Advice regarding bereavement

[Junkenstein]

Also, it could work out. Did for this lucky fuck:

http://www.salon.com/2012/10/09/man_finds_suit_he_believes_belonged_to_paul_newman/

[Bu🤠ns]

Nothing very constructive to add, but I'd second Squiddy. There's very few things as shitty as having a "bad" day and then getting something cut off or penalty charge. It's minor, but it amplifies big time and can make for some exceptional arguments.

I hear ya.  We had to completely rearrange our anniversary because of this and, not to sound whiny, but I ended up getting a god awful splinter in my thumb and had to cut it out with a razorblade.  And I ALMOST said "OH THIS TOO--FUUUUCK!" but the Steve McQueen in me told me that the field surgery was fucking awesome. 

Steve McQueen would have dug it out with a claw hammer.

Because he's the COOLEST MAN THAT EVER LIVED.

Fuckin A. 

Something else, Burns, give her TIME. When it's somebody close like that, it can take a couple of YEARS to get used to it. (Notice I didn't say get "over" it.) The culture here goes "OK, we'll give you a few days off (if it's IMMEDIATE FAMILY - friends, less immediate family and lovers don't count) and then everything needs to be BACK TO NORMAL^(TM). If it's not, you need to go talk to somebody and they do some kind of miracle and MAKE EVERYTHING NORMAL. STAT. Toot sweet, motherfucker, or you could LOSE YOUR JERB.

So she's not only grieving, she's probably going to be dealing with THAT stupid shit. Sometimes I wish we were like those old Native Americans, you could hack off your hair and maybe a pinkie finger or something and people would UNDERSTAND when they saw you, and LEAVE YOU THE FUCK ALONE FOR AWHILE.

The 'over it' / 'used to it' is a good distinction I haven't thought of before.  I think that an apt description of the right attitude.  The former seems to imply that it's some kind of phase where the later acknowledges the emotions and experiences behind it that actually make the process so damn hard.

Luckily, my wife has a great support system at work. She was told to stay away when she wanted back and not to worry about things...they're covered.  Had this been a year ago at her previous job....not so much.  We're really counting our blessings. 

Your comment about the Native Americans hints that there's a sort of natural empathy that our society seems to lack.  It's all "Business as Usual".  Every now and then certain people will pop up from the fog...that's nice when that happens.

put it back!! this thread was getting too serious!

Oops. 

Nono, i like a good mix.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

This... makes my point.

Argument closed.

Well, I had the two old guys backward.

Paul Newman is clearly cooler.

TGRR,
Stands corrected.

NO. YOU DON'T.

Beats the FUCK out of eating fifty eggs.

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

I think this thread is full of useful advice and I don't have much to add except I'm sorry for your loss and I think you're handling things just fine, so far.

[Bu🤠ns]

All is forgiven, Look into his eyes and BE HEALED

Crap.  Now I'm Gay again.

[Bu🤠ns]

I think this thread is full of useful advice and I don't have much to add except I'm sorry for your loss and I think you're handling things just fine, so far.

Awesome, thanks! 

[Junkenstein]

Your comment about the Native Americans hints that there's a sort of natural empathy that our society seems to lack.  It's all "Business as Usual". 

This is very true. I'm dealing with a number of sub-contractors and some of the conversations you overhear are just the definition of small talk.

This example, the guy's wife has cancer. Toss a coin chances kind. This was filthy assistants side of the conversation

"Hi you ok?"
"And the wife?"
"I'll be quick"
"Can you not re-schedule the appointment?"

At that point I removed the phone from him. I'd like to say shit like that is infrequent but I'd be lying.

I suspect more people could benefit from a timely slap and the cry of "Empathy!"

I'd pay someone to do this. Not a lot, but I'd pay.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

Nothing very constructive to add, but I'd second Squiddy. There's very few things as shitty as having a "bad" day and then getting something cut off or penalty charge. It's minor, but it amplifies big time and can make for some exceptional arguments.

I hear ya.  We had to completely rearrange our anniversary because of this and, not to sound whiny, but I ended up getting a god awful splinter in my thumb and had to cut it out with a razorblade.  And I ALMOST said "OH THIS TOO--FUUUUCK!" but the Steve McQueen in me told me that the field surgery was fucking awesome. 

Steve McQueen would have dug it out with a claw hammer.

