Principia Discordia > Apple Talk

Who's Who on

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Doktor Howl:
The Admin Team
East Coast Hustle:
Picture:  Pending
Aka:  Balls Wellington, Fuck You One Eye, Turd Ferguson

East Coast Hustle is the owner of  He is a sea-going abomination who is referenced several times in Samuel Coleridge's The Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner.  ECH is 127 years old, and he has slain a man for every day that he has existed on this planet.  ECH recently gained fame during a medical procedure originally intended to de-barnacle his ass. The infestation was, however, too large, and drastic measures were required; as such, ECH is the first recipient of a butthole transplant.  ECH hails from the Virgin Islands, and was exiled for reasons that required a name-change for the islands.  There is literally no end to this monster's perversions...Despite this, if you have trouble with admins or users on the admin team, your best course of action is to PM ECH.  He will hold your hand and dry your tears, because he's really a big softie.  His turn ons include Captain & Tennill tunes and the entire city of Seattle.  His turn offs include lizard fuckers.  He hates lizard fuckers, and nobody knows why.

Picture:  Cain does not show up on film, nor does he cast a shadow.
AKA:  Lost to the mists of time.

The entity known as Cain Aerte appears to be a 20-something college student from Manchester, who runs prep school dorms here and there in Europe.  The truth is, of course, far darker.  Cain is an undead abomination who has haunted Europe for at least 2000 years.  He double-dog-dared Julius Caesar to cross the Rubicon.  He told Kitchener to rely on Artillery.  He helped Henry VIII pick out babes.  He arrived in London on a ship from Venice, with a box full of rats, back in the 1300s.  These and many other things he has done, while waiting to fulfill his purpose. 

His purpose has been to find a particular person.  By chance, that particular person is YOU.  And the reason he has waited 20 centuries for you to be born is this:  To call you a stupid, useless bastard who couldn't find your own ass with two hands and a hunting dog.  Now that he's done so, however, he still finds that he can't die.  So he's going to fuck with EVERYONE on the planet.  Starting with that Putin jerk.

The Good Reverend Roger:  In progress.

AKA:  No aliases needed.

Faust claims to be Irish, but everyone knows he lies, on account of his real last name is about as Irish as I am.  Faust is a Turk or something like that, and what he's actually up to in Ireland is anyone's guess.  I mean, it's not like he could do anything to Ireland that Ireland hasn't already done to itself, so the smart money is that the Ottoman Empire exiled him for his base and sadistic ways.

As the guy who actually hosts the site, he has much to answer for.  He turned the search function off for SIX YEARS, just for a laugh.  On the other hand, he DOES pay almost all the freight on this den of iniquity, and you are DWELLING IN SIN if you don't fork over at least one month's server fees during your stay here.  There.  Commercial over.  Back to bashing the counterfeit bog-hopper.

Faust is basically a bad person.  He was born wrong.  He is a rotten example of what happens when you let Europe smash up against Asia, and he wants to take our guns away.  Will REAL Americans put up with this sort of nonsense from a man whose name they can't even PRONOUNCE, let alone spell?  No.  This is not North Korea.  We don't have to put up with that shit.  We'd DEAL WITH this jerk, except, again, he runs the server and it might cause an interruption of Normal Service.  His turn ons include server rooms.  His turn offs are peace, justice, and mercy.

Triple Zero: 
Aka: 000, which is the same thing.

Triple Zero is a notorious slumlord in the Belgian city of "Groingroan" (or however you spell it), who promotes caning the elderly, involuntary "ferret-legging" (wiki it, seriously), and asking frustrated, anguished computer users if they've "tried turning it off and on again".  Triple Zero is something of a national hero in Belgium, famed for his short temper and incredibly bad manners.  Likewise, he is considered a menace - by which I mean "national calamity" - as a driver, and makes everyone guess which side of the road he's using that day.

Legend has it that Triple Zero was more or less a regular Belgian, until he came in second in the Ms Universe beauty pageant.  He fell into a deep rage that has lasted to this day, and is why the Ms Universe pageant is now held in an undisclosed location that is only decided 6 hours before the event.  This hasn't prevented at least one "unfortunate incident" that required the introduction of the "closed-casket event" of the pageant to replace the "talent event".  Triple Zero has 3 nipples.  His turn ons include Bea Arthur and all 4 members of Abba.  His turn offs include people calling to ask for computer help during a blackout.

