I am now a preventionist

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Did you know, gentle readers, that every year over 50 Peruvian children are gored to death by wild llamas?  That this has been going on for as long as man has coexisted with llamas?  Yet assets sometimes believe that beasts of burden are "cool", and they fall into a pattern of abuse that leads to brain damage, social interaction problems, and the antlers of a 12-point llama fatally rammed through their torsos.

Part of the problem is the cutural approval via celebrities of dangerous practices concerning beasts of burden.  Juan Valdez, for example, is constantly shown living the easy life of a coffee bean farmer, using a mule with no sign of the ill effects thereof.  But the main stream media and Hollywood never talk about what happened to him in the early 1980s...Gored by a bull llama, and hurled off a mountain trail to his death a thousand feet below.  They only show him happily bopping up and down his mountains, doing quality control on one bean at a time.

You will hear people say that llamas should be legalized in this country, that it's everyone's right to keep the animal of their choice as a pet or even a means of income.  What this would do, of course, is allow Big Llama to cash in, and in the process make llamas more accessible to our assets.

Our assets are our most precious commidity.  Which is why any of the little bastards caught with llamas should be given the bastinado and then thrown in the obliettes under the Tucson City Center for life without trial.  For the children.  I mean the assets.

LLAMAS:  NOT EVEN ONCE.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

I hear llamas wear AIDS rings. I want MORE POLICE AT OUR SCHOOLS.

[Kai]

 

So, does that mean Alpacas are alright? They kill more people, but obviously because they're legal it means they're okay. Right?

[The Good Reverend Roger]

So, does that mean Alpacas are alright? They kill more people, but obviously because they're legal it means they're okay. Right?

No, Alpacas should be illegal, but the grossly mishandled Alpaca prohibition of 1920-1939 has political prevented any effective action.

I myself occasionally own an Alpaca, but my kids are really smart and won't ever become addicts, unlike Those People's kids, who are not as bright and careful as my children.  Also, I only the Alpaca when the kids are in bed.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

Assets sometimes liquidate other assets with pressure cookers. Perhaps we should prevent this by liquidating all of the assets. For the assets.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Assets sometimes liquidate other assets with pressure cookers. Perhaps we should prevent this by liquidating all of the assets. For the assets.

Let's stay on topic, here.  Llamas are obviously a greater threat, in terms of assets harmed over time.  Terrorist attacks only happen occasionally, llama-gorings happen ALL THE TIME.

[Nephew Twiddleton]

So, does that mean Alpacas are alright? They kill more people, but obviously because they're legal it means they're okay. Right?

No, Alpacas should be illegal, but the grossly mishandled Alpaca prohibition of 1920-1939 has political prevented any effective action.

I myself occasionally own an Alpaca, but my kids are really smart and won't ever become addicts, unlike Those People's kids, who are not as bright and careful as my children.  Also, I only the Alpaca when the kids are in bed.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Roger, what is your stance on the legalization of emus?

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I heard that this one guy in Florida had an emu and ate another guy's face off.

[trippinprincezz13]

But what about the people that have found llamas to be better alternative transportation? They've tried cars and bikes, but don't feel they are a good fit for their transportation needs, especially going up rocky mountain paths. They also find llamas to have fewer negative side effects, like costly gas expenses and the damage burning fossil fuels does to the environment. Shouldn't they have the option of using llamas as means of getting around, as long as they don't take any children on those trips?

Also, I only the Alpaca when the kids are in bed.

[Kai]

I heard recently that Washington legalized llama ownership, and they actually had a /decrease/ in llama related problems. What do you have to say about that?

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Roger, what is your stance on the legalization of emus?

It would be a total disaster.  Most people aren't smart enough to have them de-clawed, let alone neutered.  Within a year or so, America would be completely denuded of vegetation, becoming a desert just like New Guinea, their native habitat.

I oppose research into emus.  It just "teaches the controversy", and gives Big Flightless Bird a chance to get their foot in the door.  Possession of emu should result in diversion for Quality People, and life at hard labor in the potato mines of Iowa for Those Other People.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I heard recently that Washington legalized llama ownership, and they actually had a /decrease/ in llama related problems. What do you have to say about that?

I'd say that the irresponsible people that published that article are obviously shills for Big Llama.

I have researched a study that says the exact opposite thing will happen.  Link not forthcoming, because you fuckers won't accept my completely unbiased source.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I heard that this one guy in Florida had an emu and ate another guy's face off.

This is exactly what I'm talking about.  And who is thinking of the assets?  Tell me that.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

You know, I'm not a huge llama fan... I've tried them a few times, you know, just to see how well they carry my stuff, and they just aren't my thing. But I've never actually seen anyone get gored by one; in fact, come to think of it, they don't even have horns. A review of the literature on llamas didn't indicate that they're dangerous at all. I'm not saying that everyone should have llamas, and I'm definitely not saying that kids should be allowed to have llamas, but it does seem a little silly to actually imprison people just for using llamas as pack animals.