I still maintain a land line.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I still maintain a land line, in this day & age, for two reasons.  The first reason is that it's cheaper to get cable TV, internet, and a cable phone than it is to get just the TV and internet (I'd rather just have the internet, but I was overruled.).  The second reason is that - even though I have an unpublished (as opposed to unlisted) number - my cable company is kind enough to sell my number to any number of advertising companies.

Having been alone in the house for a portion of the weekend, I have answered many calls on this phone.  Most have them have been robots, telling me how much I can save on whatever.  One or two, though, were actual telemarketers, which are a level of fun that makes me believe that God sent them to me for cheap laughs, to prevent me from becoming bored.

There are three basic strategies to having fun with telemarketers without making their lives more miserable than they are (except for the third approach, which is saved for assholes).  First is the crazy approach...When they call asking if you're interested in a resort stay for a weekend, tell them that you can't leave the house because the Grabby Girls will get you.  (Years ago, I received a call from "Michele", wanting me to switch long distance companies.  I told her that I was sorry, but I didn't have a phone.  You could hear the gears gring to a halt, and then she asked me how she was speaking to me.  I replied, "I DON'T KNOW!  I'M IN THE BATHROOM!  GET OUT OF MY HEAD!"

The second strategy is to try to tell them of the word of JR "Bob" Dobbs.  This usually doesn't end well.  "He has come to JUSTIFY your sins!"  *click*.  It's fun, but it doesn't usually last long.

If they're pushy or obnoxious, I tend to try to keep them on the phone as long as possible.  I interrupt to ask questions, then interrupt their answers with more questions, SLAY them with questions, etc.  It's an endurance contest...Who will hang up first?

I do these horrible things for a couple of reasons.  First, I am bored.  Second, I am full of human kindness, and I like to share it with others.  I like to share it with others until they become just as happy and friendly as I am.

[LMNO]

I like how you don't piss off the ones who are just trying to get through the day, but instead give them something to talk about at the next party they go to.  "Oh, my GOD... There was this one call I made last week--"

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I like how you don't piss off the ones who are just trying to get through the day, but instead give them something to talk about at the next party they go to.  "Oh, my GOD... There was this one call I made last week--"

That's the whole idea.  EVERYONE is a jerk to telemarketers, arguably one of the worst jobs in America.  I'd rather give them something weird to laugh about.

Unless they're hard-sell assholes.  Then I unload a bit.

[Mangrove]

I like how you don't piss off the ones who are just trying to get through the day, but instead give them something to talk about at the next party they go to.  "Oh, my GOD... There was this one call I made last week--"

That's the whole idea.  EVERYONE is a jerk to telemarketers, arguably one of the worst jobs in America.  I'd rather give them something weird to laugh about.

Unless they're hard-sell assholes.  Then I unload a bit.

I heartily support this!

There was a phase a few years ago when our phone was getting carpet bombed from India with calls about refinancing. I realized that these people were doing a crappy job, for crappy money and getting shit tons of abuse from people. You can have fun with them without being an asshole.

One day, we had our 3000th call from India about the mortgage. I replied "I'm sorry, but I don't speak English" to which they apologized (in English of course) and hung up.

For some reason, I had a particularly lazy Jehovah's Witness call. Ordinarily, they do the door to door thing, but I guess they wanted to try something new and edgy. So, I answered absolutely every question with only a yes or no answer and offered no other response. For added yuks, I did so in a silly voice so that I said "Yelz" rather than yes. (It's a stupid in-joke I have with Mrs Mang and the kids...sounds a bit like Mr Burns from the Simpsons.)

So the JW says "Do you have a few minutes to talk?"
Me: Yelz.
JW: Did you just say Yes?
Me: Yelz.
JW: Yes? You said yes? I thought you said yes.
Me: Yelz.

This went on for a good 5 mins and I got to hear her run through her script. I don't know how I managed to get through that without laughing because the longer it went on, the more absurd it was. "Do you ever wonder why there's evil in the world?" Yelz. Do you have any thoughts on it? No. etc

When it's hard-sell, I get entrenched in No and point out that I am only saying No simply because of their attitude. One pushy sales girl who wanted to sell me replacement windows actually laughed when she realized her Glengarry Glenross sales bubble got popped. "You mean to tell me that you are refusing our offer to build you a conservatory simply because I called you?" Yup, that's right sweetie, I would have considered your offer if only you hadn't phoned.

[AFK]

I don't get those calls anymore, luckily, though I did have some fun with the morons who called during election season to conduct surveys. 

[Sita]

I just let it go to the answering machine.

But then I also really hate talking on the phone.

[EK WAFFLR]

This type of fun with telemarketers is always good for a laugh or two.

