ITT, My Company Goes Full Retard*

[tyrannosaurus vex]

So I open up my email this morning, and I see this from the CEO:

Dear Colleagues,
On Thursday and Friday this week, a team of your peers will gather offsite to establish our Values Blueprint. Our goal will be to define the values which [company name redacted] and its employees will embrace, and identify the specific behaviors that will bring those values to life. This is exciting and important work, and essential to completing what we began earlier this year by introducing our new name and our new brand. The essence of a company's brand begins with each and every employee, and having clarity about the values and the behaviors we all should emulate will help reinforce the strength of our brand in the marketplace, as well as significantly enhance our work environment.

Am I right to be slightly creeped out by the strongly "Corpwellian" language in this statement, or am I just seeing something that is now commonplace and safe to ignore?









*The phrase "full retard" is not intended to disparage or mock anyone who is living with a developmental disability.

[McGrupp]

It's amazing how a full paragraph can convey so little. I'm still trying to figure out exactly what will happen on thursday and friday, other than that it will be both exciting and important.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

This doesn't look like benefits weaseling, this looks like "I need to get everyone on board as a BELIEVER, so that when the brand fails, I can spread the love around."

Whatever it is he's pushing, HE doesn't believe in it.

[tyrannosaurus vex]

It's amazing how a full paragraph can convey so little. I'm still trying to figure out exactly what will happen on thursday and friday, other than that it will be both exciting and important.

Translated to English, I think it says "Some of us will be deciding on new rules for you all to follow, and they're going to be mandatory."

[tyrannosaurus vex]

This doesn't look like benefits weaseling, this looks like "I need to get everyone on board as a BELIEVER, so that when the brand fails, I can spread the love around."

Whatever it is he's pushing, HE doesn't believe in it.

she*

Your interpretation sounds almost sinister.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

This doesn't look like benefits weaseling, this looks like "I need to get everyone on board as a BELIEVER, so that when the brand fails, I can spread the love around."

Whatever it is he's pushing, HE doesn't believe in it.

she*

Your interpretation sounds almost sinister.

Almost as if meaningless-sounding memos could conceal something sinister.  Crazy, right?

[Suu]

It's amazing how a full paragraph can convey so little. I'm still trying to figure out exactly what will happen on thursday and friday, other than that it will be both exciting and important.

Translated to English, I think it says "Some of us will be deciding on new rules for you all to follow, and they're going to be mandatory."

But it's EXCITING.

[tyrannosaurus vex]

This doesn't look like benefits weaseling, this looks like "I need to get everyone on board as a BELIEVER, so that when the brand fails, I can spread the love around."

Whatever it is he's pushing, HE doesn't believe in it.

she*

Your interpretation sounds almost sinister.

Almost as if meaningless-sounding memos could conceal something sinister.  Crazy, right?

It may indicate that the Suits have the impression that the company is experiencing "growing pains" due to the fact that we mere underlings do not have the right Values. In fact that's pretty much what it says outright. "You people do not have the correct values. Therefore, we will be herding a few of you into a room to educate them on what the correct values are, and then they will go forth to educate the rest of you." Also it has the definite subtext of "Or Else."

[P3nT4gR4m]

I'm guessing you don't work in the kind of place where punching someone in the face for coming away with bullshit like "values blueprint" is an acceptable response to a memo like this?

[tyrannosaurus vex]

I'm guessing you don't work in the kind of place where punching someone in the face for coming away with bullshit like "values blueprint" is an acceptable response to a memo like this?

No, but I suspect my immediate urge to do that very thing in response to this is one of the values they seek to correct.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

This doesn't look like benefits weaseling, this looks like "I need to get everyone on board as a BELIEVER, so that when the brand fails, I can spread the love around."

Whatever it is he's pushing, HE doesn't believe in it.

she*

Your interpretation sounds almost sinister.

Almost as if meaningless-sounding memos could conceal something sinister.  Crazy, right?

It may indicate that the Suits have the impression that the company is experiencing "growing pains" due to the fact that we mere underlings do not have the right Values. In fact that's pretty much what it says outright. "You people do not have the correct values. Therefore, we will be herding a few of you into a room to educate them on what the correct values are, and then they will go forth to educate the rest of you." Also it has the definite subtext of "Or Else."

Which is another way of saying "We have made a stupid decision, but WE sure as hell aren't taking responsibility for it."

[Junkenstein]

It's amazing how a full paragraph can convey so little. I'm still trying to figure out exactly what will happen on thursday and friday, other than that it will be both exciting and important.

Translated to English, I think it says "Some of us will be deciding on new rules for you all to follow, and they're going to be mandatory."

Not Rules - Values.

Because the value system of a corporate entity is important. Without the right Values(TM) it might just go utterly insane. It might not try for ever increasing profits to the benefits of the shareholders. It might try to include some kind of social justice. Values must be instilled to thwart such behaviour at all costs.

Appropriate Values are Cutting cost, increasing productivity and increasing the almighty profit potential until it looks like a Jerry Springer obesity special guest. Anything else is clearly evil.

[P3nT4gR4m]

I'm guessing you don't work in the kind of place where punching someone in the face for coming away with bullshit like "values blueprint" is an acceptable response to a memo like this?

No, but I suspect my immediate urge to do that very thing in response to this is one of the values they seek to correct.

No shit man, I applaud your ability to hold down a job like that. I have been scientifically proven to be incapable of working with "the public" for similar reasons and I'm pretty sure if a memo like that landed on my desk that my current tenure would conclude pretty shortly thereafter with a side order of jail time. 

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Has anyone attended any Leadership Workshops™ lately? Because this looks like a bad sign.

DANGER DANGER, CULTISTS INCOMING.

[tyrannosaurus vex]

Has anyone attended any Leadership Workshops™ lately? Because this looks like a bad sign.

DANGER DANGER, CULTISTS INCOMING.

They keep using the words "reorganization" and "refocus." Personally I'm not super worried because I was just told I was moving into a "management" position (read: not real management, but sort of a responsibility buffer between my department and my boss).