PI with Malice Aforethought: Hoopla

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Baron Von Hoopla is the bastard child of Gordon Liddy and Margaret Thatcher.  This explains why he has 5 rows of teeth, none of which are designed for chewing vegetable matter.  Hoopla was the architect of the Great Hamilton Lard Famine, which drove the native Scotsmen off of their land to make way for mafia members from Sicily.

In addition, it was Hoopla's scheming that turned the CNE from an exhibit of Canadian accomplishments into what is basically a Nickelback theme park.  No, he isn't so foul as to LIKE Nickelback, he just hates Canada and frequently urinates on Canadian currency because the Queen's picture is on it.  On Saturdays, he goes out with an elephant gun loaded with #7 birdshot to shoot woodpeckers.  And chipmunks.

The Toronto police are powerless to stop any of this, as A) they live in pants-shitting terror of him, and B) he's fucking Laureen Teskey on the side.  The RCMP just pretend like nothing's happening, and rumor has it that half the OPP works for him (which explains their draconian approach to highway traffic enforcement).  It is because of Hoopla that the United States started requiring passports to travel from Canada to the United States, because they don't want HIM sneaking in.

Hoopla got Rob Ford hooked on drugs.  There.  I said it.  Let the chips fall where they may.

Hoopla's latest antics, though, are attracting attention that even he may find difficult to deal with; I am, of course, referring to his habit of using small cratering charges on Markham Street and the 401.  You didn't think those tank traps just appeared by themselves, did you?  No.  It's that bastard Hoopla, who has apparently grown bored of his outhouse-style toilet he had installed in the CN Tower, with which he shat all over Toronto on windy days.

Hoopla is why I oppose normalization of relations with Canada, at least until the Canadians work up the spine to deal with this ratfucking menace to all that is Good & Right.
 

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Well, this flopped.

I think this series is played out.

[Payne]

I enjoyed it none the less.

Although I'm fairly certain that Rob Ford has never been on drugs, confessions no withstanding.

He's a personal hero of mine, you see, and my personal heroes would never do something like that. No, I believe Hoopla has executed a smear campaign against this decent, sane, lovable human being.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I enjoyed it none the less.

Although I'm fairly certain that Rob Ford has never been on drugs, confessions no withstanding.

He's a personal hero of mine, you see, and my personal heroes would never do something like that. No, I believe Hoopla has executed a smear campaign against this decent, sane, lovable human being.

Rob Ford is a crackhead.  Rob Ford is a politician.  I fail to see how these are supposed to be incompatible.

[LMNO]

Next you'll be saying someone as esteemed as, say, the Mayor of Washington, DC also smokes crack.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Next you'll be saying someone as esteemed as, say, the Mayor of Washington, DC also smokes crack.

It's tradition.  Marion Barry IS DC.

[LMNO]

He is a very apt metaphor, is true.

[hooplala]

Well, this flopped.

I think this series is played out.

Sorry I didn't comment yesterday, I was stuck in the outhouse all day, shitting out Etobicoke (the name was, of course, my idea.  People often erroneously believe the word is Native American in origin, it is in fact an anagram for Bit Coo Eek... which means absolutely nothing at all, but sounds sort of cute, and I just happen to like anagrams, but aren't particularly good at them).  Rob Ford does in fact do drugs, but only because it's the only way he can feel anything anymore; our partying days with Nikki Benz and Anne Murray really did a number on his soul, the poor portly bastard.  See, Roger, if you eat all bison like me, and don't benchpress moose daily, you end up like looking like Rob Ford.  If you want to be lazy, eat fucking venison.

And, finally, I'd like to thank the Arts Council of Canada, for making people like Atom Egoyan celebrities.  If we had genuine talent, I wouldn't need to get into so much trouble.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Well, this flopped.

I think this series is played out.

Sorry I didn't comment yesterday, I was stuck in the outhouse all day, shitting out Etobicoke (the name was, of course, my idea.  People often erroneously believe the word is Native American in origin, it is in fact an anagram for Bit Coo Eek... which means absolutely nothing at all, but sounds sort of cute, and I just happen to like anagrams, but aren't particularly good at them).  Rob Ford does in fact do drugs, but only because it's the only way he can feel anything anymore; our partying days with Nikki Benz and Anne Murray really did a number on his soul, the poor portly bastard.  See, Roger, if you eat all bison like me, and don't benchpress moose daily, you end up like looking like Rob Ford.  If you want to be lazy, eat fucking venison.

And, finally, I'd like to thank the Arts Council of Canada, for making people like Atom Egoyan celebrities.  If we had genuine talent, I wouldn't need to get into so much trouble.

1.  Wrote this today.   

2.  Rob Ford would eat the moose, too.

[hooplala]

Well, this flopped.

I think this series is played out.

