Fuck Oregon

[The Good Reverend Roger]

"Keep Portland Weird", they sing, as they drink shitty beer, dress identically, and abuse homeless people for the crime of not being just like them.  If you ever showed Portland some actual weird, they'd have their sadistic police beat you to death for your own good.

But the real horror of Oregon isn't Portland, or even their collection of thugs in uniform.  No, the REAL terror begins when you leave the city limits.

At first, it doesn't look so bad.  Beautiful scenery, ranging from mountains to forests, and even a little desert here and there.  But then you suddenly realize that you aren't alone.  No.  Staring at you from the woodline, they stand next to their SUVs with faded Sarah Palin bumperstickers.  They are the dreaded South Oregon po'buckers...And while they may not actually be wearing bib overalls, the slack jaw gives them away.

But by then, of course, it's far too late.

It's vaguely reminsicent of The Hills Have Eyes, or even Colorado (outside of Denver), though the latter may be stretching it a bit.  They won't EAT you, but by the time they're done blathering puerile political ideology at you, you'll be squirting yourself with A1 Sauce and begging them to get it over with.

Nobody knows how many of these savages exist, because they have no truck with "Big Gubmint" concepts like "a constitutionally-mandated census", which are clear violations of their rights.  We only know that there is seemingly no end to them, and every day there are more, as California slowly hemmorages teabillies into Oregon (contrary to popular opinion, California is about as liberal as John Wayne).

Most of the New Testament doesn't apply to these freaks.  Jesus won't mind if, rather than turning the other cheek, you fire up the chipper and clean house a bit.  After all, not even the Book of Revelation promised a tide of vengeful yahoos.  This isn't to say that Jesus hates them...It's just that he'd rather they lived in someone else's universe.

So Oregon has managed, inside the confines of a single state, to smash all the worst bits of hipsterism and libertarian-esque whackjobs.  The only people who have ever properly explained the place are Jack White and Loretta Lynn, in their insanely creepy video Portland, Oregon, which gives any sane person nightmares for the rest of their natural lives.

So fuck Oregon.  Give it to Washington state, they'll figure out what to do with it.

[East Coast Hustle]

I love this, but I feel compelled to point out one factual error.

In the great American outback that is rural Oregon, they absolutely WILL eat you.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I love this, but I feel compelled to point out one factual error.

In the great American outback that is rural Oregon, they absolutely WILL eat you.

I'd prefer that to the alternative.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Bump for Nigel.

[Ben Shapiro]

I approve of this.

[ñͤͣ̄ͦ̌̑͗͊͛͂͗ ̸̨̨̣̺̼̣̜͙͈͕̮̊̈́̈͂͛̽͊ͭ̓͆ͅé ̰̓̓́ͯ́́͞]

Pretty much nailed it, which is all the more remarkable because if I remember correctly, you haven't even been here.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Pretty much nailed it, which is all the more remarkable because if I remember correctly, you haven't even been here.

Holy Man™.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

You can't escape po'bucker. They've got those fuckers in MASSACHUSETTS, FFS.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

  This is alarmingly accurate.

People who aren't from here always want  to know why Portlanders seem to have no knowledge of the state outside of the city limits. We don't go out there, man, and those who do go seldom return... or they return, but can only speak in Hirley0.

[East Coast Hustle]

I went to Oregon City once. Do you know that place was originally supposed to be the Portland? Can you imagine a world in which Oregon fucking City rose to a place of cultural prominence in America? It's like trying to wrap your mind around Nyarlathotep or one of those infinite horrors from a Lovecraft story.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

I went to Oregon City once. Do you know that place was originally supposed to be the Portland? Can you imagine a world in which Oregon fucking City rose to a place of cultural prominence in America? It's like trying to wrap your mind around Nyarlathotep or one of those infinite horrors from a Lovecraft story.

The inbreeding.

[East Coast Hustle]

Well yeah, they're all stuck down there in the Willamette muck with no way to get up the cliffs to the rest of the world. I mean, they can go over to West Linn, but thankfully some urban planner of yore had the foresight to ensure that once you are in West Linn it is geographically impossible to get to Portland. You can only go to Tualatin or Wilsonville, from which you can then only go to Salem. Portland has ways of defending itself that go far beyond just the bridges.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Well yeah, they're all stuck down there in the Willamette muck with no way to get up the cliffs to the rest of the world. I mean, they can go over to West Linn, but thankfully some urban planner of yore had the foresight to ensure that once you are in West Linn it is geographically impossible to get to Portland. You can only go to Tualatin or Wilsonville, from which you can then only go to Salem. Portland has ways of defending itself that go far beyond just the bridges.

I love the fact that it is physically impossible for people from Beaverton to cross the West Hills.

[Pergamos]

There is also Eugene, which as far as I can tell is populated mostly by Anarchists and incredibly sweet but kind of naive people (who may also be Anarchists, but aren't always).  I always wonder how they survive.

[Cardinal Pizza Deliverance.]

This is hilarious to see on the top of the list as I am moving to Oregon at the end of the year. I'm looking forward to meeting a whole slew of wonderful people and possibly eating them.