AKA:  Big Gay Cowboy, Snuggles, The 'Stache

LMNO is arguably the only decent, fully-functional human being on PD; certainly the only one on the admin staff.  By day, a mild mannered white collar professional whose duties not even he understands well enough to describe; by night, rampaging party animal at THE GAY BAR.  Once per year he goes out West for The Culling, when he and his fellow Big Gay Cowboys hunt the great white sharks of Montana, for the children.  There are rumors concerning LMNO and strange disappearances in Boston, but these are vile rumors started by his arch-nemesis Twid (see below).  LMNO revived the great American tradition of FABULOUS as a member of Team Vodka, and is responsible for a great many Discordian works, including the Chao-Te-Ting (or whatever the hell he calls it), co-authored The Black Iron Prison, recorded The Spider Project and Going Back to Tucson, as well as authoring the seminal work Thirty Days of Eris.  His current projects include the creation of the all-castrato Discordian Choir, set to have a rap battle with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir in 2014.  Turn ons include everything.  Turn offs non-existent.  LMNO remains, to this day, oddly aroused, despite the foul murder of his glorious 'stache by his beautiful but vile & depraved wife.

Picture:  Pending
AKA:  Professor Cramulus, Wilford Brimley

Cramulus started his career as one of the founding members of the Latino boy band "Menudo", and quickly leveraged his fame to gain a spot as an AM radio "shock jock".  He spent the next 10 years ranting on air about the dangers of liberalism and diabetes.  During this period, he also invented the "sport" ballpipe, which he used as a method of castrating all of the other males of mating age in New York State.  Relevant videos can be found on Youtube.  Viewer discretion is advised.  After the infamous fake 'stache scandal of 2007, he was barred from broadcasting, and took up a new career, that of being a one-legged prostitute, with a rapidly expanding clientelle.  This was a ruse; he was merely gathering blackmail 2009, he began a massive campaign of blackmail and extortion against local politicians, as the first stage of a coup.  He successfully took over the town of Tarryton.  Enraged that nobody noticed, he vanished into the bayous of upstate New York, swearing a terrible revenge.  He hasn't been seen since.  Turn ons include 'stache and choking skeeter, turn offs are not on record.

Doktor Howl:
The Unwashed Masses, Part I
Queen Gogira
AKA:  Jimmy Walnuts

Queen Gogira is a masshole from some speck on the MA road map.  She is known for pastry-terrorism and waffle-mayhem.  A skilled layout artist, she is employed by the American Communist Party's propaganda ministry, tasked entirely with pissing off the last two surviving John Birch Society members with taunting posters and pamphlets.  Queen Gogira has 12 husbands, each of which has been decerebrated so as to not annoy her with their endless prattle.  She has children, alledgedly, though her kind IS known for eating its young.  Her tongue has an eyeball on the tip.  She can climb sheer surfaces.  You won't see her coming, so stop worrying about it.  Turn ons include stigmatic clog-dancing and taking the piss.  Turn offs include Rhode Island and giving the piss back.


Alty is an Alaskan Native American who nevertheless claims European descent, though nobody believes a fucking word of it.  He has a 3rd degree black belt in Frottage, and has managed to arrange for people to pay him for beating them up.  Alty knowingly and willfully allows Sarah Palin to live, though he frequently terrorizes the mean streets of Wasilla, beating the mortal shit out of anyone wearing a sweatsuit (ie, everyone).  Alty wears no clothes - even in the Alaskan winter - instead staying warm via his freakishly deformed and steaming genetalia, which reveal his half-alien ancestry.  The Alaskan women call him "darling", and the Alaskan men just call him "sir".  Turn ons include dying in the high desert, blackflies, and moose-fucking.  Turn offs include stupid people, which is unfortunate for the residents of the state he lives in. 

Picture:  Pending
Aka:  Paesior, Shaft, Son of Kojak

Paes - IF that's his REAL name - is a Mauri native of New Zealand, a small city in Northern Australia.  Paes is what happened to Old Zealand, and we don't talk about that.  Paes is conveyed everywhere he goes in a palanquin carried by his personal Mongol slaves, who strain and grunt under the enormous load.  He himself is a slave to his opium addiction, so common among Those People.  This causes him to hallucinate and occasionally go full retard, which is why only Mongols will work for him.  His last "little moment" resulted in severe damage to Christchurch, which was mistaken for an Earthquake, as his vast and obscenely obese body flopped horribly from one donut shop to another, while his Mongol servants wailed in horror and tried to keep up.  His turn ons include Signora Paesior ("the butcher of Aukland"), and jelly rolls.  His turn offs include fitness professionals and artery plaque.

