Return of the PM Responses, 2013 edition

[The Good Reverend Roger]

As always, the names of the senders and their original PM have been omitted, to protect the stupid.  And the insane.  Answers only, in no particular order.

1.  Dear Crackhead,

Please don't come to me jabbering about Nigel and the prohibitions put on women by the book of Timothy.  First off, I know who you are, I think, and you're a PAGAN.  So those rules don't apply.  And if they DID, let me refer you to another rule that the bible has:

Do not turn to mediums or seek out spiritists, for you will be defiled by them. I am the Lord your God.

So if she's going to hell, I guess you and she can go bowling or something, right?

Look, we all know what's going on here.  There she is, with a vagina and everything, and she's not bowing before your mighty penis.  Get over it.  Besides, all those drugs you do have probably shriveled your penis up until it looks like the penis version of George Burns. 

Now carry your ass back off to your Pagan buddies, and get back to defiling yourselves.

2.  Dear Whomever You Are,

You're 100% correct.  We aren't Discordians.  We're really CONCORDIANS, and we're pretending to be Discordians to SCREW YOUR RELIGION UP.  Yes, I know, we're not the "decent ones", because we don't tell racial jokes and post humorously misogynist pics up to show how edgy we are.  You should go back to Facebook, now, and make sure to post 300 times in my threads about how much you're IGNORING ME. 

I am your king.  Deal with it.

3.  Dear Cult-Hunting Interbutts Hero,

Yes, all of the PD Discordians are under my direct mental control...Except for Kalera.  I am under her control, and I slavishly do whatever she tells me to do, and in turn MY zombies do what I tell them to do.  One time, Kalera told me to "shred" a skateboard down a handrail.  You may have seen the video on Youtube.  I cannot be held accountable for the hilarity, as I have never before in my life been on a skateboard.  Yes, it hurt.  I have in fact shit crooked since that event, but I must do as Mistress says.  It's the circle of life.  Elton John made a song about it.

3a.  No, I actually wasn't taking you seriously.  What can I say?  I'm a jerk.

4.  Dear Offended Random Internet Weirdo,

As I have explained many times, I cannot be held responsible for my behavior, as I am stuffed full of bad drugs.  I take so many pills that I'm FULL when I go bed, and I have the sort of nightmares you get when you eat a triple anchovy pizza right before you turn in.  Just last night, I dreamt that I was stuck in hell, answering stupid Goddamn PMs from random assholes.  Wait.  What?  I LIVE IN HELL!

Also, I am utterly unfazed by your ITG threats.  You see, I got telescopic sight flame throwers on my wrists.  You still don't get the gist?  Spiked boots are made to kick, targets are made to hit.  You think I give a shit?  Your mama is a bitch!  See you in the Sarlaac Pit!  MY BACKPACK'S GOT JETS, I'M BOBA THE FETT.  I BOUNTY HUNT FOR JABBA THE HUTT, TO FINANCE MY 'VETTE.

5.  Dear Utterly Incomprehensible Waste of My Time,

I don't understand a fucking thing you just said.  I do have to say, though, that I am reasonably sure that you didn't use a single ONE of those terms correctly.  I mean, come on...Quantum Fighting Techniques?  Is that where I know you hit me, but I can't tell exactly WHERE?

6.  Dear Free Market Po'bucker,

No, the problem isn't the government.  You WISH it was that simple.  No, the government can't find its own ass with both hands and a special prosecutor.  Also, Obama is not a "socialist", he's a corporatist.  CANADA is full of socialists, as you and I well know, and Obama is a KENYAN, not a CANADIAN.  One is in Africa, and the other is a former iron curtain nation to our North.  Please attempt to be more accurate.

Also, there has NEVER been a better time to get rich, and here you are, still making minimum wage in some festering shithole of a convenience store in Houston.  No, you will NEVER be rich, because the people who DO get rich get rich by DOING stuff and FUCKING people, not BEING FUCKED at some ridiculous job while moaning about "entitlements" on the internet.  Economically, your asshole is as wide as the Lincoln Tunnel, and THEY AREN'T GOING TO LET YOU IN THE CLUB BECAUSE YOU ADMIRE THEM.  You are, sir, what you most fear:  A DUMBASS.

7.  Dear Tinfoil Crown Winner for 2013,

First off, let me tell you that I've read some of your stuff at HFT, and your track record is sterling.  We aren't even HAVING this conversation, because the world ended last December, just like you said it would.  Then, on schedule, we were both rounded up and thrown in FEMA camps by March 1st, right on schedule.  You, Ma'am, are a fucking GENIUS.

That being said, I can assure you that chemtrails are not "blocking out the sun", and I can say that with authority, given that I live in HELL, where an ANGRY GOD we call "the sun" grinds us into the coliche each and every day.  Also, the reason the sky is occasionally white isn't from chemtrails.  No, the reason for both of these things is a little-known phenomenon proposed by more radical "scientists" that they refer to as "clouds".

Seriously.  You guys are retarded.  I hope the government DOES round you up.

8.  Dear Genuinely Crazy Person,

No, I have not been following you around.  I do know who IS, though.  It's the person who owns this board, a Mister East Coast Hustle.  He is a vile creature, no mistake.  He breaks into your car and licks the tobacco residue off of the inside of your window for his sustenance.  But anyone would do for THAT, that's not why he picked you.  No.  He chose YOU because he needs your gametes.  He needs them to breed MORE East Coast Hustles, as he was tragically born without any gametes.  He picks a given person, and peels one chromosome out of their DNA, which he mixes up in a bowl.  This is why you have headaches...One of your chromosomes is gone. 

