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DOUR™: A Product You Can Believe In

Started by The Good Reverend Roger, October 14, 2013, 04:56:13 PM

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The Good Reverend Roger

October 14, 2013, 04:56:13 PM
What's the matter, Bunky?  You say your Discordia fell flat?  You busted in the door, eager to explain your qualifications as a guru of Official Vintage Discordia™, and everyone laughed at you?  And not in the good way?  You say your demonstration of artistic prowess and arcane knowledge of underground things and Really Real Values just made everyone yawn?

Sounds like YOU need Dirty Old Uncle Roger™.  DOUR™ won't make anything better (this isn't Dow Chemicals, after all), and he certainly won't make you FEEL better or THINK better, but that's not what you need, is it?  No, you think just fine. 

What DOUR™ will do is give you someone to blame.  Why should YOU take responsibility for your dumbass behavior?  That's not the Western way.  Taking responsibility for your own actions is for POOR PEOPLE, and you aren't poor.  Or at least you aren't destined to REMAIN poor.  You're special.  You must be.  You're the main character, after all.  So SOMEONE made everyone laugh at you and call you a stupid hipster, and since it certainly wasn't YOU, why not let it be DOUR™?

Compare our low rates and high value to the competition.  President Barack Obama™ doesn't respond most of the time, and he costs a half-million a year WITHOUT all the add ons.  Iason Oubache WAS good for this sort of thing, but he went up in a mushroom cloud with half of Indiana, back in 2010.  Nigel is entirely too NIGEL, and you get more value than you really wanted.  Cain Aerte will just smirk at you, which doesn't help, and ECH will totally your and then you lunch money and a puddle with his right boot all sideways.

No, DOUR™ is the answer to all of your blaming needs.  Give us a call.  Gamble a stamp.  DOUR™ can teach you to be a REAL PERSON.  Or if you ARE a real person, he can get people to see just how REAL you REALLY ARE.

All major credit cards accepted.  Act now!  Quantities are limited.  Mention this add and get some used tuck tape from the Playa's Ball!
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Don Coyote

#1
October 14, 2013, 04:57:47 PM
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on October 14, 2013, 04:56:13 PM
What's the matter, Bunky?  You say your Discordia fell flat?  You busted in the door, eager to explain your qualifications as a guru of Official Vintage Discordia™, and everyone laughed at you?  And not in the good way?  You say your demonstration of artistic prowess and arcane knowledge of underground things and Really Real Values just made everyone yawn?

Sounds like YOU need Dirty Old Uncle Roger™.  DOUR™ won't make anything better (this isn't Dow Chemicals, after all), and he certainly won't make you FEEL better or THINK better, but that's not what you need, is it?  No, you think just fine. 

What DOUR™ will do is give you someone to blame.  Why should YOU take responsibility for your dumbass behavior?  That's not the Western way.  Taking responsibility for your own actions is for POOR PEOPLE, and you aren't poor.  Or at least you aren't destined to REMAIN poor.  You're special.  You must be.  You're the main character, after all.  So SOMEONE made everyone laugh at you and call you a stupid hipster, and since it certainly wasn't YOU, why not let it be DOUR™?

Compare our low rates and high value to the competition.  President Barack Obama™ doesn't respond most of the time, and he costs a half-million a year WITHOUT all the add ons.  Iason Oubache WAS good for this sort of thing, but he went up in a mushroom cloud with half of Indiana, back in 2010.  Nigel is entirely too NIGEL, and you get more value than you really wanted.  Cain Aerte will just smirk at you, which doesn't help, and ECH will totally your and then you lunch money and a puddle with his right boot all sideways.

No, DOUR™ is the answer to all of your blaming needs.  Give us a call.  Gamble a stamp.  DOUR™ can teach you to be a REAL PERSON.  Or if you ARE a real person, he can get people to see just how REAL you REALLY ARE.

All major credit cards accepted.  Act now!  Quantities are limited.  Mention this add and get some used tuck tape from the Playa's Ball!

Do you accept flax, hemp or homeopathic remedies?

The Good Reverend Roger

#2
October 14, 2013, 05:00:20 PM
Quote from: Don Coyote on October 14, 2013, 04:57:47 PM
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on October 14, 2013, 04:56:13 PM
What's the matter, Bunky?  You say your Discordia fell flat?  You busted in the door, eager to explain your qualifications as a guru of Official Vintage Discordia™, and everyone laughed at you?  And not in the good way?  You say your demonstration of artistic prowess and arcane knowledge of underground things and Really Real Values just made everyone yawn?

Sounds like YOU need Dirty Old Uncle Roger™.  DOUR™ won't make anything better (this isn't Dow Chemicals, after all), and he certainly won't make you FEEL better or THINK better, but that's not what you need, is it?  No, you think just fine. 

