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PI With Malice Aforethought: The Paesors

Started by The Good Reverend Roger, October 24, 2013, 03:12:48 PM

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The Good Reverend Roger

October 24, 2013, 03:12:48 PM Last Edit: October 25, 2013, 12:04:47 AM by Dirty Old Uncle Roger
When I met the Paesors, it was in the office of their club, which overlooks the dance floor.  The noise was awful; it sounded like no music I'd ever heard before.  The place was, however, packed, which puzzled me, as nobody seemed to really be having a good time.

I was ushered in and given a seat across a cluttered desk from Senor Paesor...Who was apparently doing lines through an eviction notice.  Senora Paesor was leaning against the wall, looking down on the dance floor.

Senor Paesor seemed to notice my existence, and sat bolt upright, flashing me a greasy smile.  "Ah, Padre, welcome to my humble club", he said through his Fu Manchu mustache, "Mi casa, su casa."

"What IS that DREADFUL noise?", I asked.

"Well, many months ago, we discovered that the kids, they will dance to ANYTHING.  So, as a - how do you say - experiment, we are playing many different things.  Last week it was air raid sirens.  This week it is car alarms."

"But they aren't dancing."

"No?  Well, we will fix that.  DARLING?"

Senora Paesor looked at him.  "What do you want, pig?"

"It is time for the kids to dance, my love."

"HA!", she shouted, and picked up what seemed to be a large air rifle.  She braced herself against the wall, aimed, and fired down onto the dance floor.  A twenty-something young man down there grabbed at his neck.

"What the hell was that?", I demanded.

"That", Senor Paesor said, "Was 10 CCs of bovine cortisol.  When you mix it with loud, obnoxious noises..."

Down on the floor, the young man's eyes were bugging out of his head.  He grabbed a bouncer in one hand and another kid in the other and started bashing them together like gongs, with superhuman strength.  He was foaming at the mouth.

But the other kids seemed to love it.  They all started dancing in time to the mayhem.

"This is horrible!", I said.

"No, Padre, this is just an expression of the free market system.  These little shits, they PAY me for this service."  Senor Paesor looked around.  "What?  My cocaine pile is empty!  WORM!"

A very small, skinny man whom I hadn't notice said from the corner, "Senor?"

"How is my cocaine pile so empty?  Why did you not bring me more cocaine?"

"But I cannot bring you more cocaine, jefe!"

Paesor launched himself out of his chair, and leered in the small man's face.  "WHY CANNOT YOU BRING ME MORE COCAINE?"

"Because Senora has nailed my feet to the floor, jefe!"

We looked at his feet.  Sure as hell, they were nailed down with 10 penny nails.  We looked at Senora Paesor.

"What?", she asked, "Only YOU are allowed to have a good time, pig?"

"Now I have to go get my OWN cocaine."

She sneered at him.  "The exercise will do you some good.  Get me some more bourbon while you're at the store."

Senor Paesor stomped towards the door.  Not wanting to be left alone with his obviously insane wife, I followed behind him.  I HAVE to get an exit visa, I thought to myself, I can't live like this anymore.

(To Be Continued.)
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

LMNO

#1
October 24, 2013, 03:21:25 PM
Somehow, it seems DOUR found his way to Interzone.

Suu

#2
October 24, 2013, 03:21:36 PM
Holy fuck! :mittens:
Sovereign Episkopos-Princess Kaousuu; Esq., Battle Nun, Bene Gesserit.
Our Lady of Perpetual Confusion; 1st Church of Discordia

"Add a dab of lavender to milk, leave town with an orange, and pretend you're laughing at it."

The Good Reverend Roger

#3
October 24, 2013, 03:22:26 PM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on October 24, 2013, 03:21:25 PM
Somehow, it seems DOUR found his way to Interzone.

What?  Oh, shit, not again.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

The Good Reverend Roger

#4
October 24, 2013, 03:23:55 PM
Every time I think I have something original, someone's already fucking done it.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

LMNO

#5
October 24, 2013, 03:33:50 PM
Let me be more clear:  I love the OP, and DOUR is not ripping anyone off.

The Good Reverend Roger

#6
October 24, 2013, 04:06:47 PM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on October 24, 2013, 03:33:50 PM
Let me be more clear:  I love the OP, and DOUR is not ripping anyone off.

Okay.  Thanks.

Anyway, part 2 later this morning.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

The Good Reverend Roger

#7
October 24, 2013, 04:38:26 PM Last Edit: October 24, 2013, 04:45:33 PM by Dirty Old Uncle Roger
Part 2

As we bumped along the dirt streets of Christchurch, Senor Paesor became more and more agitated.  "It is simple.  Worm gets me my cocaine, Worm does not get punished.  Worm got me my cocaine, yet is he punished anyway.  Now I must get my own WHOOPS!" 

He had just run over a gaggle of street urchins.  Overcoming his surprise, he hit the gas and laughed like a loon.

"Aren't you going to stop?" I asked.

"Por que?"  He seemed genuinely puzzled.  "Their friends will just steal my hubcaps."

