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The Courtship of Kitty Parson

Started by The Good Reverend Roger, March 06, 2014, 04:50:03 PM

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The Good Reverend Roger

March 06, 2014, 04:50:03 PM
Chapter 1

I remember it all like it was yesterday.  Kitty and I had gone to a party celebrating her latest anthology of poetry, Throw All Ex-Boyfriends Into the Ocean.  I really didn't like literary parties, but I was her editor, so I kind of had to go.

Now, any editor will tell you that authors and poets are, generally, the worst people on Earth.  This party was no exception, and bringing Kitty there was like adding a great white shark to a piranha tank.  We weren't there 10 minutes when the trouble started.

After I'd fixed us both a drink, we were approached by the artist "P3nt", who hails from Scotland.  I figured I'd introduce them.

"P3nt, I'd like you to meet Kitty Parson, the guest of honor tonight.  Kitty, this is P3nt, an artist from Scotland who occasionally hurls himself into the North sea for reasons unknown."

"Hello, P3nt", Kitty began...But then it all went wrong.  Kitty couldn't help noticing that P3nt wasn't looking at her so much as her cleavage.

"oooooohohoho", P3nt replied.

"I'm up here", Kitty said, in a testy voice.

"HOhoooooHo"

"Fuck this noise", Kitty said, reaching in her purse.

"NO KITTY, DON'T", I hollered, but it was too late.  Kitty had pulled a 23K stungun out of her purse, and jammed it firmly onto P3nt's arm.  P3nt flopped like a fish, then stood straight up, and then toppled over onto his back.

"Now you've done it", I said.

"What?  I zapped some ass at a party."

"No.  You've initiated what passes among the Scots as a 'courtship ritual'.  QUICK!", I yelled to the room in general, "IS THERE ANY HAGGIS AROUND?  IT'S OUR ONLY CHANCE.

A sea of uncomprehending faces looked back at me.  The music had stopped.

"oooo", said P3nt, from the ground, "ooo rumpy pumpy heh heh HAH heh"

"We have to go.  Now."  I grabbed Kitty's arm and hauled her out toward the car.  "If he wakes up before we're gone, it could get really fucking ugly."

I jammed the car in gear, and screeched out of the parking lot.  Kitty was looking at me with a cross expression on her face.  Clearly she didn't comprehend what was going on, but there was no time to explain.

To be continued
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Reginald Ret

#1
March 06, 2014, 04:55:14 PM
yay! the anticipation is making me giddy!
Lord Byron: "Those who will not reason, are bigots, those who cannot, are fools, and those who dare not, are slaves."

Nigel saying the wisest words ever uttered: "It's just a suffix."

"The worst forum ever" "The most mediocre forum on the internet" "The dumbest forum on the internet" "The most retarded forum on the internet" "The lamest forum on the internet" "The coolest forum on the internet"

The Good Reverend Roger

#2
March 06, 2014, 04:57:10 PM
Quote from: :regret: on March 06, 2014, 04:55:14 PM
yay! the anticipation is making me giddy!

There will be more, but I have a meeting to get to.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

#3
March 06, 2014, 04:58:30 PM
 :lulz: :lulz: :lulz:

This had me laughing from the second sentence, and I still haven't stopped chuckling.

OMG OMG OMG. Throw All Ex-Boyfriends Into the Ocean. I seriously, can I use that? For real? I think I need to use that.
"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."