Then he finds innocent White Christian women and impregnates them with a special worm he breeds for the purpose, like in the movie Alien.  That movie wasn't exactly a documentary, but it may has well have been.  Hollywood is in on this, and they're LAUGHING AT US.  He is a filthy beast, and he made me Gay last Tuesday.  There's no excuse for that sort of shit.  I'M THE VICTIM HERE, BUDDY.

9.  Dear Butthurt,

Yes, I am a "hater".  I have in fact been saying that over and over again for the last 30 years or so, and I KNOW you've seen me say it.  Did you think I was JOKING, or did you somehow thing that you were an exception to my policy...That you and I would sit back and laugh at the stupid "mundanes" (as you call them) together?  Because THANK GOD WE'RE NOT DUMBASSES, RIGHT?  RIGHT RIGHT RIGHT?

No, you terminally stupid assmonkey, I include EVERYONE in this.  I hate you all.  I hate you so much, I don't know how to properly explain it.  Oh, Goddammit.

10.  Dear Arse Biscuit,

There are several reasons your account took so long to get approved.  First, there's only two admins.  I mean, we HAVE more, but everyone except Cain and I went crazy.  This wasn't unexpected; One is Irish, and the other is a filthy fucking Belgian.  They were BORN WRONG.  Second, why do you need our approval?  We're not here to validate you.  Third, I approved your account the day you made it.  However, I approved it rather than "approve and send email", because, you know, how do you keep an idiot in suspense?  Lastly, I wanted to approve you with email, really I did, I was just joking above...But Cain wouldn't allow it, on account of you're from Lambeth Road, whatever the hell THAT is.  I can't make head or tails out of your fucked up address system.  We here in America have a LOT MORE ADDRESSES than you have, and WE don't need 6 lines of weird & outdated place-names.

BONUS MATERIAL/Email Exchange

11.  If we banned you, you couldn't even SEE the board. 

12.  No kidding, you're not banned.  Seriously.

13.  Have you tried turning it off and on again?

14.  There's no reason to be like that.  I mean, *I* am not the guy who can't figure out a lousy interbutt forum.  You click "log in", and you do what the software says.

15.  Take your meds.

16.  Yes, I am in fact a Doktor.  Take two more crazy pills and call me in the morning.

17.  YOU may be in Texas.  I am not.  Your silly laws don't apply to me.

18.  Is this the Uncle BadTouch Family?

19.  No, I had you confused with someone else.  You're an entirely different fucked up Texan.

20.  No, I love Texas.  It makes the rest of the country smell better by comparison.  It's sort of like if you're at fat camp, and there's a kid there that's 50 pounds heavier than you.  That's Texas.  And while it doesn't make Arizona look SANE, it makes us look (relatively) polite and educated.

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

I love this and want to have its babies.

[insideout]

Maybe quantum fighting techniques give you the ability to see the fist coming or feel its impact but not both at the same time?

[LMNO]

Is there any way we could collect these and make a small book?


I'm kind of obsessed with small books filled with awesomely weird shit.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Is there any way we could collect these and make a small book?


I'm kind of obsessed with small books filled with awesomely weird shit.

Sure, response-wise.

As for the actual PMs, I have explained that I have them collected, and they will be sent to ECH on the occasion of my death, to do with as he wishes.

ETA:  He'll probably just lick the horrible old nicotene stains off it, though.

[LMNO]

Oh, I entirely meant response-only. It's more fucked up that way.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

I got as far as "the penis version of George Burns" and I had to stop and say THIS RULES.

Going to read the rest now. 

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

Is there any way we could collect these and make a small book?


I'm kind of obsessed with small books filled with awesomely weird shit.

Sure, response-wise.

As for the actual PMs, I have explained that I have them collected, and they will be sent to ECH on the occasion of my death, to do with as he wishes.

ETA:  He'll probably just lick the horrible old nicotene stains off it, though.

"IT'S THE CIRCLE OF LIFE. ELTON JOHN MADE A SONG ABOUT IT." 

I want my small book long before you die, dammit. 

[Juana]

Oh my god. Roger attracts ALL of the weirdos.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Oh my god. Roger attracts ALL of the weirdos.

I do this shit so YOU don't have to.

LOOK GRATEFUL.

[Juana]

Oh my god. Roger attracts ALL of the weirdos.

I do this shit so YOU don't have to.

LOOK GRATEFUL.

Oh, I am.

[Junkenstein]

Oh, I entirely meant response-only. It's more fucked up that way.

I see it more as two volumes, one of the sent and one one the reply.

I'd use pairs but randomise the order. Will you ever match them all up?


Probably. People have lots of time on their hands.

[P3nT4gR4m]

Never disappoints! I think no.8 is my personal favorite but it's a close call

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Never disappoints! I think no.8 is my personal favorite but it's a close call

It was mine.  #1 was fun, too.

I always try to drag ECH into these things, so that he,too, can get some of that sweet, sweet stalker loving.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Is it at all perverted that I deliberately saved this so that it would be the last thing I read before going to bed, just so I could go to bed happy?