I am now a preventionist

[The Good Reverend Roger]

But what about the people that have found llamas to be better alternative transportation? They've tried cars and bikes, but don't feel they are a good fit for their transportation needs, especially going up rocky mountain paths. They also find llamas to have fewer negative side effects, like costly gas expenses and the damage burning fossil fuels does to the environment. Shouldn't they have the option of using llamas as means of getting around, as long as they don't take any children on those trips?

It's just not worth the risk.  Kids will have greater access, and then and then and then the Visigoths are at the gates and the whole army has been gored to death on their terrible antlers and I HOPE YOU'RE HAPPY NOW.

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

I heard that the llama death statistical data was grossly mishandled for decades by the rubber industry, which profited from the increased use of bikes and automobiles after llamas were banned. Now it is very difficult to do research on the actual lethal potential of llamas, because the llama, wolverine, and candy bureau controls who gets permits to research studies and it has been posited that they may potentially have a bias, since managing llama infractions is a huge percentage of their federal budget. How can we be sure your data is accurate?

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Roger, what is your stance on the legalization of emus?

It would be a total disaster.  Most people aren't smart enough to have them de-clawed, let alone neutered.  Within a year or so, America would be completely denuded of vegetation, becoming a desert just like New Guinea, their native habitat.

I oppose research into emus.  It just "teaches the controversy", and gives Big Flightless Bird a chance to get their foot in the door.  Possession of emu should result in diversion for Quality People, and life at hard labor in the potato mines of Iowa for Those Other People.

But what about the people for whom conventional birds just don't work, or are too expensive? Emus are natural and have few unwanted side effects.

[Kai]

I heard recently that Washington legalized llama ownership, and they actually had a /decrease/ in llama related problems. What do you have to say about that?

I'd say that the irresponsible people that published that article are obviously shills for Big Llama.

I have researched a study that says the exact opposite thing will happen.  Link not forthcoming, because you fuckers won't accept my completely unbiased source.

Right, Big Llama. 

You know, the only reason why llamas were made illegal in the first place was competition with cotton, despite llama wool being a far superior product. I bet they're still lobbying against llama legalization for that reason. They can't compete, so they have to make up all these excuses about why llamas are too dangerous.

[LMNO]

For the record, I lost it at "12-point llama".

[The Good Reverend Roger]

But I've never actually seen anyone get gored by one; in fact, come to think of it, they don't even have horns.

See, this is EXACTLY the sort of shilling I'm talking about.  We KNOW they have horns, because people have been gored.  We know that the people were gored, because llamas have horns.

You People should learn to research a study.  I have.  My entire team looks to me for guidance on this sort of thing because I'm really smart and totally "hip" to the assets and their llama-related issues.  Why, I talk at them all the time in school auditoriums.  They look up to me, you know. 

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I mean, I hate the people who are all "legalize everything no controls on anything" and talk about nothing but emus and llamas ALL THE TIME, that's just obnoxious. But it seems like everything I've read shows that places that legalize llamas but still have regulations and taxes in place to keep llamas out of the hands of kids assets actually end up with lower rates of llama ownership, and those people who do keep llamas are more responsible owners.

Plus, our legal system is bottlenecked with all these non-violent llama possession cases, and it seems like a huge waste of taxpayer money to keep prosecuting people for something as trivial as just having a llama. Wouldn't it be better for everyone if we free up those resources by making it no longer a crime to have a llama?

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

But I've never actually seen anyone get gored by one; in fact, come to think of it, they don't even have horns.

See, this is EXACTLY the sort of shilling I'm talking about.  We KNOW they have horns, because people have been gored.  We know that the people were gored, because llamas have horns.

You People should learn to research a study.  I have.  My entire team looks to me for guidance on this sort of thing because I'm really smart and totally "hip" to the assets and their llama-related issues.  Why, I talk at them all the time in school auditoriums.  They look up to me, you know.