What DOUR™ will do is give you someone to blame.  Why should YOU take responsibility for your dumbass behavior?  That's not the Western way.  Taking responsibility for your own actions is for POOR PEOPLE, and you aren't poor.  Or at least you aren't destined to REMAIN poor.  You're special.  You must be.  You're the main character, after all.  So SOMEONE made everyone laugh at you and call you a stupid hipster, and since it certainly wasn't YOU, why not let it be DOUR™?

Compare our low rates and high value to the competition.  President Barack Obama™ doesn't respond most of the time, and he costs a half-million a year WITHOUT all the add ons.  Iason Oubache WAS good for this sort of thing, but he went up in a mushroom cloud with half of Indiana, back in 2010.  Nigel is entirely too NIGEL, and you get more value than you really wanted.  Cain Aerte will just smirk at you, which doesn't help, and ECH will totally your and then you lunch money and a puddle with his right boot all sideways.

No, DOUR™ is the answer to all of your blaming needs.  Give us a call.  Gamble a stamp.  DOUR™ can teach you to be a REAL PERSON.  Or if you ARE a real person, he can get people to see just how REAL you REALLY ARE.

All major credit cards accepted.  Act now!  Quantities are limited.  Mention this add and get some used tuck tape from the Playa's Ball!

Do you accept flax, hemp or homeopathic remedies?

No, but we will make a convincing argument why everyone else should.

DOUR™:  Cash on the barrelhead.  We will take all your Conspiracy Money, leaving you the purity of commerce you always wanted.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

LMNO

#3
October 14, 2013, 05:01:48 PM
Before I tried DOUR™, I was blaming myself for my lack of social skills and myopic classism.  In fact, I was pretty sure I was the reason the internet was so fascist.

Now, I feel great, because it's all his fault.  Thanks, DOUR™!

Don Coyote

#4
October 14, 2013, 05:03:35 PM
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on October 14, 2013, 05:00:20 PM
Quote from: Don Coyote on October 14, 2013, 04:57:47 PM
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on October 14, 2013, 04:56:13 PM
What's the matter, Bunky?  You say your Discordia fell flat?  You busted in the door, eager to explain your qualifications as a guru of Official Vintage Discordia™, and everyone laughed at you?  And not in the good way?  You say your demonstration of artistic prowess and arcane knowledge of underground things and Really Real Values just made everyone yawn?

Sounds like YOU need Dirty Old Uncle Roger™.  DOUR™ won't make anything better (this isn't Dow Chemicals, after all), and he certainly won't make you FEEL better or THINK better, but that's not what you need, is it?  No, you think just fine. 

What DOUR™ will do is give you someone to blame.  Why should YOU take responsibility for your dumbass behavior?  That's not the Western way.  Taking responsibility for your own actions is for POOR PEOPLE, and you aren't poor.  Or at least you aren't destined to REMAIN poor.  You're special.  You must be.  You're the main character, after all.  So SOMEONE made everyone laugh at you and call you a stupid hipster, and since it certainly wasn't YOU, why not let it be DOUR™?

Compare our low rates and high value to the competition.  President Barack Obama™ doesn't respond most of the time, and he costs a half-million a year WITHOUT all the add ons.  Iason Oubache WAS good for this sort of thing, but he went up in a mushroom cloud with half of Indiana, back in 2010.  Nigel is entirely too NIGEL, and you get more value than you really wanted.  Cain Aerte will just smirk at you, which doesn't help, and ECH will totally your and then you lunch money and a puddle with his right boot all sideways.

No, DOUR™ is the answer to all of your blaming needs.  Give us a call.  Gamble a stamp.  DOUR™ can teach you to be a REAL PERSON.  Or if you ARE a real person, he can get people to see just how REAL you REALLY ARE.

All major credit cards accepted.  Act now!  Quantities are limited.  Mention this add and get some used tuck tape from the Playa's Ball!

Do you accept flax, hemp or homeopathic remedies?

No, but we will make a convincing argument why everyone else should.

DOUR™:  Cash on the barrelhead.  We will take all your Conspiracy Money, leaving you the purity of commerce you always wanted.

I feel that by your refusal to accept my fictional currencies as legitimate means of exchange, particular with respect to exchanging my currencies from what if most undoubtedly a valuable service, you are stripping me of my God given Constitutional RightsTM to a proper Free MarketTM. That is unless you accept Bitcoins, shiny beads, or positive thoughts.

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

#5
October 14, 2013, 05:03:42 PM
If I continue to feel bad after I've blamed DOUR, can I get a refund?
"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."

