranormalist practices which resemble some sort of science? Perhaps? Why can,Äôt you put your finger on it? What exactly is the matter? Why isn,Äôt this just a little bit clearer or easier or cheaper or less ,Äòengaging,Äô?

We have our Discordian Jihad for those of you who want your wisdom pre-chewed and half-digested. It is for those of you who want to be told what to do. We hate being told what to do, especially by authority figures that have yet to find any meaning or any clues (they just simply pretend otherwise, and their con works all the time on many of you suckers). Not only do we hate it, but we bear a special hatred for those who like being told what to do. So we will tell those people what to do just for shits and giggles. (And perhaps to get them to learn not to believe everything they are told. A misplaced hope, we know, but it could be worth it. Unless, I am lying.) We want you to know that your entire purpose in life may be to serve as warnings for others. Rest insecure that we will make sure of that, unless we don,Äôt. But you still will not ever get to the bottom of your insanity unless you can learn to pull the wool over your own eyes and pick and choose your beliefs as randomly as you pick and choose take-away Chinese food. Thus is the secret of the universe and of every magical art revealed, but of course, you will not pay attention to this fact. (And if you did, you would not believe it nor understand it.) Perhaps your mind is too clouded with parentheses. Perhaps you need a cigarette? Perhaps Goddess hasn,Äôt yet smacked you upside the head with Her nice polished briar wood staff? Perhaps you are an even better liar than both I or the universe? Then again, you are insane.

We have an entire team of chaoist adepts to come banging at your door. Not because we await you to come and answer the call, but probably because we like bringing the noise in and of itself. If you respond and become gloriously enraptured in the wash of Our Lady, the all-chaotic, all mighty, and all laughs ever confusing Goddess of Confusion, Eris, so be it. Side effects of medications and rituals and experiments are the means by which you can grab the vortex by its balls or nipples (depending upon which ,Äòsex,Äô you blame reality for) (or both, if you,Äôre into that) and learn to make some hoots and hollers of your own. We are here to simply deliver a little oomph to your seeking, your searching, your stretching towards the infinite,Ķor even things that are a little bit more easily manageable. We are the reason why your appliances break down whilst ours are used for blowing all that snot from your pineal glands so you can have a direct line to Eris Herself.

We are the crazy hex tossing witches that your mother never even knew anything about to warn you away from, and now you have fallen in with us simply because we have noticed you. We warned you not to come to the attention of Eris. But it is too late. You need not believe in Eris. She knows you exist and here She comes to show you a grand old time in the playground of Her universe despite all of your whining and denial. We toss hexes long after our arms get tired, because we have the elixir and the energy of our Goddess. She makes and breaks without distinction. So laugh and come unto Her. And for a limited time only, we are offering wisdom in a dirty sock at a special price. Act now before you miss out and become a participant (unwittingly) in another of our endless series of jokes.

We are many other things as well, but you don,Äôt know the secret handshake yet. However, you may be able to bribe one of us to divulge it to you for a special price. (Just like any other so-called mystical order or coven or group.) We are here to let you know that you have been served a fair warning. Don,Äôt become a pile of bones for the squirrels to gnaw on. Don,Äôt become a cabbage for us to use in our curries. Don,Äôt simply remain a joke but make some jokes of your own. (There are always a few jokers in any deck, you know.) If you want the world to stop, we will spin it faster. If you want it to be sunny out, we will conjure thunderstorms. If you want your chaos in easily manageable doses, we will open your pineal glands wide and pour in the longwinded revelations of our Goddess until your mind,Äôs order is thoroughly destroyed and you can realize as you look about yourself that you live on planet SNAFU. Unless you are lying. Or you are simply an indoctrinated what-have-you pretending otherwise. (We know that the latter suggestion is offensive to some of you and that is precisely why we assert it.)

If you think we are lying or being hyperbolic or something else, then you may want to ask yourself just what the hell the universe is doing since She is a much better liar than any of us. If that scares you, ask yourself why. It is actually about as scary as watching the winter-fattened squirrels run amok through the trees. Unless little furry animals that make a lot of noise scare you. You may be beyond help at that point. But let it be known that the upchuck of the Goddess is coming soon to a pineal gland near you, if not your own. There is no hiding nor escape from the Discordian Jihad. And in any event, wouldn,Äôt it be more fun if you march with us across this road of bones that is ,Äòsociety,Äô than to be yourselves part of the road? We thought so. And we are here to help you with that problem.

We know what you want. We have various ways, methods, and tools to get it to you. We don,Äôt want your soul (whatever that is supposed to be). We only want to play with you. The universe is the Playground of Eris. So stop hogging all the pretty and shiny rides and let some of the other kids play, okay? Otherwise,ĶWell, never mind that. If you think the problem is bad now,Ķ

(Aftermath 34th, 3170)

,ÄúIn trying to develop the will, the most fatal pitfall is to confuse will with the chauvinism of the ego. Will is not willpower, virility, obstinacy, or hardness. Will is the unity of desire.,Äù
-Peter Carroll (Liber Null; Liber LUX)

Kallisti! Kratisti!

[Nikoli Volkoff]

RAH!

as roger would say...

[Irreverend Hugh, KSC]

Rah! is fucken right!


DISCORDIAN JIHAAD! (Proud purveyors of Eris' Bitchslap since 175 or so days ago!)

[Bella]

Has it been that long? Wow....time flies when you're having a JIHAD.


Um, Hugh? How do you know this is the last rant?

[Horab Fibslager]

/me stabs hugh.

RAWR!

[Irreverend Hugh, KSC]

Has it been that long? Wow....time flies when you're having a JIHAD.


Um, Hugh? How do you know this is the last rant?

At least for this volume, it's the last.

I dunno. I want to move onto writing parodies of liturgy now.

Since you're my co-episkopos, you can do the sermons/rants now, at least when I don't. Or something. (Must stop typing. Rum is taking over my braaaaaiiiinnnnn.) Whatkljo was uf I sdayuiajding?

[Bella]

I could always have done the rants/sermons, etc.
I just didn't want to.

But parodies of liturgies sounds cool.

[Irreverend Hugh, KSC]

I could always have done the rants/sermons, etc.
I just didn't want to.

But parodies of liturgies sounds cool.

ALLRIGHT!

Bella's gonna rant now!

Goody!

Hey. If you rant them, I promise to deliver them to the chicago agents personally.

[Bella]

I did not say I was going to rant.
Just said I didn't want to before, which is not the same as saying I want to rant now.

Although, I did rage at the phone company today.
Now that was fun!

[Irreverend Hugh, KSC]

I did not say I was going to rant.
Just said I didn't want to before, which is not the same as saying I want to rant now.

Although, I did rage at the phone company today.
Now that was fun!

Sounds like a sermon coming on. I can feel it.

[Nikoli Volkoff]

GO HUGH! its yer birthday...


Give us a sermon on the evils of the phone company... in particular Verizon...

[Slarti]

i STILL have no clue whats going on or what you're talking about, but it looks like a good rant.

[Irreverend Hugh, KSC]

i STILL have no clue whats going on or what you're talking about, but it looks like a good rant.

Sorry, we're all out of clues. We had to dispose of the stock because it was in such poor demand. We no longer sell the things. You'll have to find them at Walmart right next to the 'salvation' and 'romance' in aisle number 8.

We can sell you some rope and a shovel, in case you want to dig a hole.

[Mighty Cthulu of R'yleh]

I will Devour ALL YOUR HOLES!

[saint aini]

Eat Horab first...He deserves the peace of being eaten first.