Five Ways To Prove You're A Team-Player.

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

Yes, peers and colleagues, it's another beautiful day here in the heart of our corporate fiefdom. The sun is shining, the birds are singing, and all of our valued associates are toiling away with merry hearts on their assigned tasks. Our company is run with efficiency and keen attention to our customers' needs. But that doesn't mean we can't have fun doing it!

No sir-ee, nothing could be farther from the truth!

Working should be fun because fun makes your smiles (a required part of your uniform) all the more genuine and enticing to the gullible sheep who buy our shit.

But in case you're not sure how to have fun, well, let me give you a few pointers on getting along with your co-workers so everyone can enjoy the glorious freedom of part-time employment, while simultaneously contributing to a greater purpose.

First:

Customers always come first. We exist to fulfill their needs. They make everything we do worthwhile. Make sure to give each individual wallet all the attention and compassion it deserves. Remember, every dollar is precious.


Second:

When assigning tasks, be fair. Don't let one person be bogged down with the most onerous chores all the time. No, everyone takes a turn in hauling the trash and everyone takes a turn in wheeling the carts of scalding oil to the grease trap out back. Watch out for vagrants and rats!


Third:

Treat new associates kindly. Be helpful in explaining each task. Do not bitch-slap them when they say retarded shit like "Oh, I don't clean." or "I don't DO manual labor. That's what my husband is for." or "I'm black so they can't fire me. That's why there's affirmative action. It doesn't matter if I do this or not." Remember, everyone learns at a different rate. The really stupid ones need extra love and care.


Fourth:

Try working a problem out on your own before going to a manager. They really don't give two fucks and couldn't care less about your pathetic attempts at adequacy, even if they got yet another bonus - like the ones they get for cutting your hours and violating FDA regulation in order to keep that bottom line looking lean and mean.


Fifth:

Everyone is a winner. Except the ones that get thrown under the bus in order to pave our stockholder's way to glory with actual authentic blood, sweat, and tears.



Or Kill Me.