Advice regarding bereavement

[Bu🤠ns]

Hey folks,

I don't normally like to air my dirty laundry but this whole ordeal is new to me and I would greatly appreciate any advice. 

My wife's father passed away last Sunday. All of last week we went through the funeral process and everything.  Apparently the whole stages in the grieving process is a real thing. 

For reference:
1. Denial/Isolation
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

I think my wife and daughter are at step two.  Well I KNOW my wife is--she's very out of line and things that she normally feels are out of control are amplified incredibly.  Which, from what I understand, is a part of that stage...that one feels helpless and will seeks to find sense of control in one's reality.

Her reactions came out of nowhere and it was about halfway through when it hit me that this was attributed to the grief.  At that point I just remained firm and allowed her to get whatever she needed to get out.

The advice I need is how to support her. So any insight you folks might offer for helping my family through this process, I'll sincerely consider. I'm not really that affected since my relationship with her father was amicable but limited.  My kids are surprisingly resilient but do display some of these characteristics, albeit not to the same extent as my wife.

Thanks!!

[navkat]

You sound like you're doing it. Let her take what she needs but don't let her cross fucked up lines.

[Bu🤠ns]

Thanks, I'm just taking it moment by moment.  This whole death thing is an emotional clusterfuck on all fronts.

[Cain]

Only one bit of advice, but don't tip-toe around the death, or refer to it euphemistically, ie; "since your father passed away/is gone etc".

By calling it what it is, you speed up the process whereby she can accept what happened.

[Bu🤠ns]

Only one bit of advice, but don't tip-toe around the death, or refer to it euphemistically, ie; "since your father passed away/is gone etc".

By calling it what it is, you speed up the process whereby she can accept what happened.

It's a very good point.  My son asked me to refer to it as 'passing away' at first but I never really referred to it that way.  Luckily those around me aren't much for euphemisms...even the wife is pretty clear about what's actually going on.

A lot of folks around me prefer the Christian model and talk about heaven.  I just remain steadfast in a more naturalistic position.

Thanks for the post, Cain.

[Sir Squid Diddimus]

I think one of the best ways to help is to make sure that everything continues as normal.
Dinner is made, laundry is done, bills are paid, etc...

Sometimes when your brain is all gummy from this stuff you forget normal things like that, but if life continues as normal it helps keep that sense that everything will be ok and life goes on.
If something gets forgotten or falls apart it can prolong the grieving.

Sorry you have to go through this stuff. 

[Junkenstein]

Nothing very constructive to add, but I'd second Squiddy. There's very few things as shitty as having a "bad" day and then getting something cut off or penalty charge. It's minor, but it amplifies big time and can make for some exceptional arguments.

[Bu🤠ns]

I think one of the best ways to help is to make sure that everything continues as normal.
Dinner is made, laundry is done, bills are paid, etc...

Sometimes when your brain is all gummy from this stuff you forget normal things like that, but if life continues as normal it helps keep that sense that everything will be ok and life goes on.
If something gets forgotten or falls apart it can prolong the grieving.

Sorry you have to go through this stuff. 

Thanks, I appreciate it.  Yesterday we pretty much rearranged our entire upstairs.  The fresh slate was much needed and the whole environment just FEELS better so I think you're spot on.  And yeah, you're totally right...once we get back into the routine it'll be better.

[Bu🤠ns]

Nothing very constructive to add, but I'd second Squiddy. There's very few things as shitty as having a "bad" day and then getting something cut off or penalty charge. It's minor, but it amplifies big time and can make for some exceptional arguments.

I hear ya.  We had to completely rearrange our anniversary because of this and, not to sound whiny, but I ended up getting a god awful splinter in my thumb and had to cut it out with a razorblade.  And I ALMOST said "OH THIS TOO--FUUUUCK!" but the Steve McQueen in me told me that the field surgery was fucking awesome. 

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Nothing very constructive to add, but I'd second Squiddy. There's very few things as shitty as having a "bad" day and then getting something cut off or penalty charge. It's minor, but it amplifies big time and can make for some exceptional arguments.

I hear ya.  We had to completely rearrange our anniversary because of this and, not to sound whiny, but I ended up getting a god awful splinter in my thumb and had to cut it out with a razorblade.  And I ALMOST said "OH THIS TOO--FUUUUCK!" but the Steve McQueen in me told me that the field surgery was fucking awesome. 

Steve McQueen would have dug it out with a claw hammer.

Because he's the COOLEST MAN THAT EVER LIVED.

[Junkenstein]

Paul Newman wants a word with you.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Paul Newman wants a word with you.

Paul Newman isn't fit to eat the peanuts out of Steve McQueen's shit.

[Junkenstein]

Well, you're clearly wrong as your opinion differs to mine.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Didn't mean to jack your thread, Burns.

I don't have any advice for bereavement.  When people die, I don't actually accept it or allow myself to notice it for months or years, when I realize that there's one less person walking down the Lost Highway with me.

My great-grandmother died when I was away during the gulf war.  I basically forgot she existed until 2003 or so.

[Junkenstein]

Ah shit. Same here man.

I'll take this to PM as this is NOT OVER.