OK Cupid: Round IVXXXIX

[Roly Poly Oly-Garch]

When I receive messages from random strangers who are critical of something in my profile, I absolutely assume that they are trying to neg me. Because why the fuck else would someone who obviously DOESN'T LIKE WHAT I'VE WRITTEN and therefore is someone I'm unlikely to want to date message me? Just to try to make me feel bad about my romantic preferences? Fuck that, that's some self-absorbed entitled bullshit right there.

Because it's a dating site second and the internet first?

[Chelagoras The Boulder]

I can see how someone in a sexless marriage or relationship might feel trapped by said relationship. having said that, theres still the basic consideration for you partner as a person. If your relationship with your significant other is so wretched that you cant even be bothered to put in the work to try and make it better, no amount of on the sly nookie will help you. That's a band-aid solution on a gangrenous wound. Acknowledge your feelings, break it off with your spouse/significant other, you'll probably be happier in the long run. As for this specific case, i feel the guy stops being sympathetic the minute he makes his shitty love life YOUR problem.

[hooplala]

Word.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Precisely.

Trolling is an art and skill.  Any idiot can name-call over the internet.  It takes a master to make others name call, though.

(I really wish the media understood this distinction)

MEEE TOOO

Internet bullying, name-calling, intimidation, or generally being opinionated or a jerk is not "trolling" by any stretch of the imagination.

I wish they wouldn't defile our art so. 

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

When I receive messages from random strangers who are critical of something in my profile, I absolutely assume that they are trying to neg me. Because why the fuck else would someone who obviously DOESN'T LIKE WHAT I'VE WRITTEN and therefore is someone I'm unlikely to want to date message me? Just to try to make me feel bad about my romantic preferences? Fuck that, that's some self-absorbed entitled bullshit right there.

Because it's a dating site second and the internet first?

Oh, well that certainly makes it 100% ok. I should probably go apologize to those guys on TDS.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Seriously dude, if you are really sending messages on dating sites to women calling them out on the elements of their profile you don't care for, you should really critically re-evaluate that behavior in light of predominant social attitudes about women, and review whether it's really compatible with your principles.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Here's another site where you might find people to send nasty PMs to:

http://www.cancerforums.net/forums/15-Leukemia-Forum

It is the internet first, after all.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I can see how someone in a sexless marriage or relationship might feel trapped by said relationship. having said that, theres still the basic consideration for you partner as a person. If your relationship with your significant other is so wretched that you cant even be bothered to put in the work to try and make it better, no amount of on the sly nookie will help you. That's a band-aid solution on a gangrenous wound. Acknowledge your feelings, break it off with your spouse/significant other, you'll probably be happier in the long run. As for this specific case, i feel the guy stops being sympathetic the minute he makes his shitty love life YOUR problem.

Yeah, at that point my response is basically "tell it to your therapist". Taking out your anger about frustrating and/or painful relationship problems on random girls on OK Cupid because you don't like the way they worded their profiles is kiiiinda seriously dysfunctional.

[Roly Poly Oly-Garch]

Seriously dude, if you are really sending messages on dating sites to women calling them out on the elements of their profile you don't care for, you should really critically re-evaluate that behavior in light of predominant social attitudes about women, and review whether it's really compatible with your principles.

And I have, instantly upon reading how you would perceive that in that form.

I think this dude's message...or at least my argument about this dude's message is doing the same thing. It seems to me that the amount of sting that QG's statement  is likely to cause is inversely proportional to the amount of sting I'd personally like to cause for a given scenario. That is for a full-on "I'm bored, and too lazy, passive, and morally self-centered to address the situation like an adult, so I think I'll try to find a poly-chick to bone on the sly," is going to read that and feel a butt-hurt in the 1.5 to 2 range, where a "I've been frustrated, sad, confused, terrified, hopeless, helpless, caring for a mentally ill partner without relief, or physical contact. Have agonized over this state for years. Just had this moment where I tried to masturbate, only to become physically sick, breaking down into tears, and shamefully wishing their sickness would just...take them," is going to feel that comment nearer a 10.

I keep thinking about the reason why I backed off calling things retarded. The people I'd feel the worst for offending are the people that I'd be likely to offend the worst.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Seriously dude, if you are really sending messages on dating sites to women calling them out on the elements of their profile you don't care for, you should really critically re-evaluate that behavior in light of predominant social attitudes about women, and review whether it's really compatible with your principles.

And I have, instantly upon reading how you would perceive that in that form.

I think this dude's message...or at least my argument about this dude's message is doing the same thing. It seems to me that the amount of sting that QG's statement  is likely to cause is inversely proportional to the amount of sting I'd personally like to cause for a given scenario. That is for a full-on "I'm bored, and too lazy, passive, and morally self-centered to address the situation like an adult, so I think I'll try to find a poly-chick to bone on the sly," is going to read that and feel a butt-hurt in the 1.5 to 2 range, where a "I've been frustrated, sad, confused, terrified, hopeless, helpless, caring for a mentally ill partner without relief, or physical contact. Have agonized over this state for years. Just had this moment where I tried to masturbate, only to become physically sick, breaking down into tears, and shamefully wishing their sickness would just...take them," is going to feel that comment nearer a 10.

I keep thinking about the reason why I backed off calling things retarded. The people I'd feel the worst for offending are the people that I'd be likely to offend the worst.

Thing about the latter scenario? A person in that situation needs to tell it to their therapist. That person is not in any kind of situation where they should be seeking to inflict their situation on a single lady or gentleman who is looking for a date, and if they decide they are THAT selfish, they need to be able to brave the reality of occasionally seeing words like "I'm not into cheaters". Especially given the high proportion of straight-up crapweasels on dating sites.

Everyone else on the site is not responsible for them, any more than I am responsible for my schizophrenic former friend who is convinced that any time someone mentions goats it's part of a huge elaborate plot against him.

Being kind, in general? I am in favor of compassion. Gently rewording issues you feel strongly about in your profile on a dating site on the off chance an emotional basket case happens to see it and it cuts them to the core?

That's, honestly, just not a very reasonable request.

[Roly Poly Oly-Garch]

Or it is something that one simply hasn't done because they weren't aware of the potential impact. They put it out there because they were justifiably sick to fucking death of being approached by shallow philanderers, but upon thinking about who all it could be impacting and how,  they decided it wasn't compatible with their principles.

Also, I have a nasty tendency to appoint myself as the person who makes sure people get to deal with things I think they need to be able to deal with. Trying real hard to stop doing that, so that part of your argument kind of lands in that place. Are they going to deal with certain shit? Probably. Would I rather be a reason that is so, or a hedge against it? Different question.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

So on dating sites, then, are we supposed to try to present a true picture of who we are so that others have a chance of gauging whether they would like to spend time with us, or are we supposed to gloss and edit to the point where it might as well be a date arranged by Omegle?

[LMNO]

Attn, NLDM:


You need to stop talking now. 

Take a break, have a coffee or a beer, and then slowly read this thread again, as if you were seeing it for the first time.

Hopefully, you will realize (just as many of us have) that you are acting like a complete tool.


Although, if you want to keep digging, we can help:

[Doktor Howl]

Happens to everyone here, eventually.

I have faith that NLDM is he-man enough to, yanno, stop.

[Roly Poly Oly-Garch]

This is why it all began with "Ugh".

It's a train I had to ride...but I knew it probably couldn't clear that turn.