P3nT4gR4m

#4
March 06, 2014, 05:02:38 PM
She wants me. Just hasn't figured that out yet... :ECH:

I'm up to my arse in Brexit Numpties, but I want more.  Target-rich environments are the new sexy.
Not actually a meat product.
Ass-Kicking & Foot-Stomping Ancient Master of SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK
Awful and Bent Behemothic Results of Last Night's Painful Squat.
High Altitude Haggis-Filled Sex Bucket From Beyond Time and Space.
Internet Monkey Person of Filthy and Immoral Pygmy-Porn Wart Contagion
Octomom Auxillary Heat Exchanger Repairman
walking the fine line line between genius and batshit fucking crazy

"computation is a pattern in the spacetime arrangement of particles, and it's not the particles but the pattern that really matters! Matter doesn't matter." -- Max Tegmark

The Good Reverend Roger

#5
March 06, 2014, 05:05:56 PM
Quote from: Nigel on March 06, 2014, 04:58:30 PM
:lulz: :lulz: :lulz:

This had me laughing from the second sentence, and I still haven't stopped chuckling.

OMG OMG OMG. Throw All Ex-Boyfriends Into the Ocean. I seriously, can I use that? For real? I think I need to use that.

Of course you can.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

The Good Reverend Roger

#6
March 06, 2014, 05:06:32 PM
Quote from: P3nT4gR4m on March 06, 2014, 05:02:38 PM
She wants me. Just hasn't figured that out yet... :ECH:

Well, you'll just have to show her, with the traditional courting gifts and performances.
" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

P3nT4gR4m

#7
March 06, 2014, 05:16:20 PM
Pretty sure I'll be degreasing the old sporran as we speak  :evil:

I'm up to my arse in Brexit Numpties, but I want more.  Target-rich environments are the new sexy.
Not actually a meat product.
Ass-Kicking & Foot-Stomping Ancient Master of SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK
Awful and Bent Behemothic Results of Last Night's Painful Squat.
High Altitude Haggis-Filled Sex Bucket From Beyond Time and Space.
Internet Monkey Person of Filthy and Immoral Pygmy-Porn Wart Contagion
Octomom Auxillary Heat Exchanger Repairman
walking the fine line line between genius and batshit fucking crazy

"computation is a pattern in the spacetime arrangement of particles, and it's not the particles but the pattern that really matters! Matter doesn't matter." -- Max Tegmark

The Good Reverend Roger

#8
March 06, 2014, 05:27:33 PM
I woke to the sound of my smartphone ringing.  Oh, thank God, all that shit was just a dream, just a horrible dream.  I picked up.  Kitty wasn't happy.

"You son of a bitch!  There's a fucking TELEPHONE POLE on my lawn, with a big bow on it!"

"Aw shit..."

"And someone - or some THING - has been chewing on it."

"Kitty, do you have any scotch in the house?"

"Of course I have scotch in the house.  You never know when you'll be entertaining someone who suffers from ageusia, right?"

"Okay, here's what you need to do.  Get dressed if you aren't already.  Get your notepad and your phone.  Then throw the bottle of scotch out the BACK door, then you run out the FRONT door and get in your car.  Meet me at the Pig & Whistle."

"Why that shithole?  They serve traditional English 'food'...Oh"

"Right.  Scotsmen can't get within 200 yards of the stuff.  I know that's odd, given what THEY eat, but it works.  Just meet me there.  And don't forget...Scotch out the back, you out the front."

A half hour later

I waited at the Pig & Whistle for maybe 10 minutes, when Kitty came in, looking both winded and angry.  "He saw me leave", she said, "And he followed me all the way here.  On foot."

I looked past her, out the window.  Sure enough, there he was, across the street...Wearing nothing but a kilt and a pair of hobnail boots.  He was walking up and down the sidewalk, gesturing frantically with his arms and screaming at passers-by.  At one point, he was hollering at a priest, pointing in our direction, making pelvic thrusts and foaming at the mouth.

"Good GOD", Kitty remarked, "What IS he?"

"Never been to Scotland, have you?"

"Never had the pleasure", Kitty affirmed.

"Well, Scotsmen are technically homo sapiens, not that you can tell by looking at them..."

"Oh, he LOOKS fine.  He'd be hot if he wasn't having some kind of perpetual seizure."

