What I have...

[Luna]

Wat's rong? Ill tel u. My f4gg0t parents dint buy me an Amzn Kindl & a Nu iPhon. It cased soo much anxeity & depresed me. I trid 2 comit suic1de. They dont luv me at allllllllllllllllllllllll. I bet I dont get nuthin kewl this year eiter. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!

That's good, except no whiny teen would bitch about not receiving an electronic device which would cause them to READ.  These bloody kids want Twilight read TO them, for which they should be fed, toes-first, to packs of rabid, starved weasels.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Wat's rong? Ill tel u. My f4gg0t parents dint buy me an Amzn Kindl & a Nu iPhon. It cased soo much anxeity & depresed me. I trid 2 comit suic1de. They dont luv me at allllllllllllllllllllllll. I bet I dont get nuthin kewl this year eiter. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!

That's good, except no whiny teen would bitch about not receiving an electronic device which would cause them to READ.  These bloody kids want Twilight read TO them, for which they should be fed, toes-first, to packs of rabid, starved weasels.

What?

[Dildo Argentino]

If you mean me personally, it's a long story and you wouldn't believe me anyway. Also, I think you've said you don't care to hear it.

That's the first correct thing you've said since you came to PD.  Congratulations.  Let's try to keep that up, shall we?

TL; DR

[Luna]

Wat's rong? Ill tel u. My f4gg0t parents dint buy me an Amzn Kindl & a Nu iPhon. It cased soo much anxeity & depresed me. I trid 2 comit suic1de. They dont luv me at allllllllllllllllllllllll. I bet I dont get nuthin kewl this year eiter. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!

That's good, except no whiny teen would bitch about not receiving an electronic device which would cause them to READ.  These bloody kids want Twilight read TO them, for which they should be fed, toes-first, to packs of rabid, starved weasels.

What?

Truth.  Overheard while shopping a few weeks ago.  Girl wanted Mommy to buy her the Twilight books on her iPod so she could listen to them instead of having to read them, because reading "takes too long."

[The Good Reverend Roger]

It occurs to me that people like Holist are the reason they invented Ritalin.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Wat's rong? Ill tel u. My f4gg0t parents dint buy me an Amzn Kindl & a Nu iPhon. It cased soo much anxeity & depresed me. I trid 2 comit suic1de. They dont luv me at allllllllllllllllllllllll. I bet I dont get nuthin kewl this year eiter. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!

That's good, except no whiny teen would bitch about not receiving an electronic device which would cause them to READ.  These bloody kids want Twilight read TO them, for which they should be fed, toes-first, to packs of rabid, starved weasels.

What?

Truth.  Overheard while shopping a few weeks ago.  Girl wanted Mommy to buy her the Twilight books on her iPod so she could listen to them instead of having to read them, because reading "takes too long."

Kick 'em back up into mommy and take mommy around to the clinic.

[LMNO]

SACK UP, ASSHOLES!  Vomiting acid is a GODDAMN SUPER POWER!

Fixed that.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

SACK UP, ASSHOLES!  Vomiting acid is a GODDAMN SUPER POWER!

Fixed that.

Shit yeah.

TGRR,
Can etch his initials on the sidewalk after eating a donut.

[Luna]

Wat's rong? Ill tel u. My f4gg0t parents dint buy me an Amzn Kindl & a Nu iPhon. It cased soo much anxeity & depresed me. I trid 2 comit suic1de. They dont luv me at allllllllllllllllllllllll. I bet I dont get nuthin kewl this year eiter. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!

That's good, except no whiny teen would bitch about not receiving an electronic device which would cause them to READ.  These bloody kids want Twilight read TO them, for which they should be fed, toes-first, to packs of rabid, starved weasels.

What?

Truth.  Overheard while shopping a few weeks ago.  Girl wanted Mommy to buy her the Twilight books on her iPod so she could listen to them instead of having to read them, because reading "takes too long."

Kick 'em back up into mommy and take mommy around to the clinic.

