Transference: Why Roger Can't Write Anymore

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Transference is a phenomenon characterized by unconscious redirection of feelings from one person to another.
- From Wikipedia

For me, things tend to get very jumbled over time.  Priorities get scrambled, my reactions to others get a little weird, that sort of thing.  Then something generally happens, and my mental state sort of crystalizes.  What that something is can vary quite a bit.  It can be the loss of a friend or relative, a car accident...or maybe just a good shot to the head.  And then I am away from the noise, thinking in perfect silence inside some weird glass hallway, with all the normal noise & chaos outside.  Whatever it is that's going on, I'm not actually there.  I'm somewhere else, watching.

Another fact that's relevant is that I can't just write.  I have to write TO someone.  A muse, perhaps.  Most of the MSY series was actually written to Bella, for example.  And when she vanished in a puff of marijuana smoke, I was sort of stranded.  I had lots to say...The engine was running full blast, but the transmission wasn't there, at least until I had transferred the "recipient" of what I was writing to someone else, without actually realizing that it was happening.

Just recently, this has happened again.  Work stress, an unrecognized depression, a misunderstanding with a very good friend that just gets more and more misunderstood...Then my "muse" laughed at me.  Not screamed at me (that's normal and accepted, even my family screams at me, I tend to do things that cause it), not laughed with me, laughed at me.  Then bourbon and pills.  Then a whack to the head.

And here I am, back in that glass corridor, watching.  Watching Putin annex the Crimea.  Watching wreckers and vandals, an entire generation of undisciplined and vicious children wearing adult clothes and performing adult roles, as they tear down the basics of human dignity; as they tear up the great works of their ancestors.  Watching normal people doing normal things, for that matter.  Watching and waiting.

Because that transference has taken place and, as usual, I missed it (If I saw it happening, it wouldn't be transference, it would be something else entirely.  Hell, if I saw it happening, it wouldn't have happened).  But until I learn to say things in a manner in which I am understood by that person, then I can't really say much of anything at all. 

And that's why I can't write anymore.

For now.

Or Kill Me.

[LMNO]

Gristle to chew upon.


Ponds to ponder.


Thanks for writing that.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Thing is, I didn't intend that to happen.  It certainly wasn't warranted by the situation.  No gigantic crime was committed.  It just did, and even though there's a name for it, apparently, I don't understand the mechanism.

Now I'm sort of adrift, here.

[hooplala]

Fuck.

I understand completely Roger... I think.  I used to have a muse too, and then about 6 years ago, she fucked off to parts unknown, and... well, I don't know if I've ever been the same since.  I am adrift.  So I feel like I understand how you feel, yet sadly I have no advice to give... I am not the me I was before.  I wish I could say I am better, but I don't think that is true.

I hope you find your moorings, sir.  We need you.

[Anna Mae Bollocks]

Ouch.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Fuck.

I understand completely Roger... I think.  I used to have a muse too, and then about 6 years ago, she fucked off to parts unknown, and... well, I don't know if I've ever been the same since.  I am adrift.  So I feel like I understand how you feel, yet sadly I have no advice to give... I am not the me I was before.  I wish I could say I am better, but I don't think that is true.

I hope you find your moorings, sir.  We need you.

Thanks, but it ain't the end of the world.  I'm not mad or upset or anything.  I'm trying to write, not sure how it will work out.  The person I am now writing to and I have a history of arguing, some of which is very recent.  I am a slow learner.

[P3nT4gR4m]

Okay, so this really hit home. I do this all the time and never really clicked that was what was going on. That's why I produce my best shit when I'm riffing off people on t'internet, cos I'm talking to that person. It's the muse they talk about - the muse aint one solitary fucker but, at the same time, it's all just me. It's an effect I create, a recipient I imagine. I'm going to use the fuck out of this. I'm pretty sure I can drive the process by intent...

[The Johnny]

For me, things tend to get very jumbled over time.  Priorities get scrambled, my reactions to others get a little weird, that sort of thing.  Then something generally happens, and my mental state sort of crystalizes.  What that something is can vary quite a bit.  It can be the loss of a friend or relative, a car accident...or maybe just a good shot to the head.  And then I am away from the noise, thinking in perfect silence inside some weird glass hallway, with all the normal noise & chaos outside.  Whatever it is that's going on, I'm not actually there.  I'm somewhere else, watching.

I dont know if this is of any help, but when you speak of a kind of out-of-body experience, this comes to mind.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disassociation

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization_disorder

Mind you, im not saying you have a disorder or that you are mentally ill, these are processes that can happen to anyone in a given state.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

For me, things tend to get very jumbled over time.  Priorities get scrambled, my reactions to others get a little weird, that sort of thing.  Then something generally happens, and my mental state sort of crystalizes.  What that something is can vary quite a bit.  It can be the loss of a friend or relative, a car accident...or maybe just a good shot to the head.  And then I am away from the noise, thinking in perfect silence inside some weird glass hallway, with all the normal noise & chaos outside.  Whatever it is that's going on, I'm not actually there.  I'm somewhere else, watching.