"But you just ran over a bunch of children!"

"Yes.  I can see this bothers you.  You Americans are so sentimental.  Look, it is like this:  If we do not cull their numbers, they eat all the available food, and then ALL starve.  It is like your great American Ted Nugent says.  Nature relies on predators to balance things.  Since we have few predators that eat humans in New Zealand, it is up to good people like me to fill the gap."

He slewed to a stop in front of a ramshackle building that was apparently the store.  "Now, where is my list", he asked, "Ah, here."

We walked into the store.  The proprietor jumped to his feet.  "D-Don Paesor!  I did not expect you.  Usually Miguel comes in."

"Miguel's feet are, unfortunately, nailed to my office floor.  It is very sad.  Now, if you will attend to my list?"

"Of course, Don Paesor, of course."

"First, 6 pounds of cocaine."

"Right here", the man said, placing a pillow case loaded with powder on the counter.

"Next is the bourbon."

"Right here", heaving a crate up next to the pillowcase.

"The Lithuanian Tractor Porn."

The small man looked panicked.  Signor Paesor narrowed his eyes and waited.

"Um, Don Paesor, it is most unfortunate, but that literature was siezed by customs."

"Really."

"Yes, the whole shipment."

Signor Paesor's hands began to shake.  There was a tinkling noise as the small man pissed himself in terror.

"And just WHAT do I spank it to, with no tractor porn?  Do you have answers for me?  DO YOU NOT THINK THERE ARE MORE NAILS?", Signor Paesor said, pulling a hammer down off the wall where it had been on display.

I turned and left the store.  I sat in the car, listening to the horrible sound of angry carpentry.

I wanted to go home.  I wanted it so badly.

(To be continued.)
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

LMNO

#8
October 24, 2013, 04:42:10 PM
I am so loving this.

The Good Reverend Roger

#9
October 24, 2013, 04:43:14 PM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on October 24, 2013, 04:42:10 PM
I am so loving this.

It's only going to get worse.  Those awful Carribbean nations are nothing but nightmares.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

The Good Reverend Roger

#10
October 24, 2013, 05:05:10 PM
Part 3

As Signor Paesor drove the jeep back through the barrios of Christchurch, the ground began to rumble.  Signor Paesor stopped the jeep and listened.

"It is not artillery, at least.  It is only an earthquake."

"An earthquake?  What?"

"Relax, Padre.  It is only a baby.  One day the big one will come, and we will all drown in the ocean...But tonight we drink, you and I."

Ahead of us, a church steeple collapsed onto a crowd.  Signor Paesor brayed laughter, and drove around the carnage.  We drove another couple of hundred yards before a police cruiser's lights came on behind us.

"Oh, shit", I said, thinking of the cocaine.

"Oh shit what?", Signor Paesor laughed, "It is only the police.  They are rendered impotent with fear and rage by my very presence.  Still..."  He reached under the seat and pulled out an Uzi.  "Here.  Give them something to think about."

"Uh..."

"Oh, shit, yes...You are a man of the cloth.  Here, YOU drive, and I will shoot at them."  He climbed out of the driver's seat and into the back of the jeep.  Shit.  I grabbed the wheel and scooched over into the driver's seat, just in time to avoid driving through someone's shanty.

From the back came the deafening bark of the submachine guns, and Signor Paesor's laughter.  "DO YOU LIKE THAT, PUTO?  DO YOU?  HAHAHAHAHA!"

In the rear view mirror, I saw the bullet-riddled police car veer off into the very shanty I had avoided.  I tried not to listen to the screams, as Signor Paesor dropped into the passenger seat next to me.

"Next", he said, we shall go talk to that maricon landlord of mine.  He sent me an eviction notice on my club.  Can you BELIEVE that?"

Trying to distract him, I said "I thought we were going to drink tonight."

"Oh, yes.  Instead, we drink right now."  He opened the top of the crate and pulled out a bottle of bourbon.  He opened it and took a long pull.  "BWAHAHAHA!  THAT will wake you from your siesta!"

He passed the bottle to me, and I took a swig.  It burned as I expected, but there was a strange taste to it.

"What kind of bourbon IS this?", I asked.

"It is Signora Paesor's special blend.  We have it made special in Caracas."

Oh, shit.  The steering wheel had become strangely flexible in my hands, and my ears echoed with Signor Paesor's awful laughter.  "I have hit rock bottom", I said - I think - to myself.

I was wrong.

(To be continued.)

" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

LMNO

#11
October 24, 2013, 05:16:06 PM
:lol:

The Good Reverend Roger

#12
October 24, 2013, 05:17:00 PM
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

LMNO

#13
October 24, 2013, 05:18:24 PM
Just expressing appreciation as to your diligent efforts to explain what New Zealand is REALLY like.

The Good Reverend Roger

#14
October 24, 2013, 05:20:00 PM
Quote from: LMNO, PhD (life continues) on October 24, 2013, 05:18:24 PM
Just expressing appreciation as to your diligent efforts to explain what New Zealand is REALLY like.

Someone has to.  Anyway, more story.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.
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