Cramulus

[Doktor Howl]

You can HAVE this century, because 1) it's BAD for you and 2) it's just the first half of the LAST century dubstepped.  No, I am going back to 1979, and I'm only keeping all the good shit.  YOU can have Liz Cheney and Sarah Palin, and *I* am keeping Abba and Divine. 

Nigel says I can't do this, but she's not my supervisor.  She can't tell me what I'm allowed to do.

NOT STAYING
DON'T WANNA
YA CAN'T MAKE ME
UH UH

So, if you need me for anything, look for me in old Sugar Hill Gang videos and maybe American Bandstand. 

That is all.  Enjoy your rapidly overheating planet.  I'll be WAY THE FUCK BACK THERE, being part of the problem. 

That is all.


PS: Keeping Lady Gaga, too, on account of she's as 1979 as it gets.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

 

[Cramulus]

I'm just trying to make the best of a bad situation. All centuries should carry the same warning as a pack of cigarettes.

You know what's weird? You know all those artificial flavors that have become standard? You know -- that electric blue raspberry flavor, or that supersweet green apple flavor you only find in candy. It's nowhere in nature. But it's MORE INTENSE than the "real" fruits they are imitating. In a way it's realer than real. It changes the real.

You haven't really tasted wild cherry --- until you've taken a sip of the super concentrated wild cherry syrup that they use to make pepsi into wild cherry pepsi. They only need a drop. If you drink that stuff like a shot, your body will seize up as if it's being assaulted. I mean, you basically just turned your gastrointestinal fluid into cherry coke. (to be fair, coke and stomach acid are indistinguishable in a blind taste test)

But then, the next time you have a real cherry--I mean one that somebody grew in their garden and has never been frozen and shipped halfway around the world inside a wooden crate--it will taste realer than realer than real.

really real for real


It's startling. It breaks things. Now I only want backyard raspberries. Now I only want homegrown tomatoes. Now I want to keep a handwritten journal and pack every page. Now I want to call up my old friends and say hi in the secret way we said hi to each other when we were kids and emperors. Now I only want to read books that get inside my head like an earthquake.

do you think those ignorant fucking dirt farmers who had real cherries every fucking day even knew what they had?

(some asshole in the third row shouts "polio")

so I dunno, bullshit makes the flowers grow ---- and the flowers are beautiful because it's a welcome change of pace
There's no backward setting, there's only denial


I say jump headfirst into hyperreality and bring single dollar bills

I say watch a concert through the screen on your phone

I say liveblog things instead of doing them

I say tweet every dumb one liner that pops into your head
  when you're at a party you can read your witty tweets to each other.

I say stock up on those cheese danishes you get at gas stations. (no seriously, they are the perfect food)

I say check your text messages four times while reading this
  then multitask over to facebook and see what that noise was
  click No on a few event invites (mainly for bands of people you lost contact with 10 years ago)

I say lose entire months in the mountains of Skyrim

because why not? What are we supposed to be? Enlightened masters who judge the world from their distant monastery? These super hipsters who are so cool and authentic that we only listen to live music? Fruitarians? 20th century goddamn Amish??

It's absurd anyway -- that is to say, it's arbitrary to your decisions. You don't get a choice about these things. They are happening to us, with us or without us. Your locus of control is akin to a hunger strike. And I've got news for you buddy: they've got feeding tubes and they don't care about Ramadan. And we're all together behind them. And in front of them. Visualize a massage circle but instead of backrubs, force feeding tubes.

And you're going to come out of it high as a kite, a million people at once


and then we're going cherry picking

[Pæs]

I am now going to use EMBRACE THE FUTURE as an excuse to never leave Skyrim.

[Doktor Howl]

See, there's the problem.  I like things real.  Plain old real.  I neither need nor want the extended remix version of real.  So I stand here, in 1979, with hippies on one side and Reagan on the other, teetering on a monstrous heap of cocaine and herpes, scant inches above the awful shit.  I am in fact posting this from a rotary phone, which is ALL THE TECHNOLOGY I NEED.  People have puffy hairdos and WIDE fucking collars, and you could hide Karl Rove in their pant legs. 

Who the hell needs anything more real than THAT?  Not this guy. 

But you're right about the warning labels.  The 21st century's label should read "May contain warrantless anal intrusion for your own good", and the front of the package should have Justin Beiber and Taylor swift dancing the Texas two step on Benjamin Franklin's grave, and the back should have Andrew Card grimacing like a CHAMP while he pinches a loaf off on Patrick Henry's headstone.

And inside should be 20 perfect food tube mouth pieces, molded so that one side fits in someone else's ass.  Because that's what YOUR century is.  It's the HUMAN GODDAMN CENTIPEDE set to Yakkity Sax played by Green Day™.  It's the perfect circle jerk...All participants, no pivot man.

So when you finally keel over from one round too many of the biscuit game, spend your last few conscious moments thinking of me, way back here, doing my thing on the Studio 54 dance floor, in a gentle mist of cocaine sneezed out by Me Generation dweebs that ate your future.

[Cramulus]

If you hang on, there'll be another 1979

tell you what - we'll hang out here like we're waiting for Godot, just by the high water mark — that place where the wave finally broke, and rolled back

[Doktor Howl]

If you hang on, there'll be another 1979

tell you what - we'll hang out here like we're waiting for Godot, just by the high water mark — that place where the wave finally broke, and rolled back

Fuck Godot.  That asshole is NEVER on time.  It's disrespectful to everyone else.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

THE FUTURE HAS FEEDING TUBES, AND DOESN'T CARE ABOUT RAMADAN.

YOUR FUTURE, IN SUMMARY.

[Doktor Howl]

THE FUTURE HAS FEEDING TUBES, AND DOESN'T CARE ABOUT RAMADAN.

YOUR FUTURE, IN SUMMARY.

I'm still giggling like a little girl over that bit.   

[Pæs]

It's the HUMAN GODDAMN CENTIPEDE set to Yakkity Sax played by Green Day™.  It's the perfect circle jerk...All participants, no pivot man.

FEEDING TUBES™ TESTIMONIAL.

Everyone lives downriver.

[Richter]

I'm waiting for an apocalypse to justify my choice of skill sets.

Until then I look at it all and I wonder.  How would "a Conneticut yankee in King Aurthur's Court" play out today?  How would a person from 1784 deal in the modern world?  How do we explain our shit?

How will I (if breed) explain this shit to my kids?  Wer're party to it all every day, and I have no idea how it got here except as stream of colelctive consciousness. 

The zeitgeist needs a nap.

[Doktor Howl]

I'm waiting for an apocalypse to justify my choice of skill sets.

Until then I look at it all and I wonder.  How would "a Conneticut yankee in King Aurthur's Court" play out today?  How would a person from 1784 deal in the modern world?  How do we explain our shit?

How will I (if breed) explain this shit to my kids?  Wer're party to it all every day, and I have no idea how it got here except as stream of colelctive consciousness. 

The zeitgeist needs a nap.

You take medieval times and fleas and shit.

I'll take Jimmy Carter and Gloria Gaynor.

[Trivial]

I think the fact that I was crammed into an elevator with 9 other people and all of them were talking but not to each other says a lot about this century.  Something loud, douchy and stupid. 

[Left]

How will I (if breed) explain this shit to my kids?

Don't breed, there is no explaining this.

[LMNO]

do you think those ignorant fucking dirt farmers who had real cherries every fucking day even knew what they had?

(some asshole in the third row shouts "polio")