ITT, My Company Goes Full Retard*

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Has anyone attended any Leadership Workshops™ lately? Because this looks like a bad sign.

DANGER DANGER, CULTISTS INCOMING.

They keep using the words "reorganization" and "refocus." Personally I'm not super worried because I was just told I was moving into a "management" position (read: not real management, but sort of a responsibility buffer between my department and my boss).

Hmmmm those words usually mean something bad, in my experience. They usually mean that somebody screwed up and they brought in a consulting firm to change a bunch of stuff to try to fix it.

[tyrannosaurus vex]

Has anyone attended any Leadership Workshops™ lately? Because this looks like a bad sign.

DANGER DANGER, CULTISTS INCOMING.

They keep using the words "reorganization" and "refocus." Personally I'm not super worried because I was just told I was moving into a "management" position (read: not real management, but sort of a responsibility buffer between my department and my boss).

Hmmmm those words usually mean something bad, in my experience. They usually mean that somebody screwed up and they brought in a consulting firm to change a bunch of stuff to try to fix it.

Totally agree. I don't think they've hired the Bobs yet, though. They're trying to "bring the atmosphere into alignment with company ideals and values." Oh, and they have also prohibited any coffee sweetener that contains real sugar.

[LMNO]

On Thursday and Friday this week, a team of your peers will gather offsite to establish our Values Blueprint. Our goal will be to define the values which [company name redacted] and its employees will embrace, and identify the specific behaviors that will bring those values to life.

We're going to create slogans, and you'll be expected to live up to them.  If you don't, it will count against you in your year-end reviews.  If you really don't, it will probably get you fired.

This is exciting and important work, and essential to completing what we began earlier this year by introducing our new name and our new brand. The essence of a company's brand begins with each and every employee, and having clarity about the values and the behaviors we all should emulate will help reinforce the strength of our brand in the marketplace, as well as significantly enhance our work environment.

Dance, monkey, dance.

That's pretty much it.


Use of "Reorganization" usually means cuts or new responsibilities.

[Cramulus]

Oh, and they have also prohibited any coffee sweetener that contains real sugar.

   WAT IS THIS SPLENDA SHIT??
                                               \





all this shit about "values and behaviors" are one of those corporate things that make my skin crawl.

Like I get that a brand needs to have some kind of philosophy behind it

but I, as a laborer, don't really have the same values as the company. My values involve getting paid and not creating waves which will make my day more difficult. That means I have to internalize some of the company's DNA in order to go with the flow. But seriously though, you don't acquire real values because somebody who signs your pay checks sent you a memo.

[Junkenstein]

But seriously though, you don't acquire real values because somebody who signs your pay checks sent you a memo.

UN-AMERICAN BEHAVIOUR ITT

[LMNO]

You're most likely gonna end up with something that we have here,

"Our core value is PRIDE."
•Professionalism
•Real Value to Our Customers
•Integrity
•Demonstrated Financial Strength
•Employer of Choice

What does this really mean, in terms of your job?  Not much. 

[AFK]

It's a new measurement that will be put on your evaluation, that you will never live up to (using the royal you), and give your employer another reason to never compensate you at your actual worth.

[tyrannosaurus vex]

You're most likely gonna end up with something that we have here,

"Our core value is PRIDE."
•Professionalism
•Real Value to Our Customers
•Integrity
•Demonstrated Financial Strength
•Employer of Choice

What does this really mean, in terms of your job?  Not much. 

Yeah pretty much this.

Knowing this company, I wouldn't be surprised if this entire thing came about simply because the Director of HR has a space on her wall that would be a nice place to put a plaque or something, but she couldn't find anything official enough to fill it.

It's a new measurement that will be put on your evaluation, that you will never live up to (using the royal you), and give your employer another reason to never compensate you at your actual worth.

Well, that would be in keeping with their current Performance Evaluation tactics, which ask you to rate yourself based on how well you completed milestones you set out for yourself at the previous Evaluation, and which have always changed or been cancelled by people higher on the food chain.
DISCLAIMER: REPLYING TO THIS COMMENT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I DON'T HATE YOU ON A VERY PERSONAL LEVEL

[AFK]

I've noticed that seems to be the new wave in performance evaluations.  Give the employee a chance to fill out all or a portion of the evaluation to give them a false sense of domain over thr outcomes.  I just had to give one of my staff an evaluation of that nature.  It asks them to rate themselves in many categories on a scale of one to five with five being exceeding expectations.  But in the instructions I was given as the manager it specifically says paraphrasing "only 5% of employees are actually good enough for fives so try to tone it down mister!"


To which of course I say, "fuck that noise".  If they are fives I'm gonna fucking give them fives.

[Cramulus]

employee self evaluation always struck me as inefficient horseshit

Performance evaluations are great if they provide you with real feedback about how to improve. As somebody who's very out of touch with office culture, I actually do want to hear feedback from my peers because I have no other gauge for if I'm doing my job well.

at my company, you can lose your bonus if you don't do well on performance evaluation -- so it's better to give yourself stupid goals which are not challenging, so you can give yourself top marks on fulfilling those goals. Then your manager signs it, and might add comments. In five years of being here I've never received any actually useful feedback.

Everything that I listed as a weakness on my 2012 self-evaluation I then listed as a strength on my 2013 self-evaluation. Nobody noticed. Next year I'm gonna flip them back.

[LMNO]

My self evaluations are basically (almost) everything I've done that year (or quarter) then my "goal" is something I'M ALREADY WORKING ON, just not completed. So the next evaluation period indicates I've reached my goal, and are already on to the next thing.

It also helps if you're better at the job than you let on.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Well, that would be in keeping with their current Performance Evaluation tactics, which ask you to rate yourself based on how well you completed milestones you set out for yourself at the previous Evaluation, and which have always changed or been cancelled by people higher on the food chain.
DISCLAIMER: REPLYING TO THIS COMMENT DOESN'T MEAN THAT I DON'T HATE YOU ON A VERY PERSONAL LEVEL

Our company does that.  "Write your own review".  This is to get you to talk yourself down.  Modesty doesn't get you a raise.

My performance is always "Godlike".  Then my boss gets pissed off and rewrites my review.  Nothing I do or fail to do seems to have any real effect on my raise, though.

[LMNO]

Nothing I do or fail to do seems to have any real effect on my raise, though.

This is most often the reality of he situation.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Nothing I do or fail to do seems to have any real effect on my raise, though.

This is most often the reality of he situation.

This year, I turned mine in a week late, having in the review commended myself for staying on top of paperwork.

[tyrannosaurus vex]

I've been through 3 review cycles, and I would agree that they are mostly meaningless. They exist solely to fill file cabinets with records so HR feels useful. The first one I did, I noted that I had excelled at every project and task, and marked the "exceeds goal expectation" space. My boss came back to me and said "If you mark that space, it means you have no room for improvement, which means I can't give you a raise to incentivize you."

I'm still not sure if that makes logical sense, but whatever.