My go-to response is this:

TM: HI this is *** from *** do you have a moment?
Me: Sure, I'm just in the tub removing my thigh hair with tweezers. Go on.
TM:... ok.
I then proceed to interrupt their speech with random EEEKS and OUCHES.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

This type of fun with telemarketers is always good for a laugh or two.

My go-to response is this:

TM: HI this is *** from *** do you have a moment?
Me: Sure, I'm just in the tub removing my thigh hair with tweezers. Go on.
TM:... ok.
I then proceed to interrupt their speech with random EEEKS and OUCHES.

That's right up there with "WHO SENT YOU?"

[Dildo Argentino]

Indian telemarketer guy: Am I speaking to Mr Foldvari?

Me (in UK, 40 miles from Central London): Yes.

ITG: I understand you recently had a car accident.

Me: No, I'm afraid that's not possible.

ITG: Are you sure? The computer here says...

Me: No, we don't use cars. We use horses. And mules.

ITG (completely unphased, happy to have cleared up a misunderstanding): Ah. I see. Must have been somebody who lived there before you, then. Bye.

[Pæs]

We get telemarketers with really specific target market. I like to experiment with target market mathematics.

TM: Is there a male over the age of 20 with an interest in large household appliances?
Me: We've got three males averaging 16 who are pretty keen on microwaves. How large are we talking? We've also got a 21 year old female who loves fridges, but as a woman is incapable of making financial decisions, so I can understand why she's excluded from your target market.
TM: Um... How? How old? How many? How?

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

These are awesome! 

I don't have a landline anymore, but some of the things I liked to do with telemarketers were:

A. The Hard-Of-Hearing Act. Talk really loud and say "Heh?" a lot. See how loud you can get them to talk and how many times you can get them to repeat themselves before they give up.
B. The Trauma Patient. Act totally normal, but as soon as they start telling you about the product whimper "nooonononnoooooononononoo" softly. When they pause and say "Excuse me?" act like nothing happened, but when they start talking again, resume whimpering.
C. The Perv. Interrupt and ask what they look like and what they're wearing. Start breathing heavily and moaning. Not recommended for males with female telemarketers, fucking EXCELLENT with every other combination.
D. The Reverse Sales Pitch. Pretend you called them, talk over them, try to talk them into making an appointment for an ABSOLUTELY FREE consultation on window replacement.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

I always reserved the bombardment of questions for bill collectors.

"She's not in, may I ask who's calling? Who do you represent? Can I get a last name? Well, I certainly can't give her a message if you won't say who you are..."

For everybody else, MUSIC ON HOLD

http://www.soundboard.com/sb/quality_sound_effects

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I always reserved the bombardment of questions for bill collectors.

"She's not in, may I ask who's calling? Who do you represent? Can I get a last name? Well, I certainly can't give her a message if you won't say who you are..."

For everybody else, MUSIC ON HOLD

For bill collectors, I found that the one surefire way to get them to stop fucking calling me about other people's debts was, rather than tell them the truth, which is that I didn't know the person or have any way of reaching them, instead to say "That son of a bitch owes me three hundred dollars! If you figure out how to get hold of them, I want to know!" and then make them promise to call me back if they found out.

[Signora Pæsior]

We get telemarketers with really specific target market. I like to experiment with target market mathematics.

TM: Is there a male over the age of 20 with an interest in large household appliances?
Me: We've got three males averaging 16 who are pretty keen on microwaves. How large are we talking? We've also got a 21 year old female who loves fridges, but as a woman is incapable of making financial decisions, so I can understand why she's excluded from your target market.
TM: Um... How? How old? How many? How?

In my last flat, we had a telemarketer who steadfastly refused to believe that there were no men living in the house.

"Can I please speak to the oldest male?"
"Sorry, there are no males here."
"Okay, when will the oldest male be home?"
"Never, there are no men."
"Okay, when would be a good time to call and speak to the oldest male?"
"NO MEN. ONLY WOMEN. NO MEN."

[Mangrove]

We get telemarketers with really specific target market. I like to experiment with target market mathematics.

TM: Is there a male over the age of 20 with an interest in large household appliances?
Me: We've got three males averaging 16 who are pretty keen on microwaves. How large are we talking? We've also got a 21 year old female who loves fridges, but as a woman is incapable of making financial decisions, so I can understand why she's excluded from your target market.
TM: Um... How? How old? How many? How?

In my last flat, we had a telemarketer who steadfastly refused to believe that there were no men living in the house.

"Can I please speak to the oldest male?"
"Sorry, there are no males here."
"Okay, when will the oldest male be home?"
"Never, there are no men."
"Okay, when would be a good time to call and speak to the oldest male?"
"NO MEN. ONLY WOMEN. NO MEN."

Arrgghh The Script! I must stick to the SCRIPT!! REALITY WILL NOT ENTER MY MIND!!!