Written for a friend who wants to rant at X-Day

[The Good Reverend Roger]

Don't Be a Dick

Take a look at the news today.  There will be gleeful stories about people being dicks.  People raping people.  People murdering people.  People raping and THEN murdering people.  All of them dicks, and a special kind of dick sitting behind the news desk, telling you all the gory details with a look of studied concern on his face.  He seems to be puzzled as to why the peasants would act in such a fashion...Whereas a normal person being forced to barf up this litany of dickishness would have a look of profound disgust on their faces.

And if you listen to that guy, you'll think being a dick is NORMAL.  It isn't.

And if you change the channel, there's Jack Bauer torturing some bastard because he's a SPECIAL kind of dick, the sort of dick we need to protect us from dicks from other countries.  You know what I mean.  Smudgy dicks who blow people up because "why the hell not?"  This might lead you to believe that ONE kind of dick is better than ANOTHER kind of dick, and that one kind of dick is somehow "heroic".  They aren't.

No, brothers and sisters, the plain fact of the matter is that being a dick is just that...Being a dick.  The one thing dicks have in common is that they make the world WORSE for people around them.  Some more than others, obviously, but that's just a matter of SCALE.  Lester Maddox was a medium-scale dick, for example, and  Jerry Falwell was a gigantic dick. 

But the kind of dick that causes the most damage is the small-time dick.  The LITTLE dick.  Because they make up for in volume what they lack in scale.  I'm looking at YOU, dick who is slipping roofies in that girl's drink.  I'm talking to you, dick who is tormenting the cashier or being rude to the waiter because you can.  I'M LOOKING AT YOU, DICK WHO JUST FEELS THE NEED TO SAY SOMETHING MEAN TO SOMEONE FOR ANY REASON OR NO REASON AT ALL.

Dicks always have excuses, too.  "I had a bad day", when the behavior happens every day.  Or perhaps "My love life isn't what it ought to be, so all members of my target gender are fair game for dickery".  PROTIP:  You aren't a dick because you can't get laid, you can't get laid because YOU ARE A DICK.  All of these excuses boil down to the same thing, and that thing is "I am a small person and I feel bigger when I shit all over everyone around me, like the baboon that I am."

Everyone acts like a dick now and again.  It happens.  But if it happens on a regular basis, then you are no longer ACTING like a dick, you're BEING a dick.  It has become your new state of normalcy.  What, after all, is an evil person?  Obviously, an evil person is a person that does evil things.  And a dick is a person who does dickish things...And the ONLY difference between an evil person and a dick is that at least the evil person has some level of over-the-top, widescreen mania to thier bad actions.  Dicks are just boring in their evil.

Now, if you mull things over and realize that you are in fact a dick, there's still hope.  There is in fact a CURE for being a dick.  We Doktors refer to this cure as "STOP BEING A DICK".  It's easier than it sounds.  You just stop being a passive aggressive sack of shit.  You stop trying to be an "alpha" pick up artist.  You stop deliberately trying to torque people up because it is the ONLY MEANING LEFT IN YOUR LIFE.

And that's the real trick, isn't it?  If you go out and BUILD A LIFE for yourself, you will be so interested in that life that you won't have TIME to shit on other people, and YOU WON'T EVEN WANT TO.  Happy people aren't dicks.  It's just that simple.

Thank you, and good night.

[P3nT4gR4m]

That there is platinum-grade ranting of particularly high purity!

[Junkenstein]

 

One typo - "Fair fame for dickery". Assume you meant game. Big words? I need some new shit to print and this is ideal.

[Ben Shapiro]

<3 Sharing! Might get some defensive people to bite.

[Cainad (dec.)]

AMEN!

[The Good Reverend Roger]

One typo - "Fair fame for dickery". Assume you meant game. Big words? I need some new shit to print and this is ideal.

Normally I'd be all over that, but this was for a friend to rant at X-Day in July, and I want her to have first go at it.  After July 7th, you can Big Words it all day long.

[Junkenstein]

What, after all, is an evil person?  Obviously, an evil person is a person that does evil things.  And a dick is a person who does dickish things...And the ONLY difference between an evil person and a dick is that at least the evil person has some level of over-the-top, widescreen mania to thier bad actions.  Dicks are just boring in their evil.

Also, care to go into that a little more? I recall brief conversations when Thatcher died about this and it seems relevant. There's not many real monsters left which concerns me. It makes me think they've got better at hiding themselves.

edit - the bold.  Grammar Nazis, dicks, there's a joke in that somehow but it's not that funny.

[Junkenstein]

One typo - "Fair fame for dickery". Assume you meant game. Big words? I need some new shit to print and this is ideal.