But can you show me any of the studies you've researched? Look, I have a picture of a llama right here:

[The Good Reverend Roger]

How can we be sure your data is accurate?

It is based on countless studies.  Some of which were conducted at great risk to preventionists world-wide.  For example, MPP Horace Anderson was critically injured in a freak collating accident.

And you'd just throw his sacrifice away so you could just llama in public in front of stupid people.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

But I've never actually seen anyone get gored by one; in fact, come to think of it, they don't even have horns.

See, this is EXACTLY the sort of shilling I'm talking about.  We KNOW they have horns, because people have been gored.  We know that the people were gored, because llamas have horns.

You People should learn to research a study.  I have.  My entire team looks to me for guidance on this sort of thing because I'm really smart and totally "hip" to the assets and their llama-related issues.  Why, I talk at them all the time in school auditoriums.  They look up to me, you know.

But can you show me any of the studies you've researched? Look, I have a picture of a llama right here:

Well, DUH.  That's a doe.  You are a poopy head.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Plus, our legal system is bottlenecked with all these non-violent llama possession cases, and it seems like a huge waste of taxpayer money to keep prosecuting people for something as trivial as just having a llama. Wouldn't it be better for everyone if we free up those resources by making it no longer a crime to have a llama?

We can use diversion for the quality people. 

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Roger, what is your stance on the legalization of emus?

It would be a total disaster.  Most people aren't smart enough to have them de-clawed, let alone neutered.  Within a year or so, America would be completely denuded of vegetation, becoming a desert just like New Guinea, their native habitat.

I oppose research into emus.  It just "teaches the controversy", and gives Big Flightless Bird a chance to get their foot in the door.  Possession of emu should result in diversion for Quality People, and life at hard labor in the potato mines of Iowa for Those Other People.

But what about the people for whom conventional birds just don't work, or are too expensive? Emus are natural and have few unwanted side effects.

LIES.

Emus make you blind and you grow hair on your palms.  Then you get addicted and OD.  Broken homes, empty schools, and lost assets.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I heard recently that Washington legalized llama ownership, and they actually had a /decrease/ in llama related problems. What do you have to say about that?

I'd say that the irresponsible people that published that article are obviously shills for Big Llama.

I have researched a study that says the exact opposite thing will happen.  Link not forthcoming, because you fuckers won't accept my completely unbiased source.

Right, Big Llama. 

You know, the only reason why llamas were made illegal in the first place was competition with cotton, despite llama wool being a far superior product. I bet they're still lobbying against llama legalization for that reason. They can't compete, so they have to make up all these excuses about why llamas are too dangerous.

Conspiracy theory. 

Llamas kill.  This is documented fact.  It is documented fact.  DOCUMENTED.  FACT.

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

How can we be sure your data is accurate?

It is based on countless studies.  Some of which were conducted at great risk to preventionists world-wide.  For example, MPP Horace Anderson was critically injured in a freak collating accident.

And you'd just throw his sacrifice away so you could just llama in public in front of stupid people.

Well, sure it's based on studies, but like I said in the part of the post that you edited out, most of those studies were funded by organizations that have a vested interest in keeping llamas illegal.

Also, I don't even want a llama. I had a boyfriend who would llama sometimes and I couldn't even be in the same room with him while he was doing it, I get a rash just from second-hand llama. But, you know, I think that's a personal problem, and not something that everyone else should have to pay for.

[Kai]

Plus, our legal system is bottlenecked with all these non-violent llama possession cases, and it seems like a huge waste of taxpayer money to keep prosecuting people for something as trivial as just having a llama. Wouldn't it be better for everyone if we free up those resources by making it no longer a crime to have a llama?

We can use diversion for the quality people.

By which you mean, /anyone who isn't an asset/. Under the age of 18 and you own a llama? We'll cuddle you and slap you on the wrist and give you counceling. Over the age of 18? JAIL FOREVER. The funny part about this is, assets become adults. I know, it seems weird, but it's true. You don't give a damn about adults do you?