Sorry I didn't comment yesterday, I was stuck in the outhouse all day, shitting out Etobicoke (the name was, of course, my idea.  People often erroneously believe the word is Native American in origin, it is in fact an anagram for Bit Coo Eek... which means absolutely nothing at all, but sounds sort of cute, and I just happen to like anagrams, but aren't particularly good at them).  Rob Ford does in fact do drugs, but only because it's the only way he can feel anything anymore; our partying days with Nikki Benz and Anne Murray really did a number on his soul, the poor portly bastard.  See, Roger, if you eat all bison like me, and don't benchpress moose daily, you end up like looking like Rob Ford.  If you want to be lazy, eat fucking venison.

And, finally, I'd like to thank the Arts Council of Canada, for making people like Atom Egoyan celebrities.  If we had genuine talent, I wouldn't need to get into so much trouble.

1.  Wrote this today.   

2.  Rob Ford would eat the moose, too.

Stupid timecode tells me it was yesterday, I must've set my time zone to Salazore again while drunk.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Stupid timecode tells me it was yesterday, I must've set my time zone to Salazore again while drunk.

Yeah, I heard you were there recently.  Uday sent me a telegram:

Dear White Devil Stop Other bald honkey is here Stop Please to come collect him before Papa find out Stop You know how he get when Hoopla clog up drains shooting porn Stop

[hooplala]

Stupid timecode tells me it was yesterday, I must've set my time zone to Salazore again while drunk.

Yeah, I heard you were there recently.  Uday sent me a telegram:

Dear White Devil Stop Other bald honkey is here Stop Please to come collect him before Papa find out Stop You know how he get when Hoopla clog up drains shooting porn Stop

First of all, that wouldn't have happened if they had a proper sewage system.  You would think after almost two hundred years they would have figured out black licorice wasn't a suitable building material.  But no, the whole cultural concept of being able to consume the city sewage system somehow still prevails.  Also, I don't want to border on racist here, but shaving ten people in any other country would not jam up an entire capitol city's water supply.  Ok, maybe Scotland.  At any rate, I refuse to take responsibility for that.  Despite what I said in the press conference.  I was in a K-hole, so I might've been mumbling about anything.

[hooplala]

And I'm not certain how an all midget blackface adaptation of Leonard Cohen's Beautiful Losers could be considered porn.  Maaaaaybe the bathtub scene with Hitler, but one scene?  Try passing that at any reasonable porn theater, and see how far you get.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Stupid timecode tells me it was yesterday, I must've set my time zone to Salazore again while drunk.

Yeah, I heard you were there recently.  Uday sent me a telegram:

Dear White Devil Stop Other bald honkey is here Stop Please to come collect him before Papa find out Stop You know how he get when Hoopla clog up drains shooting porn Stop

First of all, that wouldn't have happened if they had a proper sewage system.  You would think after almost two hundred years they would have figured out black licorice wasn't a suitable building material.  But no, the whole cultural concept of being able to consume the city sewage system somehow still prevails.  Also, I don't want to border on racist here, but shaving ten people in any other country would not jam up an entire capitol city's water supply.  Ok, maybe Scotland.  At any rate, I refuse to take responsibility for that.  Despite what I said in the press conference.  I was in a K-hole, so I might've been mumbling about anything.

I would believe you, but I actually received two telegrams.  The other read:

Dear Imperialist Pig Stop Hoopla is shoot up self with bovine cortisol Stop Is strangle police chief with sewer pipe Stop Forget what your friend Uday say earlier Stop Bald whitey can stay as long as like Stop

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Baron Von Hoopla is the bastard child of Gordon Liddy and Margaret Thatcher.  This explains why he has 5 rows of teeth, none of which are designed for chewing vegetable matter.  Hoopla was the architect of the Great Hamilton Lard Famine, which drove the native Scotsmen off of their land to make way for mafia members from Sicily.

In addition, it was Hoopla's scheming that turned the CNE from an exhibit of Canadian accomplishments into what is basically a Nickelback theme park.  No, he isn't so foul as to LIKE Nickelback, he just hates Canada and frequently urinates on Canadian currency because the Queen's picture is on it.  On Saturdays, he goes out with an elephant gun loaded with #7 birdshot to shoot woodpeckers.  And chipmunks.

The Toronto police are powerless to stop any of this, as A) they live in pants-shitting terror of him, and B) he's fucking Laureen Teskey on the side.  The RCMP just pretend like nothing's happening, and rumor has it that half the OPP works for him (which explains their draconian approach to highway traffic enforcement).  It is because of Hoopla that the United States started requiring passports to travel from Canada to the United States, because they don't want HIM sneaking in.

Hoopla got Rob Ford hooked on drugs.  There.  I said it.  Let the chips fall where they may.

Hoopla's latest antics, though, are attracting attention that even he may find difficult to deal with; I am, of course, referring to his habit of using small cratering charges on Markham Street and the 401.  You didn't think those tank traps just appeared by themselves, did you?  No.  It's that bastard Hoopla, who has apparently grown bored of his outhouse-style toilet he had installed in the CN Tower, with which he shat all over Toronto on windy days.

Hoopla is why I oppose normalization of relations with Canada, at least until the Canadians work up the spine to deal with this ratfucking menace to all that is Good & Right.