Normally I'd be all over that, but this was for a friend to rant at X-Day in July, and I want her to have first go at it.  After July 7th, you can Big Words it all day long.

No worries. I shall beseech the tentacled accomplice.

[Mesozoic Mister Nigel]

Don't Be a Dick

Take a look at the news today.  There will be gleeful stories about people being dicks.  People raping people.  People murdering people.  People raping and THEN murdering people.  All of them dicks, and a special kind of dick sitting behind the news desk, telling you all the gory details with a look of studied concern on his face.  He seems to be puzzled as to why the peasants would act in such a fashion...Whereas a normal person being forced to barf up this litany of dickishness would have a look of profound disgust on their faces.

And if you listen to that guy, you'll think being a dick is NORMAL.  It isn't.

And if you change the channel, there's Jack Bauer torturing some bastard because he's a SPECIAL kind of dick, the sort of dick we need to protect us from dicks from other countries.  You know what I mean.  Smudgy dicks who blow people up because "why the hell not?"  This might lead you to believe that ONE kind of dick is better than ANOTHER kind of dick, and that one kind of dick is somehow "heroic".  They aren't.

No, brothers and sisters, the plain fact of the matter is that being a dick is just that...Being a dick.  The one thing dicks have in common is that they make the world WORSE for people around them.  Some more than others, obviously, but that's just a matter of SCALE.  Lester Maddox was a medium-scale dick, for example, and  Jerry Falwell was a gigantic dick. 

But the kind of dick that causes the most damage is the small-time dick.  The LITTLE dick.  Because they make up for in volume what they lack in scale.  I'm looking at YOU, dick who is slipping roofies in that girl's drink.  I'm talking to you, dick who is tormenting the cashier or being rude to the waiter because you can.  I'M LOOKING AT YOU, DICK WHO JUST FEELS THE NEED TO SAY SOMETHING MEAN TO SOMEONE FOR ANY REASON OR NO REASON AT ALL.

Dicks always have excuses, too.  "I had a bad day", when the behavior happens every day.  Or perhaps "My love life isn't what it ought to be, so all members of my target gender are fair game for dickery".  PROTIP:  You aren't a dick because you can't get laid, you can't get laid because YOU ARE A DICK.  All of these excuses boil down to the same thing, and that thing is "I am a small person and I feel bigger when I shit all over everyone around me, like the baboon that I am."

Everyone acts like a dick now and again.  It happens.  But if it happens on a regular basis, then you are no longer ACTING like a dick, you're BEING a dick.  It has become your new state of normalcy.  What, after all, is an evil person?  Obviously, an evil person is a person that does evil things.  And a dick is a person who does dickish things...And the ONLY difference between an evil person and a dick is that at least the evil person has some level of over-the-top, widescreen mania to thier bad actions.  Dicks are just boring in their evil.

Now, if you mull things over and realize that you are in fact a dick, there's still hope.  There is in fact a CURE for being a dick.  We Doktors refer to this cure as "STOP BEING A DICK".  It's easier than it sounds.  You just stop being a passive aggressive sack of shit.  You stop trying to be an "alpha" pick up artist.  You stop deliberately trying to torque people up because it is the ONLY MEANING LEFT IN YOUR LIFE.

And that's the real trick, isn't it?  If you go out and BUILD A LIFE for yourself, you will be so interested in that life that you won't have TIME to shit on other people, and YOU WON'T EVEN WANT TO.  Happy people aren't dicks.  It's just that simple.

Thank you, and good night.

HELLLLLZ TO THE YEAH! RAWR!

[The Johnny]

When one has passions or stuff to do, I actually think its innefficient (as capitalistic as the term might sound) to be a dick.

My theory is that dicks dont have a purpose on which to spend their time and energy, so all that extra energy goes into hassling or interfering other's lives.

Speaking in terms of retarded koans:

He who can trip someone over
cannot be tripped over himself
'cause the motherfucker
doesnt walk
much less run
(or move for that matter)

He who can hassle people over nonsense
means that he only has time for nonsense
therefore, no time for sense

direct your energy
to your own damn business
misdirected fuck

Or something like that, GET THE HELL OUT OF MY WAY, YOU PESTS!

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

This is epic. Junkie, can you ping me after July 7th so I don't forget? I need to get some Big Words stuff going on this new laptop, I haven't tried any yet and when I tried to open one it asploded on me, so hopefully I can get that sorted reasonably soon.

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

After July 7th

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

Alt version

[Suu]

*yoink*

[Q. G. Pennyworth]

*yoink*

email me if you want larger versions of the files. These ones are barely legible, and the original file is giant poster size.