FMEA meetings are great.

[Doktor Howl]

Failure Modes meetings are awesome.  Basically, I spend a week building a spreadsheet that describes the potential failure points for machinery, assigning "RPNs" (occurance, severity, detectability, etc) to each potential failure mode.  It requires a great deal of knowledge about the equipment and also about the various ways the Fuckup Fairy can be introduced to the equation via operations personnel.

Then we have a weekly meeting to discuss what we've done to mitigate the steps.  The meeting goes kind of like this:

Dok:  "Okay, the next mode of failure is the door gasket blowing out when the mill is depressurized.  This is usually caused by..."

Mike:  <interrupts with gigantic non-sequitor that has nothing to do with the topic>  Translation:  "Everyone look at me."

Dok:  "As I was saying..."

Ernie:  "How come you always blame the operators?"

Dok:  "I didn't.  The operator has no control over this."

Ernie:  "You always blame the operators."

Dok:  "Shut up, you horrible person."

Jim:  "There's no need to be confrontational."

Dok:  "Yes, there is.  Anyway, as I was saying..."

Lilly:  "What about <insert item on list 3 items down>"

Dok:  "We'll get to that shortly.  Anyway..."

Filthy Assistant:  "The maintenance guys need to be more careful."  <--- Doesn't even know what we're talking about, or attempting to talk about.  Maintenance isn't even involved in this particular task.  He has no clue why all the maintenance guys hate his stinking guts.

Dok:  "Shut your pie hole."

Jim:  "Everyone calm down."

Dok:  "I have to get more coffee."  <leaves room>

They're still, I think, waiting for me to come back to the meeting.   

[Junkenstein]

And then these people wonder why shit keeps breaking. I guess it's one of those meetings where it's more important to have a body in a chair than actually hear about how to stop shit going wrong.

And this:

Ernie:  "You always blame the operators."

Dok:  "Shut up, you horrible person."

Jim:  "There's no need to be confrontational."

Dok:  "Yes, there is.

I'll be stealing that. Gold.

[Doktor Howl]

Update:

Phone call.

Jim:  "Where are you?"

Dok:  "Getting coffee."

Jim:  "For 20 minutes?"

Dok:  "I had to make the coffee, the pot was empty."

Jim:  "How long does THAT take?"

Dok:  "It's very complicated.  Potentially dangerous.  The safety geek and I are reviewing a job hazard analysis."

Jim:  "WHEN THE FUCK ARE YOU COMING BACK IN HERE?"

Dok:  "When you stop yelling at me.  I'm a sensitive guy."

Jim:  "Fuck it, we'll do it tomorrow."  Hangs up while yelling at Filthy Assistant.  Something about knowing when to SHUT UP.

Pretty sure that's victory.

[Salty]

 

I was halfway through when I thought, "How the shit does he not go berserker mode with these dicks."

Then I read the rest and understood. You make it worse for them than simple rage. You, sir, are a skilled human being.

[Doktor Howl]

I was halfway through when I thought, "How the shit does he not go berserker mode with these dicks."

Then I read the rest and understood. You make it worse for them than simple rage. You, sir, are a skilled human being.

Constant practice.

[EK WAFFLR]

Dok, you're a giant amongst humans. 

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

I think your benzos and bourbon should be free. It should be part of the compensation package for having to fucking stay in that buildling with those people. Not even for doing your job. Just for being in the same place as those morons for longer than fifteen minutes.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

  That was amazing.

[Left]

So you have a bunch of passive-aggressive fuckers who like needling you until you explode?

[Doktor Howl]

So you have a bunch of passive-aggressive fuckers who like needling you until you explode?

No, it's more that they're dumb.

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

I think 'dumb' wins the understatement of the year award.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

So you have a bunch of passive-aggressive fuckers who like needling you until you explode?

He turns it around and makes THEM explode. It's like some kind of martial art. 

[Left]

So you have a bunch of passive-aggressive fuckers who like needling you until you explode?

He turns it around and makes THEM explode. It's like some kind of martial art. 

Oh, that's valid.
And yes, they are really stupid.
Dok's trying to keep them from dying at work, and they look at him as a nuisance.

[Trivial]

I need to learn the art of making others explode.  Even better would be an up the chain effect, there are way to many levels of management where I work.

[Doktor Howl]

So you have a bunch of passive-aggressive fuckers who like needling you until you explode?

He turns it around and makes THEM explode. It's like some kind of martial art. 

Asshat Fu.