DEAR PROVIDENCE

[Suu]

SINCE I WILL BE STAYING IN YOUR FAIR CITY FOR AT LEAST 2 MORE FUCKING MISERABLE YEARS, I REQUIRE THAT CERTAIN DEMANDS BE MET:

THIS DOG SHIT ON THE SIDEWALK THING HAS TO STOP. IF YOU WON'T ENFORCE THE $50-$500 FINES, I WILL. WITH MY FUCKING SHOVEL OVER THE DOG OWNER'S HEAD.

HIPSTERS. THEY HAVE TO GO. I DON'T CARE WHERE YOU PUT THEM, BUT THEY NEED TO BE REMOVED FROM FEDERAL HILL AND ADJACENT TERRITORIES (ARMORY, WEST END, AND YES, EVEN OLNEYVILLE) WHICH THEY COLLECTIVELY AND FOR NO REASON CALL IT THE "WEST SIDE" AS A WAY TO MAKE THEM FEEL SPECIAL BECAUSE WE ARE NOT THE EAST SIDE. PUT THEM ON SMITH HILL FOR ALL I CARE. CATHOLIC COLLEGE STUDENTS AND METHHEADS SHOULD MAKE THEM FEEL RIGHT AT HOME.

THE EAST SIDE NEEDS TO BE REMINDED, DAILY, THAT THEY ARE NOT DARTMOUTH ST. IN BOSTON -OR- HARVARD SQUARE. HARVARD STUDENTS ARE MORE DOWN TO EARTH AND ACTUALLY NICE COMPARED TO THOSE ATTENDING THE UNIVERSITY THAT DESCRIBES THE COLOR OF SHIT.

THE HURRICANE BARRIER NEEDS TO WORK FOR AT LEAST 2-3 MORE SEASONS. SANDY WOULD HAVE TURNED DOWNCITY INTO A TIDAL POOL. AGAIN.

YOU ARE NOT BOSTON, AND YOU ARE CERTAINLY NOT NEW YORK. CHECK YOUR FUCKING PRIVILEGE SINCE YOU AIN'T GOT NONE.

YOU WANT BUSINESSES? STOP TEARING DOWN BUILDINGS TO MAKE PARKING LOTS OR SELLING THEM ON THE CHEAP TO JWU, RISD AND BROWN. WE HAVE THE LARGEST UNOCCUPIED BUILDING IN NEW ENGLAND SITTING DOWNTOWN, AND I'D BE DAMNED IF IT TURNS INTO MORE UPSCALE COLLEGIATE HOUSING FOR TRUST FUND BABIES AND DEPRIVES THIS CITY OF VALUABLE TAX REVENUE WE REALLY FUCKING NEED.

ALLOW FOR OPEN SEASON ON RISD STUDENTS IF THEY SETTLE ON THE 'WEST SIDE' TO 'START THEIR CAREERS' WHILE SUCKING OFF THE TEET OF THEIR TRUST FUNDS. FUCK YOU AND YOUR OVERPRICED ART SCHOOL.

FEDERAL HILL NEEDS TO BE JACKED UP A FEW FEET SO WE'RE ON PAR WITH COLLEGE HILL. THIS WILL MAKE MY BALLISTAS AIM BETTER, AND ENSURE THAT IF THAT FUCKING HURRICANE BARRIER BREAKS, WE'RE NOT SWIMMING DOWN I-95.

PAY MORE HOMAGE TO H.P. LOVECRAFT AND EDGAR ALLEN POE. TELL THE FAMILIES TO FUCK OFF, THEY ARE IMPORTANT PARTS OF THE LITERARY HISTORY AND CULTURE OF THIS CITY.

REMIND BOSTON THE REVOLUTION STARTED HERE.

OUTLAW CONNECTICUT TOURISTS.

OUTLAW DIABETICS.

KEEP ON TRUCKIN'.