"Scotsmen don't have seizures.  It's the other way around.  Occasionally, a seizure will have a Scotsman.  Their women are just as bad, by the way, pretty as they may be."

"Well, then, why don't they date each other?"

"Would you?"

"Point."

At that point, there was a horrible crashing noise as one of the windows broke, and an object rolled across the floor towards us.  It was the priest's head...And nailed to it was a piece of paper.  I gingerly reached down and snagged the paper, as the other people in the place fainted, became ill, frantically reached for their cell phones, etc.

"What is it?", a horrified Kitty asked.

"It seems to be a love poem.  It startes out 'Wee bonnie hen'...but the rest is soaked in blood.

"Hen."

"Hen."

"HEN?"

"Calm down.  It's still 1634 in Scotland.  That's as PC as they get.  Now, we need to make a plan.  I know a guy, see..."

To be continued.


" It's just that Depeche Mode were a bunch of optimistic loveburgers."
- TGRR, shaming himself forever, 7/8/2017

"Billy, when I say that ethics is our number one priority and safety is also our number one priority, you should take that to mean exactly what I said. Also quality. That's our number one priority as well. Don't look at me that way, you're in the corporate world now and this is how it works."
- TGRR, raising the bar at work.

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

#9
March 06, 2014, 05:42:29 PM
 :lulz: Oh, this is good.
"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."

Mesozoic Mister Nigel

#10
March 06, 2014, 05:46:23 PM
Quote from: The Good Reverend Roger on March 06, 2014, 05:05:56 PM
Quote from: Nigel on March 06, 2014, 04:58:30 PM
:lulz: :lulz: :lulz:

This had me laughing from the second sentence, and I still haven't stopped chuckling.

OMG OMG OMG. Throw All Ex-Boyfriends Into the Ocean. I seriously, can I use that? For real? I think I need to use that.

Of course you can.

Kitty has updated her biography accordingly: http://hellopoetry.com/kitty-parson/
"I'm guessing it was January 2007, a meeting in Bethesda, we got a bag of bees and just started smashing them on the desk," Charles Wick said. "It was very complicated."

Reginald Ret

#11
March 06, 2014, 05:49:08 PM
It has been a while since i laughed that hard.
Still laughing.
Lord Byron: "Those who will not reason, are bigots, those who cannot, are fools, and those who dare not, are slaves."

Nigel saying the wisest words ever uttered: "It's just a suffix."

"The worst forum ever" "The most mediocre forum on the internet" "The dumbest forum on the internet" "The most retarded forum on the internet" "The lamest forum on the internet" "The coolest forum on the internet"

East Coast Hustle

#12
March 06, 2014, 05:49:35 PM
:lulz:

This is great.
Rabid Colostomy Hole Jammer of the Coming Apocalypse™

The Devil is in the details; God is in the nuance.


Some yahoo yelled at me, saying 'GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH', and I thought, "I'm feeling generous today.  Why not BOTH?"

P3nT4gR4m

#13
March 06, 2014, 05:54:22 PM
No woman can resist the charms of scottish romantic poetry. It almost always boils down to insufficient artillery support.

I'm up to my arse in Brexit Numpties, but I want more.  Target-rich environments are the new sexy.
Not actually a meat product.
Ass-Kicking & Foot-Stomping Ancient Master of SHIT FUCK FUCK FUCK
Awful and Bent Behemothic Results of Last Night's Painful Squat.
High Altitude Haggis-Filled Sex Bucket From Beyond Time and Space.
Internet Monkey Person of Filthy and Immoral Pygmy-Porn Wart Contagion
Octomom Auxillary Heat Exchanger Repairman
walking the fine line line between genius and batshit fucking crazy

"computation is a pattern in the spacetime arrangement of particles, and it's not the particles but the pattern that really matters! Matter doesn't matter." -- Max Tegmark

LMNO

#14
March 06, 2014, 06:18:07 PM
I had to look up "ageusia", yuo bastard.
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