The Good Reverend Roger

#6
October 14, 2013, 05:04:49 PM
Quote from: Not Your Nigel on October 14, 2013, 05:03:42 PM
If I continue to feel bad after I've blamed DOUR, can I get a refund?

No, you should merely blame DOUR™ for its poor performance, and make sure to tell all your friends, forum-mates, and every single person on Facebook. 
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Don Coyote

#7
October 14, 2013, 05:08:24 PM
Will DOURTM release me from the FriendzoneTM?

Can DOURTM make everyone see how totally awesome I am and look with my fedora and patchy neckbeard?

The Good Reverend Roger

#8
October 14, 2013, 05:10:26 PM
Quote from: Don Coyote on October 14, 2013, 05:08:24 PM
Will DOURTM release me from the FriendzoneTM?

Can DOURTM make everyone see how totally awesome I am and look with my fedora and patchy neckbeard?

DOUR™ will not help you find a girlfriend, but he WILL give you an EXCUSE to your AUDIENCE as to why you don't have a GF.  He scared them all off.

DOUR™ can help you explain to people why they can't SEE that you're awesome.  DOUR™ is blocking the view, and is scheming against you.  Because he HATES THE TRUTH™.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Don Coyote

#9
October 14, 2013, 05:16:32 PM
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on October 14, 2013, 05:10:26 PM
Quote from: Don Coyote on October 14, 2013, 05:08:24 PM
Will DOURTM release me from the FriendzoneTM?

Can DOURTM make everyone see how totally awesome I am and look with my fedora and patchy neckbeard?

DOUR™ will not help you find a girlfriend, but he WILL give you an EXCUSE to your AUDIENCE as to why you don't have a GF.  He scared them all off.

DOUR™ can help you explain to people why they can't SEE that you're awesome.  DOUR™ is blocking the view, and is scheming against you.  Because he HATES THE TRUTH™.

Hold one while I ask my mother for her credit card.

The Good Reverend Roger

#10
October 14, 2013, 05:18:37 PM
Quote from: Don Coyote on October 14, 2013, 05:16:32 PM
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on October 14, 2013, 05:10:26 PM
Quote from: Don Coyote on October 14, 2013, 05:08:24 PM
Will DOURTM release me from the FriendzoneTM?

Can DOURTM make everyone see how totally awesome I am and look with my fedora and patchy neckbeard?

DOUR™ will not help you find a girlfriend, but he WILL give you an EXCUSE to your AUDIENCE as to why you don't have a GF.  He scared them all off.

DOUR™ can help you explain to people why they can't SEE that you're awesome.  DOUR™ is blocking the view, and is scheming against you.  Because he HATES THE TRUTH™.

Hold one while I ask my mother for her credit card.

If your mother balks, just remind her that she, too, can use DOUR™.  SOMEONE is fucking the kids up these days, and it certainly isn't her generation.  Damn kids. 
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Don Coyote

#11
October 14, 2013, 05:27:42 PM
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on October 14, 2013, 05:18:37 PM
Quote from: Don Coyote on October 14, 2013, 05:16:32 PM
Quote from: Dirty Old Uncle Roger on October 14, 2013, 05:10:26 PM
Quote from: Don Coyote on October 14, 2013, 05:08:24 PM
Will DOURTM release me from the FriendzoneTM?

Can DOURTM make everyone see how totally awesome I am and look with my fedora and patchy neckbeard?

DOUR™ will not help you find a girlfriend, but he WILL give you an EXCUSE to your AUDIENCE as to why you don't have a GF.  He scared them all off.

DOUR™ can help you explain to people why they can't SEE that you're awesome.  DOUR™ is blocking the view, and is scheming against you.  Because he HATES THE TRUTH™.

Hold one while I ask my mother for her credit card.

If your mother balks, just remind her that she, too, can use DOUR™.  SOMEONE is fucking the kids up these days, and it certainly isn't her generation.  Damn kids.

DOURTM Outrage you can really get outraged atTM.
DOURTM The real reason I can't remember my witty advertisment for DOURTMTM

The Good Reverend Roger

#12
October 14, 2013, 05:28:26 PM
Quote from: Don Coyote on October 14, 2013, 05:27:42 PM
DOURTM The real reason I can't remember my witty advertisment for DOURTMTM

See how well that works?

We will send you an invoice.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

#13
October 14, 2013, 05:46:51 PM
Can I blame DOUR™ for my hangover?
"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."

The Good Reverend Roger

#14
October 14, 2013, 05:50:07 PM
Quote from: Not Your Nigel on October 14, 2013, 05:46:51 PM
Can I blame DOUR™ for my hangover?

Yes.  DOUR™ drives us all to drink.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.
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