Cardinal Pizza Delivery:
AKA:  CPD, Hey You, Marissa Miller

As can be seen from the picture above, CPD is a hat.  A fiendish hat, one that brain-grabs anyone so ignorant or foolish to put it on.  She then runs her mentally-enslaved minion around doing horrible things.  Nobody knows where the hat came from; speculations include alien influence all the way to the ridiculous ("She knitted herself").  When she has worn out her minion via slaking her unnatural lusts, she has the minion drop her at a Goodwill collection point, and the hideous process repeats itself.  CPD is a very good writer, as if that somehow makes up for her crimes.  Turn ons include heads.  Turn offs include Buddhists, whom she hates with the fire of ten thousand suns, for reasons unknown.

hylierandom, A.D.D.
AKA:  Hunter S Thompson, Hylie

Hylie is a respected researcher in the field of Hot Mess.  The above picture was taken just before the infamous "Incident", which was later blamed on Middle Eastern terrorists.  Anyone with a brain knows that the World Trade Center wasn't taken down by those planes; Hylie was having a bad day and literally shagged the buildings until they exploded.  Hylie portrays herself as a victim of PTSD and various associated mental difficulties; this is a TRAP.  There's nothing wrong with her that the United States Army couldn't fix, using modern ordnance.  However, President Obama - known for hating America - refuses to sign the required authorizations, allowing her to continue her incredibly destructive rampages from coast to coast.  Turn ons include sodomizing small automobiles.  Turn offs include that many police coming through the door at once.

AKA:  Rich, Sir Knobend, AAARRRRG!

Where to begin?  Richter is NO.  Richter is what waits for you in your nightmares.  Richter is what Burt Reynolds tried to warn us about as he left office.  Richter is a skilled metal worker and weapons expert who has been known to put an edge on toothpaste (favored assassination technique).  The Richter who can be described is not the Richter you should fear.  Richter has a habit of shoving punk rockers through drop ceilings, and also of knocking them the FUCK OUT with a single, well-placed elbow.  If Richter wants your woman, he will have her.  Richter harbors an intense hatred of Italians, which is why he moved to Federal Hill ("target rich environment"), and wears two guidos as bedroom slippers.  There is no hope...Don't look, just run.  Turn ons include erotic self-abuse with whetstones, NO, and candle lit dinners.  Turn offs include you.

AKA:  No known aliases.

Permagos is PD's resident convict, and posts from prison.  He was convicted of gross indecency in 1982, and will never see daylight again (see picture for further info), despite the fact that nobody saw what it was that he did, and the victims aren't talking.  His appeal, based on the fact that he never actually got a trial, has been rejected regularly every year and oddly coincides with the retirements of the appellate court judges assigned with his review.  His parole board consists of Richter ("NO").  Permagos survives on a diet of rats, which he captures in the darker corners of the oubliette into which he was flung.  Turn ons include <redacted>.  Turn offs include the United States judicial system. 

Picture:  Pending
AKA:  The Dark Empress, The Skinsaw Queen, Richard Milhous Nixon

Nigel served as the President of the United States from 1969 to 1974, when she was impeached for gross imposition after using her strap on, "The Crippler", on a joint session of congress to "teach those fat bastards a thing or two".  She escaped custody with the assistance of Spiro Agnew (who was gunned down by G-Men in the process), and has engaged in a running gun battle with the FBI ever since.  She is responsible for numerous bank robberies, mass beatings, and the destruction of Tacoma via nuclear weaponry.  She recently had herself ritually scarred by Polynesian tribesmen in Portland, Oregon...Who she then killed, as they accidentally left the camera in when they sewed her up.  As such, she is - though adopted into the tribe - the last surviving member of her people.  Nigel is currently studying neuroscience for reasons best left unexamined, and produces very high quality glasswork, when she isn't gunning down G-men while doing bad James Cagney imitations.  Nigel ritually slays her mates, much like a praying mantis, and gnaws on their skulls when she's stressed.  She then lays eggs in the manner of salmon, though she doesn't die afterwards.  SHE DOESN'T DIE.  Despite the crimes of her presidency and escape, she is to date the only person to TELL TUCSON WHAT and make it SIT DOWN AND SHUT UP for ten friggin' minutes.  Nigel's presence can be detected by the sudden silence of animals and birds.  They know.  THEY KNOW.

AKA:  The Hammer of the Free Thinkers, Holy Shit What Is That, et al.

