Principia Discordia > Principia Discussion

Why I Am very Satisfied with HIMEOBS Security Solutions?

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Lindas:
Order your cheap private security force from http://www.himeobs.com/orbitalplatforms.html, free shipping and quality assurance.

Reginald Ret:
Get AIDS.

Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.:
Dear Sir,

Intrigued by your claims, I purchased a HIMEOBS Orbital PlatformTM and upgraded to the DELUXE SUPER SECURE SECURITY FORCE. My purchase arrived swiftly and without error in the order. However, my security force is extremely surly and insists on watching porn 24/7 instead of actually providing security. I know because with the deluxe package I'm given copy of the daily report log. Almost every entry is "surfed 4chan for hentai" and "bearforce1 fanfiction competition during mess, Slovale one again!" In addition, the amount of trash they leave behind is horrific.

I have been billed for a space-faring cleaning service as per the contract and the deluxe package also provides me with an itemized bill of services rendered. And let me tell you, having 'man-spunk' cleaned out of the air filtration systems with a hose and bleach is apparently both extremely disgusting and hazardous to the health of the cleaners. This doesn't even begin to disclose the horror that the cleaning crew has endured. Did you know that clumps of back hair clog everything in space? Not just drains? Ventilation is only the beginning. Written on the back of my itemized bill was the note "It's like battling a quicker-reproducing and decidedly more greasy sort of Tribble made out of steel wool."

In conclusion, while I was initially very taken with the idea of my own CHEAP PRIVATE SECURITY FORCE, it has turned out to be anything but cheap or private or secure. I have spent more in one month on cleaning bills and pork rinds than I did for the initial purchase of the orbital platform with deluxe package.

Thus I am very dissatisfied. Please tell me how to initiate the return and refund process for this item in a way that does not involve the vaporization of my house or being doused in gallons of greasy Tribbles carried from the station by one of those remote control drones I paid extra for. Yes, I have been threatened with such if I terminate services.

Sincerely,

A disgruntled customer.

LMNO:
CPD wins everything forever.

Mesozoic Mister Nigel:
What is even happening in this thread

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