FOREVER YOUR 40-YEAR OLD FAT MAN-PRINCESS,

KAOUSUU

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Hey- take the revolution thing up with lexington. We just waste tea and make fake cannons.

[Suu]

Hey- take the revolution thing up with lexington. We just waste tea and make fake cannons.

Providence had a tea party too, it was right on the river where RISD is now. There is one plaque, and people barely talk about it. Why? Because not only did they throw the tea into the water, they killed all the English, burned them, ripped their bodies apart, burned the boat, and let them all sink to the bottom of the Providence River. We didn't have to dress like like namby pamby Indians, no sir. We didn't care about being caught, because everyone was getting killed anyway. You assholes can't even name your battles after the right hill it was fought on.

[Doktor Howl]

Hey- take the revolution thing up with lexington. We just waste tea and make fake cannons.

Providence had a tea party too, it was right on the river where RISD is now. There is one plaque, and people barely talk about it. Why? Because not only did they throw the tea into the water, they killed all the English, burned them, ripped their bodies apart, burned the boat, and let them all sink to the bottom of the Providence River. We didn't have to dress like like namby pamby Indians, no sir. We didn't care about being caught, because everyone was getting killed anyway. You assholes can't even name your battles after the right hill it was fought on.

Link to your battle?

[Suu]

Hey- take the revolution thing up with lexington. We just waste tea and make fake cannons.

Providence had a tea party too, it was right on the river where RISD is now. There is one plaque, and people barely talk about it. Why? Because not only did they throw the tea into the water, they killed all the English, burned them, ripped their bodies apart, burned the boat, and let them all sink to the bottom of the Providence River. We didn't have to dress like like namby pamby Indians, no sir. We didn't care about being caught, because everyone was getting killed anyway. You assholes can't even name your battles after the right hill it was fought on.

Link to your battle?

This is the ONE PLAQUE we have downtown:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/irvinstafford/526831580/lightbox/

I'm looking for a better source right now.  Everything keeps coming up from the Boston Tea Party or modern teabaggers. You will also like the Gaspee Affair.

[Doktor Howl]

Blocked.   

[Doktor Howl]

Was it this one?

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gasp%C3%A9e_Affair

[Suu]

Yep.

this one give a short summary, but no juicy details. I may have to recommend some books for you. Rhode Islanders were fucking NASTY during the Rev War.

http://webserver.rilin.state.ri.us/RhodeIslandHistory/chapt3.html

[Cuddlefish]

HIPSTERS. THEY HAVE TO GO. I DON'T CARE WHERE YOU PUT THEM, BUT THEY NEED TO BE REMOVED FROM FEDERAL HILL AND ADJACENT TERRITORIES (ARMORY, WEST END, AND YES, EVEN OLNEYVILLE)...

This is really becoming a problem, and it's not just Providence. They're like fucking tribbles or something.

[Suu]

Goddamnit, Dimo. We can't let this shit keep happening. We have a reputation to uphold. One of olive oil dripping dago guinea fucks like ourselves. I blame AS220 and food trucks.

[Cuddlefish]

I blame AS220 and food trucks.

Agreed. While I enjoy Poco-Loco, it would be a small cost to commit it to the flames if it meant being rid of those meddling fucks once and for all.

As far as AS220 goes, they're half the reason why any douchebag with a bad mustache thinks they can be in a band. I'm beginning to hate this place...

[Suu]

I blame AS220 and food trucks.

Agreed. While I enjoy Poco-Loco, it would be a small cost to commit it to the flames if it meant being rid of those meddling fucks once and for all.

As far as AS220 goes, they're half the reason why any douchebag with a bad mustache thinks they can be in a band. I'm beginning to hate this place...

I really want to know why hipsters go to Scurvy Dog, too. I mean, go to fucking Julian's with the rest of your snooty fucks, stay away from our punk rock bar.

Also, this is my Yelp review of Julian's. Fuck those guys:

http://www.yelp.com/biz/julians-providence#hrid:nkfW9XRfLn-X-37r50-SNA/src:self