"In 489 AD, a ship was sighted off the coast of Houston, Texas.  The locals, thinking it a trading ship from Flanders, hurried to the shore.  What greeted them was mayhem; none of the greeting party survived, save their leader...a skinny wretch by the name of Derrick Broze, who abandoned his people and fled into the city.  The invader followed, bearing axe and fire.  The vast treasuries of the Free Thinker Safe Houses were placed in his right front pocket, and he left...For a time.  The age of Bearman was upon the realm, and no hipster was safe in his person or his riches."
- Winston Churchhill, The History of the English Speaking Peoples, volume I

Following the subjugation of Houston, Bearman and his shield-bearer (a sweet-looking yet monstrous young woman known only as "Binks", whose crimes defy written description) went on to sack most of Texas.  Replete with his ill-gained treasures, he looked to other pursuits.  He starred as the entire cast of Ben Hur, and invented golf, just to see what kind of dumbasses would play it.  He then drank Dallas (this is literal; I do not refer to the obscure sports term).  He is currently hiring himself out as a wrecking ball.  During all this, his search for the coward Derrick Broze continues.  Turn ons include booze and mass casualties.  Turn offs include militant atheists, free market tards, and butter.

Picture:  Pending
AKA:  Sir Squid Diddimus, Tinkerbell

Squiddy is an enormous Black man who terrorizes blue-haired old White ladies somewhere in Florida.  She has the strength of 10 men, and uses this terrible force to tear the colostomy bags right off of retirees.  Just for kicks.  She then makes balloon animals out of them, and gives them to unsuspecting tourists at Disneyland.  Despite all this, Squiddy is famed for her tolerance towards stupid people of all types, and in fact arranges day trips to the Everglades for members of the Tea Party.  They must enjoy this, as none have ever come forward to complain.  The only dark period in her life involved the dreadful fate of her cat's penis, for which we all feel really, really badly.  Squid has been known to send cheerful greeting cards to unsuspecting PD members.  The less said about that, the better.  Turn ons include the It's A Small World ride and large crowds of people on hot days.  Turn offs include certain Catholic presidents, whom she fixed but fucking good.

Picture:  Server incapable of processing.
AKA:  No known aliases.

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20130529 3:21AM PDt ad 113 +DC Volcano News (-C

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--- Quote from: hirley0 on May 10, 2013, 01:20:14 pm ---MaybeMaybe NotMaybe

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I do doubt i'LL be paying much attention under the new rules
2013-05-10 23:10:59-07:00    40.352°N 124.647°W
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AKA:  The One-Man Potato Famine

Twid is the human name adopted by a mutated Irishman who has learned via that mutation to stand upright, speak (albeit in very small words), and even type, after a fashion.  He is, like all his people, a complete savage, and he spends all his time running around trying to undo LMNO's saintly good deeds  Example:  LMNO rescued a kitten from a tree, Twid threw it back up into the tree.  Where it died.

Twid comes out at night, not unlike a Morlock, leading his "people" to greater and greater heights of depravity and cannibalism.  The only hope you have, should they get on your trail, is to drop cans of Hormel corned beef (who the fuck eats that shit?), and run like hell for a well-lit area.  WARNING:  Never run for the subway station.  For the love of God. 

Twid smells like Guinness poured into a full ashtray, and therefore you know he's coming, even in pitch darkness.  When not attacking innocent Bostonians, he sits in a filthy garrett with all the windows papered over, and writes obscene letters to members of the British royalty, inviting him to "kiss the Blarney stone", by which he does not mean the santified boulder in Ireland that by legend allows Irish people to speak coherently (utter superstition).  His turn ons include long pig and whiskey cut with lighter fluid.  His turn offs include bipedal motion.

AKA:  International MAN OF DANGER.

P3nt is a Scotsman.  Normally, I'd just stop there, but P3nt has risen above his people's stony silence, heroin addiction, and perpetual infighting.  P3nt makes Jack Churchhill look like a screeching little girl, and once killed a man by hitting him with a kayak.  Note that the kayak wasn't in the water at the time; this occurred at a Kirsty McColl concert in 1998.  P3nt hauled it out of his pocket and beat the guy to death for trying to sing along with the esteemed Ms McColl, which is the only thing or person in the world that P3nt will not eventually kill.

