Attn Phineas T Poxwattle

[Phineas T. Poxwattle]

"It's a couch"

"It's a fuck bag"

"It's a couch"

"It's a fuck bag"

Stop it you two numbskulls! It's both!





Here's some hockey tape and some petroleum jelly, knock yourselves out.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

My little pony seems to have turned me into a hawaiian space fish. Id pray to pele to fix it but the profit pbuh (paying bucks ultimately helps) forbids it. Plus fish and volcanos dont get along too swimmingly. More fix please.

[P3nT4gR4m]

Poxwattle, I accidentally kicked myself in the NADZ. I think I broke all the toes on my right foot. How do I make them grow back?

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Poxwattle, I'm all backed up, and I no longer have the endurance for the sustained screaming discipline I've been practicing since March. Have you a cure for what ails me?

[EK WAFFLR]

Poxtwattle, I thank you for curing me .

However, since then I have rather unexpectedly become a twatwaffle. How do I mend this?

[Bebek Sincap Ratatosk]

Poxwattle,

I have a bad case of the Heebies and I'm concerned that I may also get the Jeebies as well. What can I do to cure the Heebies and ward off the Jeebies?

[Phineas T. Poxwattle]

My little pony seems to have turned me into a hawaiian space fish. Id pray to pele to fix it but the profit pbuh (paying bucks ultimately helps) forbids it. Plus fish and volcanos dont get along too swimmingly. More fix please.

Sorry son, I thought you wanted to be a hawaiian space fish.

I can't do anything for you, but I will sell you this aquarium full of gin.

I've also got some mint seeds you can plant in it. Swim right up that's a good fish!

[Phineas T. Poxwattle]

Poxwattle, I accidentally kicked myself in the NADZ. I think I broke all the toes on my right foot. How do I make them grow back?

*bites coin*, Mm

Thank you very much, son. Here's what I can do for you. I can teach you an aerobic exercise which will stimulate the vescicles and tubules in your joints, promoting growth and regeneration.

Stand up straight now. Hands at your side. Eyes forward. Back straight, son! No slouching!

Take your right foot in your left hand. Now throw it over your shoulder.
Now take your left foot in your right hand. Now throw it over the other shoulder.

There's a good boy.

Do this about 81 times a day and your piggies will be wiggling in no time flat.

[Phineas T. Poxwattle]

Poxwattle, I'm all backed up, and I no longer have the endurance for the sustained screaming discipline I've been practicing since March. Have you a cure for what ails me?

No endurance? Backed up? Frog in your throat? Has Phineas T Poxwattle got something to cure you?

*cups his ear to the crowd*

Folks, this is where you shout "Hell yes"

NOW

Has Phineas T Poxwattle got something to cure you?

*cups his ear to the crowd*



Come on, guys. What is this, a cricket convention? Alright, anyway,

step right up, Miss. Right here, what I've got, is a bottle of gen-u-ine tonic water. I want you to mix this with some of the gin from that fish tank over there, and apply it liberally to your liver and kidneys by way of your mouth.

THAT'S NOT FAST ENOUGH, you say?

I will sell you this box of tampons, which you can use to absorb the gin and ingest it through your derriere.

Don't pay any attention to the hawaiian space fish.

[Cainad (dec.)]

P.T. Poxwattle!

I have a serious problem with snake-oil salesmen. I keep buying their snake oil and now my house is so full of snake oil jars that I can't hardly get around my own home. This slick shine you see all over me is not sweat: I am literally covered in snake oil. My wife has taken the kids off to her mother's house until I can get my problem sorted out.

Can you help?

[Phineas T. Poxwattle]

Poxwattle,

I have a bad case of the Heebies and I'm concerned that I may also get the Jeebies as well. What can I do to cure the Heebies and ward off the Jeebies?

What has old Phineas got in his bag today?

*rummaging*

speculum...

fishing wire...

brimbles & zads....

Cinnamon Toast Crunch...

AHAH!


Son, this will cure what ails ye: a T-Shirt that says #YOLO

You only live once, son. Let everybody know.

[Phineas T. Poxwattle]

P.T. Poxwattle!

I have a serious problem with snake-oil salesmen. I keep buying their snake oil and now my house is so full of snake oil jars that I can't hardly get around my own home. This slick shine you see all over me is not sweat: I am literally covered in snake oil. My wife has taken the kids off to her mother's house until I can get my problem sorted out.

Can you help?

Can Phineas T Poxwattle help?

They say there are no stupid questions, only stupid people, and as my old friend PT Barnum used to say, uh, "Cash or credit?"

Can Phineas T Poxwattle help?

Why just look around you. *subtly pulls blanket over the fish tank and unconscious bodies surrounding it*

Too much snake oil, you say? You've got pills out the gills? Too much medical junk in your trunk?

Here's what I've got for you. A top hat. A cane. A tin of mustache wax. A soap box. A Dream!

You, yes YOU, can make unbelievable money by hocking snake oil, home remedies, homeopathic chicanery, and sugar pills. All you need is a half dozen complete boobs, halfwits, nitwits, cockleberries, numbskulls, spags, macguffins, and tin foil hat wearing cranks.

I'll get you started!

*pushes Cainad up onto the soap box, wipes his forehead with a cloth, sits down, exhausted*

[Cainad (dec.)]

*stumbles a bit before regaining balance*

Oh, um... very well then!

COME ONE, COME ALL! I've got solutions to your problems that are so spectacular, you'll forget what your problem was in the first place!

These remedies are practically once in a lifetime opportunities, depending on the statute of limitation for quackery in this region!

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Mr cainad- youre all trippy colored. That might be the gin talking i dunno. My heads full of coffee flavored cotton balls and friday time is two hours away and times all wonky and slow due to relevatistic effects. Thanks a lot einstein. Anyway. Cotton balls.

[Freeky]

Dr. Cainad!  I have the most awful case of wolf bites and Wobuffet poomp!  What can you do for me?