Because he's the COOLEST MAN THAT EVER LIVED.

Fuckin A. 

Something else, Burns, give her TIME. When it's somebody close like that, it can take a couple of YEARS to get used to it. (Notice I didn't say get "over" it.) The culture here goes "OK, we'll give you a few days off (if it's IMMEDIATE FAMILY - friends, less immediate family and lovers don't count) and then everything needs to be BACK TO NORMAL^(TM). If it's not, you need to go talk to somebody and they do some kind of miracle and MAKE EVERYTHING NORMAL. STAT. Toot sweet, motherfucker, or you could LOSE YOUR JERB.

So she's not only grieving, she's probably going to be dealing with THAT stupid shit. Sometimes I wish we were like those old Native Americans, you could hack off your hair and maybe a pinkie finger or something and people would UNDERSTAND when they saw you, and LEAVE YOU THE FUCK ALONE FOR AWHILE.

The 'over it' / 'used to it' is a good distinction I haven't thought of before.  I think that an apt description of the right attitude.  The former seems to imply that it's some kind of phase where the later acknowledges the emotions and experiences behind it that actually make the process so damn hard.

Luckily, my wife has a great support system at work. She was told to stay away when she wanted back and not to worry about things...they're covered.  Had this been a year ago at her previous job....not so much.  We're really counting our blessings. 

Your comment about the Native Americans hints that there's a sort of natural empathy that our society seems to lack.  It's all "Business as Usual".  Every now and then certain people will pop up from the fog...that's nice when that happens.

put it back!! this thread was getting too serious!

Oops. 

Nono, i like a good mix.

Very cool that she works with people like that. 

I don't understand the "business as usual" thing either. Yeah, the corporations exist to make money and generally don't give a fuck, but you see it on the personal level too. It's like people are scared of other people who are going through painful shit and don't just snap out of everything instantly, like they think it's contagious or something.

Where's Nigel? She always makes some sense of incomprehensible behavior.

[Junkenstein]

This... makes my point.

Argument closed.

Well, I had the two old guys backward.

Paul Newman is clearly cooler.

TGRR,
Stands corrected.

NO. YOU DON'T.

Beats the FUCK out of eating fifty eggs.

I see your Bullitt and Raise
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0054997/?ref_=sr_1

With Jackie Gleeson. Argue and Bang, Zoom, Straight to the moon. He'll do it too.

[Sita]

Very cool that she works with people like that. 

I don't understand the "business as usual" thing either. Yeah, the corporations exist to make money and generally don't give a fuck, but you see it on the personal level too. It's like people are scared of other people who are going through painful shit and don't just snap out of everything instantly, like they think it's contagious or something.

Where's Nigel? She always makes some sense of incomprehensible behavior.

From what I understand, people don't like any reminder that things aren't all happiness and sunshine.
They especially don't like thinking about death.
They don't really care if you are still grieving, they just want to see a smile on your face so they can continue living in their bubble.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

This... makes my point.

Argument closed.

Well, I had the two old guys backward.

Paul Newman is clearly cooler.

TGRR,
Stands corrected.

NO. YOU DON'T.

Beats the FUCK out of eating fifty eggs.

I see your Bullitt and Raise
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0054997/?ref_=sr_1

With Jackie Gleeson. Argue and Bang, Zoom, Straight to the moon. He'll do it too.

Ah, riding on the coattails of The Great One.

Steve McQueen, with "support" like Ali McGraw and a minor character from Andy Griffith. And it's STILL a fucking classic:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0068638/?ref_=sr_1

[Bu🤠ns]

Your comment about the Native Americans hints that there's a sort of natural empathy that our society seems to lack.  It's all "Business as Usual". 

This is very true. I'm dealing with a number of sub-contractors and some of the conversations you overhear are just the definition of small talk.

This example, the guy's wife has cancer. Toss a coin chances kind. This was filthy assistants side of the conversation

"Hi you ok?"
"And the wife?"
"I'll be quick"
"Can you not re-schedule the appointment?"

At that point I removed the phone from him. I'd like to say shit like that is infrequent but I'd be lying.

I suspect more people could benefit from a timely slap and the cry of "Empathy!"

I'd pay someone to do this. Not a lot, but I'd pay.

Hah! Me too, actually.  That person can begin with some of my inlaws. 