I dont know if this is of any help, but when you speak of a kind of out-of-body experience, this comes to mind.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Disassociation

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Depersonalization_disorder

Mind you, im not saying you have a disorder or that you are mentally ill, these are processes that can happen to anyone in a given state.

Oh, I am under no illusions that I will be asked to speak for the Better Homes & Gardens Annual Dinner, Johnny.  I'm functional, but that's not really proof of much, these days.  I've had this sort of thing since around 1990.  They haven't locked me up, so "sane enough".  Which is to say, I took no offense, and you may have hit the nail on the head.  It's been mentioned to me before.

[Pæs]

I don't mean to offer unsolicited advice, but wanted to share that my own experience with dissociative issues has been that a heavy dose of pragmatism, which you seem to have a talent for, can be used to navigate that space. You touched on it with being functional. It involves a lot of asking myself "Is where I am right now useful to me at all?" and hoping that this thought also manages to pop up before/during/at a useful point after the noise and chaos starts to get quieter. Also a good question to be asking in any situation, as it can derail other pointless lines of thought.

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I don't mean to offer unsolicited advice, but wanted to share that my own experience with dissociative issues has been that a heavy dose of pragmatism, which you seem to have a talent for, can be used to navigate that space. You touched on it with being functional. It involves a lot of asking myself "Is where I am right now useful to me at all?" and hoping that this thought also manages to pop up before/during/at a useful point after the noise and chaos starts to get quieter. Also a good question to be asking in any situation, as it can derail other pointless lines of thought.

Sometimes it's useful.  Sometimes it's very useful, indeed. 

On the other hand, sometimes it happens when you're driving, and that can be a tad difficult.

In any case, the fact remains that I write TO people.  I always have, at least as long as I've been writing rants and stories.  I think the two are connected.  I get all angry and asshole, then I have a moment of clarity, then I start writing.

I sometimes write to other individuals, but usually to the specific person.  It's sort of a one way conversation, if you will.  And the tone of the writing is largely based on who I am writing to...The current piece is sort of like Hell in a Dry Place, but you'll see that it's very different as time goes on.

[The Johnny]

I think in the writing process its the only way it can work, either towards a single person, or a particular groupality (or in some cases, humanity in general).

I mean, writing is in a sense a message, and messages usually have a destination. We might even write to ourselves, or we might not even know who we are writing to, at least until we get a couple dozen pages into it.

(Unrelatedly it brings me to think why i dont write, and my first conclusions are that i dont have a particular strong transference going on with specific persons, perhaps a lack of mutual interests, and last but not least that im going a bit off the deep end, so i dont want to open up that can of worms more than i have to.)

[The Good Reverend Roger]

I think in the writing process its the only way it can work, either towards a single person, or a particular groupality (or in some cases, humanity in general).

I mean, writing is in a sense a message, and messages usually have a destination. We might even write to ourselves, or we might not even know who we are writing to, at least until we get a couple dozen pages into it.

(Unrelatedly it brings me to think why i dont write, and my first conclusions are that i dont have a particular strong transference going on with specific persons, perhaps a lack of mutual interests, and last but not least that im going a bit off the deep end, so i dont want to open up that can of worms more than i have to.)

I know one (1) professional writer who writes to "money" and gets away with it.  The other 4 I know write to specific people (one of those people has been dead since the 80s).

[The Johnny]

I think in the writing process its the only way it can work, either towards a single person, or a particular groupality (or in some cases, humanity in general).

I mean, writing is in a sense a message, and messages usually have a destination. We might even write to ourselves, or we might not even know who we are writing to, at least until we get a couple dozen pages into it.

(Unrelatedly it brings me to think why i dont write, and my first conclusions are that i dont have a particular strong transference going on with specific persons, perhaps a lack of mutual interests, and last but not least that im going a bit off the deep end, so i dont want to open up that can of worms more than i have to.)

I know one (1) professional writer who writes to "money" and gets away with it.  The other 4 I know write to specific people (one of those people has been dead since the 80s).

That's an interesting thing, "writing to money" that is, because the message direction becomes very intricate even before crafting so im assuming it makes for an at least entertaning result... i mean, money of course is an inanimate object, but it also can be a symbol of greed/power/opression, so theres not only the 1st and 2nd layer, but a 3rd one (because money doesnt think or hear) which is the audience ultimately "watch as i talk to money"... unless of course hes really solipsistic about it, but i dont know how that could be possible, i havent really put much though on this before, but, i think that writing is ultimately a social act made for others.

Sometimes i write to myself and then throw it away, but thats more of a tool for introspection and planning, so it could be taken as a communication between my unconscious self and my conscious self. (or perhaps just putting order/coherence in my own thoughts, eh)

[The Good Reverend Roger]

That's an interesting thing, "writing to money" that is, because the message direction becomes very intricate even before crafting so im assuming it makes for an at least entertaning result... i mean, money of course is an inanimate object, but it also can be a symbol of greed/power/opression, so theres not only the 1st and 2nd layer, but a 3rd one (because money doesnt think or hear) which is the audience ultimately "watch as i talk to money"... unless of course hes really solipsistic about it, but i dont know how that could be possible, i havent really put much though on this before, but, i think that writing is ultimately a social act made for others.

I don't know for sure, but I doubt he's that deep about it.