Prophet Replacement Service

[Junkenstein]

As DOUR is bleeding from the eyes due to an overdose of future and Tucson, I am taking this opportunity to usurp oust seize for my own ends offer my humble services as a replacement Prophet.

Now I'm not as accurate as DOUR, nor as polite and tolerant of the horrors the your various futures hold.

So step right up one and all. Your future happiness, health, wealth, horrific disfiguring injuries, mistaken lottery wins and reasons for your untimely death (and in more than one instance, murder) are just a question away. Future joys and woes exposed for the low, low price of my own amusement. Do you want to know more? Of course you do!

Here's a freebie - One of you gets molested by an iguana this year. In the ear.

[LMNO]

I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

[Ben Shapiro]

Who would win in a fight between Superman,Batman,Spiderman, and the Incredible Hulk?

[Junkenstein]

I would like to subscribe to your newsletter.

Sadly this shall never be possible.

LMNO will be fortunate enough to survive the coming incident this year with 3rd degree burns covering only his thighs and shins. I say "survive" he's never really the same again. His fabulous gland takes a beating after an ill advised hat-purchasing spree eventually forces him to purchase a classic Australian cork hat. Little will he know that said hat actually harbours an ancient aboriginal curse which  causes him to act and behave like Paul Hogan in 1989.

His untimely death in late 2026 in the Australian outback eventually makes into folk legend and even a song. It's not the kind of song  you can sing in front of your grandparents or minors. In fact, singing it in front of minors is an offence punishable by 25 years hard labour in the mines. This is what will pass for "Irony" in future Australia.

[LMNO]

You'll never hear the phrase "put a shrimp on the barbie" the same way again.

[Cain]

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

[Reginald Ret]

What does the future hold for me, Oh great prophet Junkenstein?!

[Junkenstein]

Who would win in a fight between Superman,Batman,Spiderman, and the Incredible Hulk?

Batman, because the laws of DC dictate Batman as the ultimate winner of anything on a long enough timescale. This was established via "Bat math"



However, popularity of all of the above involved will decline steadily over the next 10 years culminating in arrests for child trafficking and pornography. 2025 privacy law changes allow papparazi to interview criminals while the police interview is also occurring. This was seen as the great start of the real "Trial by media" age where One device = One Vote. Justice shops with children working multiple devices will allow real time collation of public feeling and allow prosecutors and judges to pass appropriate sentences without needing to worry about whether the public will find such sentences acceptable. By this point the concept of "Defence" is pretty much non existent. You don't end up in court if your not guilty so you sure as hell best brush your hair, brush your teeth, best suit on and look innocent. It won't save you, but it may get you a lesser sentence or charge.

/b/earman will be one of the first to undergo this radical revision in justice and you'll be able to watch his televised execution for jaywalking in January 2026.

[Junkenstein]

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

9.

Though in the future after the radiation levels subside there will be two seperate species respectively able to chuck 13 and 4.

The "4"s are sold as pets to privileged children.

The "13" eat privileged children. It takes a surprising length of time until they are eventually banned will a mail-in campaign of children's bones being the eventual cause for change.

[Junkenstein]

What does the future hold for me, Oh great prophet Junkenstein?!

I am so, so sorry.

You're the Iguana guy.

[Eater of Clowns]

What's the second half of the joke?

[Eater of Clowns]

Here's a freebie - One of you gets molested by an iguana this year. In the ear.

Cold reading alert, phoney - of course this is going to be accurate, with the sheer quantity of iguana ear molestation.

[Junkenstein]

What's the second half of the joke?

The second half of the joke is ultimately revealed shortly after DOUR's demise from syphilis mid 2052. The subsequent release of the joke to the general public results in mass depression worldwide as that was pretty much the only thing left to look forward to. The resulting "Great slump" of 2052-69 is memorable for fuck all and will later be understood to in fact be, DOUR's final joke. No one laughs.

[Junkenstein]

Here's a freebie - One of you gets molested by an iguana this year. In the ear.

Cold reading alert, phoney - of course this is going to be accurate, with the sheer quantity of iguana ear molestation.

EOC will remain bitter about being deposed from the throne of MEXICO until his incarceration in Gitmo in 2032. After this, other more pressing problems will occupy his thoughts. He is eventually released to worldwide apathy in 2038 on the grounds he was never actually charged with anything. The ruler of MEXICO at the time later has him imprisoned on a small island in a style not dissimilar to Napoleon. This mainly happens out of pity and is used against MEXICO by COLUMBIA in 2044. Fun times are not had.

[3n1g]

Do me.