[Bu🤠ns]

Nothing very constructive to add, but I'd second Squiddy. There's very few things as shitty as having a "bad" day and then getting something cut off or penalty charge. It's minor, but it amplifies big time and can make for some exceptional arguments.

I hear ya.  We had to completely rearrange our anniversary because of this and, not to sound whiny, but I ended up getting a god awful splinter in my thumb and had to cut it out with a razorblade.  And I ALMOST said "OH THIS TOO--FUUUUCK!" but the Steve McQueen in me told me that the field surgery was fucking awesome. 

Steve McQueen would have dug it out with a claw hammer.

Because he's the COOLEST MAN THAT EVER LIVED.

Fuckin A. 

Something else, Burns, give her TIME. When it's somebody close like that, it can take a couple of YEARS to get used to it. (Notice I didn't say get "over" it.) The culture here goes "OK, we'll give you a few days off (if it's IMMEDIATE FAMILY - friends, less immediate family and lovers don't count) and then everything needs to be BACK TO NORMAL^(TM). If it's not, you need to go talk to somebody and they do some kind of miracle and MAKE EVERYTHING NORMAL. STAT. Toot sweet, motherfucker, or you could LOSE YOUR JERB.

So she's not only grieving, she's probably going to be dealing with THAT stupid shit. Sometimes I wish we were like those old Native Americans, you could hack off your hair and maybe a pinkie finger or something and people would UNDERSTAND when they saw you, and LEAVE YOU THE FUCK ALONE FOR AWHILE.

The 'over it' / 'used to it' is a good distinction I haven't thought of before.  I think that an apt description of the right attitude.  The former seems to imply that it's some kind of phase where the later acknowledges the emotions and experiences behind it that actually make the process so damn hard.

Luckily, my wife has a great support system at work. She was told to stay away when she wanted back and not to worry about things...they're covered.  Had this been a year ago at her previous job....not so much.  We're really counting our blessings. 

Your comment about the Native Americans hints that there's a sort of natural empathy that our society seems to lack.  It's all "Business as Usual".  Every now and then certain people will pop up from the fog...that's nice when that happens.

put it back!! this thread was getting too serious!

Oops. 

Nono, i like a good mix.

Very cool that she works with people like that. 

I don't understand the "business as usual" thing either. Yeah, the corporations exist to make money and generally don't give a fuck, but you see it on the personal level too. It's like people are scared of other people who are going through painful shit and don't just snap out of everything instantly, like they think it's contagious or something.

Where's Nigel? She always makes some sense of incomprehensible behavior.

Yeah, at some moments last week I've heard a couple people say something to the effect of, "I just don't know what to say at times like this" or somehow casually implying that they're not good at it and that it makes them feel uncomfortable.  Within the space of the people that came we were all uncomfortable ... together.  This was kinda cool because even though it sucked it was still a 'shared space.' 

Although with the general public ... it seems to me to be a shying away from the discomfort, seeking self-preservation and defense.  I think it's also interesting that people feel that they need to say anything at all.  My brother-in-law, I normally don't touch.  You wouldn't want to either.  But he was getting rather belligerent at one point and instead of arguing I just went over and gave him a hug.  I actually learned something from that and reminded him that we're all in this together without saying a word.

[Bu🤠ns]

Very cool that she works with people like that. 

I don't understand the "business as usual" thing either. Yeah, the corporations exist to make money and generally don't give a fuck, but you see it on the personal level too. It's like people are scared of other people who are going through painful shit and don't just snap out of everything instantly, like they think it's contagious or something.

Where's Nigel? She always makes some sense of incomprehensible behavior.

From what I understand, people don't like any reminder that things aren't all happiness and sunshine.
They especially don't like thinking about death.
They don't really care if you are still grieving, they just want to see a smile on your face so they can continue living in their bubble.

Yeah and if unable to escape, those some people will try to 'make you feel better.'  "I'M HELPING I'M HELPING!"  My wife and I know better and with our kids we ended up just reminding them that they're safe (in so many ways) rather than try to change what they're feeling.  The whole 'coach parent' model really shows it worth in these instances.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

Yeah, there's nothing TO "say" because you CAN'T "make it better".
Just try to be a biped and be supportive - ongoing - NOT "here's a casserole and it was God's will and if you ever need anything just let me know, only I don't really mean that, of course. Now snap out of it!"