She bred and raised the little shit, it's HER problem.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Wat's rong? Ill tel u. My f4gg0t parents dint buy me an Amzn Kindl & a Nu iPhon. It cased soo much anxeity & depresed me. I trid 2 comit suic1de. They dont luv me at allllllllllllllllllllllll. I bet I dont get nuthin kewl this year eiter. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!

That's good, except no whiny teen would bitch about not receiving an electronic device which would cause them to READ.  These bloody kids want Twilight read TO them, for which they should be fed, toes-first, to packs of rabid, starved weasels.

What?

Truth.  Overheard while shopping a few weeks ago.  Girl wanted Mommy to buy her the Twilight books on her iPod so she could listen to them instead of having to read them, because reading "takes too long."

Kick 'em back up into mommy and take mommy around to the clinic.

She bred and raised the little shit, it's HER problem.

If you have to listen to shit like that at random, it's YOUR problem.

[Luna]

Wat's rong? Ill tel u. My f4gg0t parents dint buy me an Amzn Kindl & a Nu iPhon. It cased soo much anxeity & depresed me. I trid 2 comit suic1de. They dont luv me at allllllllllllllllllllllll. I bet I dont get nuthin kewl this year eiter. WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!

That's good, except no whiny teen would bitch about not receiving an electronic device which would cause them to READ.  These bloody kids want Twilight read TO them, for which they should be fed, toes-first, to packs of rabid, starved weasels.

What?

Truth.  Overheard while shopping a few weeks ago.  Girl wanted Mommy to buy her the Twilight books on her iPod so she could listen to them instead of having to read them, because reading "takes too long."

Kick 'em back up into mommy and take mommy around to the clinic.

She bred and raised the little shit, it's HER problem.

If you have to listen to shit like that at random, it's YOUR problem.

True, that. 

I used to LIKE kids, I swear.

[Dildo Argentino]

It occurs to me that people like Holist are the reason they invented Ritalin.

Methylphenidate was first synthesized in 1944, and was identified as a stimulant in 1954.
Methylphenidate was synthesized by Ciba (now Novartis) chemist Leandro Panizzon. His wife, Marguerite, had low blood pressure and would take the drug as a stimulant before playing tennis. He named the substance Ritaline, after his wife's nickname, Rita.

I don't even play tennis. Table-tennis, yes, but my blood pressure is plenty high enough for that.

It seems I'll eventually get the entire DSM IV thrown at me... what are you, a psychologist? 

[trippinprincezz13]

What's wrong!?!?!? What's wrong is that I'm sitting here at work like a jackass when I should be at home planning the most efficient routes between the stores with the biggest sales on Friday, triangulating where I can find the highest concentration of savings. I should be working on my cardio and learning store layouts so I can weave in and out of all those other assholes, scooping up every item on my list - I'll figure out who they're for later, just look at the savings!

What's wrong is that my boss won't advance my pay for the next several weeks and hasn't he ever heard of a Thanksgiving bonus? Doesn't he KNOW I have shopping to do in a few days? If I don't get that 60" 3D TV Friday, I'll have to pay an extra $10 when they go back to...pfft..normal prices. I don't have time for this *work* stuff now, it's the holidays! Geez. What's wrong?!?! I can only find FIVE stations playing Christmas music now. What a bunch of Debbie Downers everyone else is. What's wrong is  that they keep interrupting TBS's special showing of The Santa Clause 5 with commercials showing pictures of starving children in Africa and others asking me to donate to local homeless shelters. How depressing! I can't look at that stuff while I'm watching a movie celebrating the joys of presents.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go practice my "flu" voice. I simply don't have enough time to join my family for Thanksgiving dinner if I'm going to be the first person camped out at Best Buy on Friday.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

WHAT'S WRONG

MY SUPPERATING WOUND IS CLOSING UP, HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO SCARE CHILDREN IN LINE AT THE GROCERY STORE NOW?

[ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞]

WHAT'S WRONG

MY SUPPERATING WOUND IS CLOSING UP, HOW THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO SCARE CHILDREN IN LINE AT THE GROCERY STORE NOW?