P3nt has been courting Ms McColl for 20 years now.  As he is in every way a gentleman, he has not indulged in the usual Scots courtship rituals of abduction and general mayhem, but instead contents himself with heaving telephone poles ("cabres") through her hotel window when she's in town.  He has gnawed his affections on the poles first, in the manner of his people, which she has misinterpreted as being stalked by a large and very cross beaver.

Despite this heartache, P3nt continues to galavant around the world, squashing anarchist organizations everywhere, in the name of John Balliol.  Nobody has the heart to tell him that Balliol has been dead for 800 years.  His turn ons include you.  His turn offs include Cartesian duality, in which we are all mired.

AKA:  John Major

Junkenstien is an Englishman, who insists on all the sins that go with that vice.  He swills tea like a Goddamn wet/dry vac, drinks warm beer with bits of pond life in it, and willfully eating Tika Masala even when not stinking drunk.  He watches "football", which in civilized lands is called "soccer", and gets good and fucking housed during any "match" (game), whereupon he leaves the pub without his pants, looking for CCTV cameras to sex.  The CCTV operators hate and fear him, and sit at their consoles helplessly weeping and shitting themselves. 

Junkenstien has, due to internet conversations, learned to speak actual English in some small manner, and this has caused great consernation among his fellow filthy fucking animals.  For example, when he says he's going to "pop around for a packet of fags", he doesn't mean cigarettes.  No.  He means it's going to be a busy, busy weekend. 

The most important thing to remember, for any new American members reading this, is that Junkenstien hates you like you were Goering's piss boy, and refers to Americans as "ignorant colonials", and constantly petitions the admiralty to round up the fleet and retake the British empire's former holdings in North America.  Do not be fooled by his calm and educated manner.  That is an Eliza bot he uses as a "clever Hans" to keep you occupied while he datamines you for later carnage.  Then he smokes more opium and forgets.  Mostly.   His turn ons include Sean Hannity.  His turn offs include shepherd's pie.

Waffle Man:
Picture:  Pending
AKA: Dr Uke

Waffle Man is a nuclear physicist from Belgium.  He has won the Wolfe Award for Mathematics, the Nobel Prize for Know It All, and has been knighted by the king of Belgium.  Waffle Man discovered and isolated the rum atom, and noted that you can observe a bottle of rum, or the quantity of rum inside the bottle, but not both...And also that the rum is in fact effected by the observer (and vice versa). 

Waffle Man has taken a stand against nuclear weapons, on the grounds that "they aren't sporting", and utterly refuses to hunt with them.  He is also quoted as saying "If I have seen farther, it because I was standing behind midgets", and refers to Einstien as "That half-wit from Austria".  Waffle Man has on several occasions spoken out against recent American interventionism in Western Europe.  When told that neither Iraq nor Afghanistan are part of Europe at all, he replied, "Shut your stinking face", and then returned to his rum experiments.  His turn ons include rum.  His turn offs include empty rum bottles.

AKA: Posh Spice

Jez is a 1%er who lives in Illinois, and spends a lot of time wondering why You People "choose to live that way, what with the dumpster thing and all".  She doesn't know where her food comes from, and she doesn't care.  She has people for that.  To be fair, she does do a lot of charity work, making sure that underprivileged children can get tummy tucks.

The one good thing that can be said about Jez is that she viciously opposes Sarah Palin, on account of how "Nobody that trashy should be allowed near public office.  Just LOOK at her.  That's not even a Gucci bag, that thing is a cheap FAKE."  Jez heats her home by having Her People throw orphans in the furnace.  Her turn ons include proper fashion sense.  Her turn offs include wearing white shoes after labor day.

AKA:  40 year old fat guy from the internets.

As can be seen from the above picture, Suu is a large red lizard that wears silly hats and preys on passers-by (the woman in that pic is FUCKED).  This is not, mind you, unusual in the Federal Hill district of Providence, and is in fact ranked the #3 hazard, just ahead of angry mafiosa and just behind EoC's attempts at parking.  Lizard-related deaths are up 120% over last year, and the governor is helpless to do anything about it.  Hell, the lieutenant governor was eaten just last week.  It's INSANE.  If you live in Providence, listen to me.  Listen to me.  LISTEN. TO. ME.  Don't look, just RUN.  Remember, you only have to outrun your friends.  That's harsh, but it is the reality we live with today.

Continued downthread, because of stupid arbitrary character limits.

Mesozoic Mister Nigel:
 :lulz: :lulz: :lulz:

This is gonna be great.

Nephew Twiddleton:
This is awesome!

Doktor Howl:
All bios will be edited into the first two posts, so check in often.


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