PANGO! INTERNATIONAL: HOSTILE TAKEOVER OF DISCORDICORP™

[PANGO!]

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
PANGO! INTERNATIONAL OFFICIAL BUSINESS DEPARTMENT

ATTENTION DOGS:

DUE TO PLAINLY EVIDENT REALITY THAT "DISCORDICORP" HAS PRODUCED APPROXIMATELY ZERO THINGS OF ANY VALUE FOR QUITE SOME TIME, IS HEREBY DECLARED THAT PANGO! INTERNATIONAL IS MAKE OFFER* TO PURCHASING** "DISCORDICORP" FOR FULL MARKET VALUE OF $0.00USD PER SHARE.

AS MOST REASONABLE TERMS OF STATED ARRANGEMENT, PANGO! INTERNATIONAL (P!I) PROMISE TO ABIDE*** BY FOLLOWING GUIDELINES:

   
• P!I WILL NOT HARM DISCORDIAN BRAND BY RELEASING ANYTHING UNDER SAID BRAND WHICH WOULD EMBARRASS DISCORDIANS. FOR EXAMPLE, P!I PROMISE NOT TO DEVELOP AND PUBLISH "DISCORDIAN GUIDE TO PORTLAND AREA PUBLIC RESTROOM DO'S AND DON'TS" .
• P!I WILL NOT DECLARE OWNERSHIP OR SPIRITUAL LEADERSHIP OF "DISCORDIANISM IN GENERAL." SPECIFICALLY, P!I WILL ABSOLUTELY NOT DECLARE ALL CURRENTLY LIVING DISCORDIANS APOSTATES AND/OR MOLES PLANTED BY THE FIRST PRESBYTERIAN CHURCH OF PLANK, TEXAS.
• P!I WILL NOT AMEND OR ABOLISH CURRENT CORPORATE MISSION STATEMENT OF DISCORDICORP™, ALSO KNOWN INFORMALLY AS THE "LICK IT BEFORE YOU STICK IT" RULE.
• UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCE WILL THIS HOSTILE TAKEOVER RESULT IN LOSS OF ANY PAID, FULL-TIME EMPLOYMENT POSITIONS AT DISCORDICORP™.

PANGO! INTERNATIONAL FEEL MARKET IS IN RIGHT PLACE FOR THIS MANEUVER, AND HOPE TO MAKE STRONG FRIENDSHIP WITH EVERY LITTLE PEOPLE WHO COMPRISE DISCORDICORP™. TOGETHER WE WILL STRONG LIKE OX, AND INVEST LARGE MONEY IN SCIENCE!







* IN SAME SENSE AS BANK ROBBER MAKE "OFFER" TO TAKE ALL TROUBLESOME CASH FROM HANDS OF POOR OVERWORKED DESK CLERK.
** BY "PURCHASE" WE USE TRADITIONAL SALAZOREAN DEFINITION, WHICH IS ANALOGOUS TO ENGLISH "SWINDLE."
*** FOR AT LEAST THREE DAYS.

SIGNED

DK. PANGO GILLESPI
OWNER & CEO
PANGO! INTERNATIONAL

[Pæs]

I welcome our new corporate overlords with open arms*.

*KNOWN TO BE SALAZOREAN DECLARATION OF WAR. YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE.

[Doktor Howl]

I'm down with this.

Pango makes my pants tight.

[PANGO!]

I welcome our new corporate overlords with open arms*.

*KNOWN TO BE SALAZOREAN DECLARATION OF WAR. YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE.

NO WORRY. TAKING YOU ALIVE WAS NEVER PART OF PLAN.

I'm down with this.

Pango makes my pants tight.

MAYBE YOU THINK IS GOOD IDEA NOW, BUT WAIT UNTIL FIRST FEW COMPANYWIDE MEMORANDUMS GO OUT.

IN FACT, PROBABLY BEST TO GET JANITOR TO STOCK UP BROOM CLOSET WITH BOXES OF DEPENDS AHEAD OF TIME.

[Count Chocula]

Pango sound like Uncle Enrico 

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

What if we refuse? Speaking purely hypothetically, of course.

[Salty]

Will I keep my benefits?

[PANGO!]

Pango sound like Uncle Enrico 

YOU NOT KNOW PANGO!'S DECIDEDLY IMPRESSIVE STORY. PANGO! WILL TELL YOU SOMETIME. NOT NOW, DOG. TOO BUSY COMPILING BUSINESS PAPERS FOR HANDLING BY INSIDE MAN AT I.R.S.

Will I keep my benefits?

ALL DISCORDICORP™ BENEFITS WILL REMAIN IN PLACE. AS LONGTIME ENDENTURED SERVANT EMPLOYEE OF DISCORDICORP™ DOUBTLESSLY YOU REMEMBER BENEFIT PACKAGE INCLUDE TWO SHOWERS PER WEEK AND ONE HOUR EXERCISE IN ARTIFICIAL SUNLIGHT PER DAY.

[PANGO!]

What if we refuse? Speaking purely hypothetically, of course.

EMPLOYMENT, LIKE PERMISSION TO CONTINUE SUCKING DOWN PANGO! INTERNATIONAL BRAND OXYGEN, IS ENTIRELY AT-WILL AND NO PARTY IS UNDER COMPULSION OR OBLIGATION TO CONTINUE DOING EITHER.

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

What if we refuse? Speaking purely hypothetically, of course.

EMPLOYMENT, LIKE PERMISSION TO CONTINUE SUCKING DOWN PANGO! INTERNATIONAL BRAND OXYGEN, IS ENTIRELY AT-WILL AND NO PARTY IS UNDER COMPULSION OR OBLIGATION TO CONTINUE DOING EITHER.

I was wondering what that tingly feeling in my face was.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

PANGO! I would like you to consider my offer of dinner at my place. PANGO! will have a few glasses of wine and relax, relax, relax.

[PANGO!]

PANGO! I would like you to consider my offer of dinner at my place. PANGO! will have a few glasses of wine and relax, relax, relax.

PANGO! MUST GRACIOUSLY DECLINE DINNER AT THIS TIME, WITH LEGITIMATE SADNESS FEELING, AS PANGO! ADVANCED PHYSIOLOGY PRECLUDES ASSIMILATION OF NUTRITIONAL UNITS VIA FACEPORTAL. HOWEVER PANGO! GLADLY WILL CONSUME HUMAN-GRADE INTOXIFICATION FLUID AT EARLIEST OPPORTUNITY.

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

I smell romance in the air . . . just think of all the profit when the PANGO! and Nigel! posters and bobble-heads go on sale.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

DRINKS, PANGO! YOU AND ME AND A BOTTLE OF BOURBON. MAY THE BEST MAN ESCAPE A DISORIENTING ROUND OF SODOMY.

[Cainad (dec.)]

I think our new PANGO! style corporate structure included a slight change to the Human Resources Department.

I mean, it's still called Human Resources, but the whole thing seems a bit more... moist. And literal.