What's REALLY happening.

[Doktor Howl]

I fucking love you guys

also

HAVE YOU ASKED YOUR DOCTOR?? The latest medical fashion is bullying. That's right, you can get a prescription to have some kid from the neighborhood say shitty things to you as you get in your car. He's wearing one of those weird little felt crowns that kids wore in the 1950s. He's got a stick, and he poked poop with that stick, and now he's writing your name in poop on the side of your car.

"Now this is pod racing" you say to yourself as he waves the stick under your nose, causing your eyes to tear up and your stomach to heave. There are immeasurable medical benefits to getting bullied by a small child. Your fur and tail will shine. But what's more, there are moral benefits, too. You start that kids life from the right position - one of total indignance and absurd hostility towards adults. As he grows up, he's going to explore those feelings, developing them into the psychological equivalent of methamphetamines. As a teenager, he'll pay for his college tuition by selling them from an alley. We'll freebase those feelings and get fuckin ripped up.

But aside from the physical side effects, being bullied will give you the humility that will make you an effective employee of Crambonian Enterprises, which is basically like Amazon for complete dipshits.

But how does this work, you ask? How does an 11 year old kid effectively bully a 37 year old grown-ass man? Doesn't bullying involve a power gradient? Can two people on equal standing bully each other? How is bullying different from normal everyday conflict?

The answer lies in that power gradient -- you have to give that child leverage over you. Give him your wallet. Name him as your emergency medical contact. This will equip him with a feeling of POWER which will benefit both you and him.

And this is what's REALLY happening.

That moment when you try to alert everyone to the Bad Guy, only to find out that he's been running slick ads announcing his evil for several years.

[Doktor Howl]

Bump for further development