Liveblogging the Clusterfuck at Work

[tyrannosaurus vex]

6:38 AM: Woke up 7 minutes before the alarm goes off. Awesome! As a reward, I will allow myself to sleep until that alarm rings.

7:53 AM: Woke up again. Shit, supposed to be at work by 8. Fuck.

7:57 AM: Hotel lobby. Of course there's a line at the coffee machine. Oh well, I'm going to be late anyway, fuck it I'll wait.

8:05 AM: Ran down the stairs, swiped the MetroCard 6 times (oh good, looks like it's gonna be a banner day for technology!) and arrived at the platform in time to catch a glimpse of the train as it disappeared down the tunnel. Another 5 minute wait, oh well.

8:10 AM: Coffee on pants. Eh. Whatever.

8:25 AM: Arrive at the office. People are running around yelling and waving their arms, like one of those Simpsons episodes where they run out of ideas halfway through the script. "NETWORK IS DOWN OMG WHAT WILL WE DO!?" Nevermind that I informed them the network would be down until at least 8:45 this morning. Everything is on schedule despite my sleeping late... but these people do not seem to notice.

9:07 AM: Network finally back online. GO GO GO! Hit the spreadsheets, everyone! I'm going to find a Starbucks.

9:30 AM: CEO says "ARRGH WHAT ABOUT MY PRINTER?" It doesn't work with the new system, I'm sorry you're inconvenienced. I'll go downstairs and buy one at Staples.

9:35 AM: Staples does not sell printers at this location. Walking to nearest suitable store.

10:00 AM: Arrived back at the office with the new printer. Replace old printer. Set up new one. Fuck with network wires and find THIS behind the CEO's desk:

Well, looks like I found out why this place is plagued with so many issues...

10:30 AM: [Warning: technical] The Juniper guy says he's ready to apply the new network configuration so IP phones will work. Okay, I say, go ahead and do it. Five seconds later the whole network goes dark and there's a throng of angry villagers outside the server room door with pitchforks and torches, crying out for someone's head. I try to hold them off, but I can't. I throw the intern at them and let them work him over for a while, as I curse the Juniper guy over a staticky cell phone connection. He doesn't seem to understand that in a network, there are "routers" and "switches" for a reason. Routers route, and switches switch. He wants to make the switch do the routing. I call him a filthy carpetbagger from Texas, tell him to pack up his Trans-Am and go back to the trailer park where nobody cares about the proper way to build a network. He ends the phone call politely.

12:00 PM: Fuck this, the network is still down, but it's lunch time. This company needs to know what it means to be owned by a rag-tag bunch of ex-educators from Arizona, and they'll never be properly familiarized if we don't inconvenience them.

I am surrounded by imbeciles.

It's too early to start drinking.

....

[Eater of Clowns]

Did you try updating the drivers on the mouse?

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

Did you try updating the drivers on the mouse?

http://www.instantrimshot.com

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

Is that a rat plugged into your CEO's desk?

[tyrannosaurus vex]

1:30 PM: Network is back up, and everything is quiet. Except for me, that is, because the only way to bring the network back up was to completely give up on the required configuration changes. What that means is that I get to stay late tonight until either the changes have been made successfully, or I can no longer smell New Jersey from here, neither of which is likely to occur in this decade.

Is that a rat plugged into your CEO's desk?

Technically, it's a mouse, and it's plugged in to the power outlet behind his desk. I don't mind, though. They have hand sanitizer and decent soap in the bathroom, and this CEO is a snotty, spoiled New Yorker whose shit doesn't stink, and now that I've passed this image around to everyone else in the company, he is now the object of satisfying, if slightly unwitty, jokes and puns from everywhere.

Also since we purchased this company, he isn't technically the CEO anymore. He's more like, I dunno, just some guy with an ego that no longer fits inside his official title. He's like "Office Manager II" or something, which of course means he's redundant and will be downsized shortly.

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

Was it already a dead thing?

[tyrannosaurus vex]

Was it already a dead thing?

Yes I found it that way and I'm leaving it that way.

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

Was it already a dead thing?

Yes I found it that way and I'm leaving it that way.

That's gonna get REAL stinky

[tyrannosaurus vex]

Was it already a dead thing?

Yes I found it that way and I'm leaving it that way.

That's gonna get REAL stinky

Not my problem. Besides, it can't get much stinkier than it already is. If you could capture the aromatic essence of NYC and bottle it, the FBI would raise your house and charge you with manufacturing chemical weapons.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

This whole thing is  .

The corpsemouse really tops it off, though.

[The Johnny]

Did you try turning it off and then on?

[Junkenstein]

Noooooo....

Get back in there and turn it around. Then arrange for him to find it.

[tyrannosaurus vex]

Yesterday: 8AM to 11:30PM: I must have blacked out because I can't remember anything from that period, and when I went in today, NO PROGRESS HAD BEEN MADE. I am filled with rage.

Today

10:00 AM: After a conference call, the Juniper guy finally decided my idea about how to configure the fucking thing was "worth a shot."

10:15 AM: Oh look, everything is working. How weird. And it only took 2 entire days, including no less than 6 after-closing hours, to do what actually takes 15 minutes when you do it correctly.

11:00 AM-5:00 PM: Printers. Users. Wires. Coffee. Coffee. Coffee. Smoke. Wires. Printers.

6:00 PM: Fuck you all, I'm leaving.

Can't wait for tomorrow.

[Bu🤠ns]

Because I become involved with very VERY EEERILY similar situations .... I'm eagerly awaiting the next installment in this story.

Also:  Please to  label the mouse in the wall...we can't have unlabeled data ports / power outlets / mouse butts.  Unlabeled ports is just...unprofessional.

[tyrannosaurus vex]

Worked til 10PM last night. Accomplished nothing at all.

This morning, I got in and everything is on fire again. Why? Did something I do last night fuck something up? Nope, all that is working. Hmm... Oh look! MY BOSS LOGGED INTO THE SYSTEM EARLY THIS MORNING AND DELETED EVERY LAST MOTHERFUCKER IN THIS OFFICE FROM THE SYSTEM! Oh good. Now I get to redo ALL THE THINGS!

Seriously. There's no coming back from what he did with a simple restore or undelete. Everything I did for the last two weeks is up in smoke.

It's okay though because I realize now what is happening. My life is literally a Dilbert cartoon. There's no other way to explain it. I am the butt of some cruel cosmic joke. The universe is punishing me, either because I was a terrible person in a past life, or I am going to be a terrible person in this life and I just don't know it yet. After all, I am starting to feel like mass murder isn't entirely off the table, so maybe this little pre-emptive strike by the universe is justified.